Pregnant and don't know what to do

mummy_Jay

OP- My advise to you is an educated decision, get the facts on the table not just the emotions.

Try and work out exactly what a 3rd baby would mean finiancially, as your MIL knows you could ask about support from the family and look at how this effects your career aspirations. You also expressed concerns due to your last pregnancy, talk to your doctor find out if its likely again and if there is anythign you can do to reduce or eleviate the issue. Write it all down. Then look at option two the abortion talk to your doctor about how it would happen, what you would expect afterwards (includung emotional reactions they have seen) and what counciling you (and your OH) could recieve.

You may find just by knowing the fact it will make the right choice for you clearer but please do understand this isn't an easy choice either way as both choices will change you and your relationship with your partner.

Once you have all the facts, trust your instincts, only you know the right answer for your situation and believe in your decision.

Big Hug

Person_one

Pete*G wrote: »

MrsTine there are so many flaws in that argument it's unbeleivable.

The world may be overpopulated, but because people are living longer these days, and 120 years ago 8-10 kids was the norm whereas nowadays you'd get looked as if to say "can't you keep your legs shut?", the average age of Britain's population is increasing considerably!

As such more babies is exactly what we as a country need, or else it'll get to the stage where every other person is collecting their pension, and 10 maybe 15 generatoins down the line there'll be very few kids being born at all in comparison to what we're used to at present. Don't forget the late 80's and 90's is widely regarded as the era that women began to focus more on their careers, and as such there are more and more getting to 40 before trying for kids, when of course their chances of having them are reduced compared to say, in their twenties or thirties.

regardless of the above though, Gwen I think the answer will come to you from within - you'll wake up one morning and there will be no more to-ing and fro-ing of your feelings and you'll have your heart set either way. This was certainly the case when we first found we were expecting, and we've not looked back since. Our LO Chloe has just turned 7 months

This is where immigration comes in!

Yes, some developed countries such as the UK and Japan are having an issue with aging populations and low birth rates, but there are plenty of developing nations with higher birth rates and without the resources and infrastructure to support them throughout their lives.

There are more than enough people in the world, they just need to be distributed better!

Not that any of this should have any bearing on your decision OP, now that a pregnancy exists its entirely your personal decision.

pukkamum

I think many men will never say "yes i definitely want a baby" just so at some point (when baby is screaming) they can say well YOU were the one who wanted it!!!!
Joking aside my DH never said yes def he always said well we'll see what happens,(with both our kids) however, we are just ttc our third and this time i told him i wanted a definite yes! (which i got).
We thought long and hard about a third (changing our minds a couple of times) for a lot of the same reasons you have stated.

But as someone pointed out really the hardest part is the first 18 mths when you are in the baby stage after that they have two other siblings to keep them occupied, and all the worries you had before will they matter in thirty years when you are sat round a dinner table with your wonderful family???

billy858

Just to add another thought. I only have two kids but they are just 14 months apart. My theory was 'in for a penny, in for a pound.' They have been, and still are great friends but on a practical level I was sooner back at work once they started school than other parents who had a bigger gap between their children. My personal thoughts are that if you are thinking of having a third child at some point it is probably easier in the long run to have it now.
All the best in whatever you decide.

gorgeous_gwen

Hello everyone who replied and thank you for your advice.

I went to talk to someone yesterday. I should say they are 'impartial' and were very empathetic and gave me the facts basically. She was talking about what happens during an early termination and although in my head this is the "easiest" option biologically, I have some doubts as to whether I would go through with it should I even choose it.

Me and my partner have spent more time talking, he flips between saying we'll never manage practically (not in a financial sense, we both agree we feel we could muddle through, although it would have implications we'd have to deal with obviously) to he doesn't know how he'd feel towards me afterwards if we decided to not have the baby, knowing I could do that. Although he has been really good and supportive, this really hurt me. (ie have a termination of his baby.) I understand completely where he's coming from, but I find it hard to accept that even if we made that decision together, he could still turn round and hate me for it later.

I am doubting I would be able to manage another child. I do feel the ones I have are my priority, I think I have mentioned that in the past I have struggled (and do now at times) and have had a lot of help and support from various places. It completely daunts me to know I have just come out of the intense night wakes/feeds/nappy changes/etc and will basically be plunged back into it again. I know it's not forever but it's me who will be dealing with most of it and I don't know if I have enough to be able to give- I feel drained emotionally and physically anyway. Some of the support I did have isn't there anymore which I have been finding very hard to deal with and I do think it is crazy when I feel like that to add another baby.

I am also so worried about how my partner will feel if I decide 'over' him to not have this baby. Ultimately I suppose I think it is me who needs to decide as it will be me doing the majority of the caring, so I could be potentially be carrying on with the two we have, and partner in tow, with the two we have and partner decides he can't come to terms with us not having the baby and leaves, three children and partner and us all happy we made the right decision, or three children and partner and me struggling like hell.

Sorry for rambling, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Crab

There is plenty of help if you know where to look. I think it's just the idea of not having support that daunts you - I think you would be able to love this child enough, and make him/her a part of your famly. You would manage financially too.

http://www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/need_support - have you checked them out? Do it now, and get some help straight away, so you feel more able to cope when this new one arrives.

I think it sounds like you would both regret ending the baby's life.

bertiebots

I may be wrong ,but the way I understand what you are saying about you OH is -that despite his doubts about how you will cope with another child, he is against you having a termination.
And from what you said in your OP so are you.
Can you talk to you OH about the level of support you feel you would need and work together to get it, rather than doing something you will both regret?
From what you keep saying I cant help feeling you are heading towards a termination that neither you or your oh want.

mumslave

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Hello everyone who replied and thank you for your advice.

I went to talk to someone yesterday. I should say they are 'impartial' and were very empathetic and gave me the facts basically. She was talking about what happens during an early termination and although in my head this is the "easiest" option biologically, I have some doubts as to whether I would go through with it should I even choose it.

Me and my partner have spent more time talking, he flips between saying we'll never manage practically (not in a financial sense, we both agree we feel we could muddle through, although it would have implications we'd have to deal with obviously) to he doesn't know how he'd feel towards me afterwards if we decided to not have the baby, knowing I could do that. Although he has been really good and supportive, this really hurt me. (ie have a termination of his baby.) I understand completely where he's coming from, but I find it hard to accept that even if we made that decision together, he could still turn round and hate me for it later.

I am doubting I would be able to manage another child. I do feel the ones I have are my priority, I think I have mentioned that in the past I have struggled (and do now at times) and have had a lot of help and support from various places. It completely daunts me to know I have just come out of the intense night wakes/feeds/nappy changes/etc and will basically be plunged back into it again. I know it's not forever but it's me who will be dealing with most of it and I don't know if I have enough to be able to give- I feel drained emotionally and physically anyway. Some of the support I did have isn't there anymore which I have been finding very hard to deal with and I do think it is crazy when I feel like that to add another baby.

I am also so worried about how my partner will feel if I decide 'over' him to not have this baby. Ultimately I suppose I think it is me who needs to decide as it will be me doing the majority of the caring, so I could be potentially be carrying on with the two we have, and partner in tow, with the two we have and partner decides he can't come to terms with us not having the baby and leaves, three children and partner and us all happy we made the right decision, or three children and partner and me struggling like hell.

Sorry for rambling, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Hi there,

I can symapthise fully with what you and your partner are going through. In february last year I found out, much to our total horror, that I was expecting our fourth baby. It wasnt planned at all, we spent around a week crying, shouting, blaming each other....crying some more. I said straight away that there was no way in hell I could have a fourth child. We had just begun to get our debts sorted out, my son was all of 5 months old (i have a 4 and 3 year old too) I felt mentally I wouldnt be able to cope with the demands of four children. It was a hellish time, in that I made and unmade appointments for termination. Like you, I knew in my heart I would of course love any baby that was my partners, but all the 'head' issues seemed impossible to overcome.

Eventually, we sat down, wrote out all the pros and cons to having the baby. We knew to ever be able to forgive ourselves having an abortion, we would have to go through the cons and KNOW that there was nothing we could do to make them not longer a con. As it was, by the end of the night, there wasnt a single con left, we had found a solution to everything from where the baby would sleep, our budget, how we would manage with another. So that was it decided for us, there was no way we could have a termination. I began to get so excited about another baby.

On my daughters 4th birthday, 2 weeks later, I miscarried the baby. I have never been able to believe I didnt cause it to happen somehow, from not wanting it so badly to begin with. Had the miscarriage happened a few weeks before, I would have maybe been relieved....but I dont think so. I was devastated, absolutely and immediately knew I wanted to try for another. Funny how something like that happening can change your perspective.

Anyways, I hope you and your partner can come to a decision thats right for you all as a family. I would really advise you keep on seeing someone whom can stay impartial and expect to keep going back and forth, making and breaking decisions. One day you will make a final one and that will be that. Just be absolutely certain, when it comes to termination, too many ladies have them and spend the rest of their lives regretting it.

In terms of coping with a new baby, well, you just do, dont you. Having had children close together (eldest was 14 months when second was born, 3rd is 16 months now, with baby due 20th feb) I think its hard to see light at the end of the tunnel, but you soon are looking back, thinking, they have grown soo fast. You will manage because thats what mothers do.

Person_one

I'm quite angry at your partner's response. If he feels a termination would be unforgiveable then he needs to do something practical to make having this baby easier for you.

He gets to hold his love and support over your head like this based on your decision when you are the one who would be facing all the negative consequences? (your physical and mental health, your time, your relationship with your existing children). You admit that you're the one who would be doing most of the work, well if he wants this baby so much is he going to step up and help and support and do his fair share of the actual day to day looking after the baby?

Fly_Baby

immynjoesmum wrote: »

I was very scared when I found out I was pregnant with my first (I was 18, nearly 19). My friend said this to me 'well you might regret having an abortion but I don't think you'd ever regret having a baby' and it made sense to me, and in my opinion she was right.

That's true - although one may regret giving up a career, or not advancing as far as one'd like, or stopping to work altogether because of family commitments. Having wonderful children cannot really compensate for that no matter how much you love them - it's two completely different areas. And they both can be important for some women.