Pregnant and don't know what to do

MrsTinks

Those were the financial costs etc I was thinking of too Not the nappies and milk etc - you FIND the money for that... - but the fact most cars can't have 3 child seats in them, then there are as you say the need for a larger house, increasing your child care costs by 50% on top of what you pay already and so on.
I know people say you can bring up a child on pennies - of course you can. I simply just wouldn't choose to because for many years I WAS brought up on pennies... and I know the heartache it caused my parents. If you think you will financially struggle to provide for your children the way you feel they should be provided for then that is what matters on that count - not how cheaply it CAN be done...
It's a hugely personal choice and we can only tell you what we think we'd do or think you should do.
Another thing to throw in for thinking about...

What would you do if something went wrong? A friend of DHs had a little boy 2 weeks ago... his wife has just been released from ICU after an emergency CS and complications. Their first child was a 100% normal no problems delivery... Basically what I am badly trying to say is... how would you and DH cope IF something went wrong?

I think one day I'd want a second - but I would do a lot of chatting to my GP first... because I'd want an elective CS. Birth was horrible and they had to use forceps and I do not want to run that risk again... if they won't promise me a CS I will think seriously about having a second baby...

pinkshoes

Did you take your contraception properly? Perhaps you were subconsciously hoping for a 3rd one?

I would speak with your OH about it, and the two of you should write a list of pros and cons about having a 3rd child, and be totally honest with each other. Also, would you be able to afford to go back to work with the cost of childcare for 3 children?

You shouldn't feel bad looking at it from a selfish point of view either, as it is your life too!

xanthe06

i had my third baby last year, half way through my pregnancy my partner left me and my world fell apart, i wanted an abortion because i was heart broken as he went off with another women, i didnt love her while she was inside me but the moment she was born i fell in love once i saw her i was flushed with guilt thinking how i wanted to get rid, i have her sitting on my lap right now all i want to do is kiss and hug her, babys are amazing i have 3 more months till i go back to work, like one lady said your work life will be put on hold but it will be worth it, gl hun x

tandraig

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

This evening I have just found out that I am pregnant and I don't know what to do...

I have two LOs already, oldest is primary age from a previous relationship and youngest is soon one. Me and my partner had discussed whether we would want any more in the future and decided that two was enough for us, I know he finds it quite stressful (although he is great with the kids) and I struggle at times. We have been making plans for the future financially, as we felt we were finally getting on our feet, gathering money for a house deposit amongst other things.

I feel incredibly stressed! I have complete mixed feelings, everything practically says it would be a bad idea to have another, we would need to move somewhere bigger, we have only just been getting by for a while and are at a point where I can look at returning to work and things are slightly easier financially, and I have put off plans to study for my career to look after the kids and I will end up having to do this again.

We receive a lot of support from family with the kids and I feel it would be stupid to add another child, increase the stress when at times we have trouble coping with the ones we have. Don't get me wrong, I adore them both, but it's a matter of practicality and I feel our priority is the ones we have.

I also don't know if I want to go through a pregnancy again, or go through labour. Without being too specific, both times there is something fairly 'unusual' that happened which caused me a lot of stress towards the end and being honest after bubs was born I felt that was it for me.

I also worry about my partner's feelings. Bubs is his and his only child, so I am well aware that ultimately this could draw a line under the matter of whether he has any more children. I know he would like another, but also that he would support me in whatever decision I made.

However, my heart would love to have his baby... Sounds silly doesn't it given everything I've just said but I adore him, and I know we'd both be forever wondering what our potential child would be like, which we were discussing earlier. I know he would find it difficult emotionally if we decided not to have this baby, as of course would I, but I don't know. I keep thinking, how will I feel about each option, ten, twenty years down the line, and how will my partner feel? I don't know if I can live with wondering forever what our baby would have been like...

I think I'm about 6 weeks gone, so quite early in.

Any advice would be welcome.

babies arent like buying furniture or moving house - which you decide on practicality.

I think the paragraph I changed to red reveals your REAL feelings.
more than that i dont want to say - up to you and your OH but I also believe that babies are conceived for a reason - and the reason may well be that you are meant to have another baby.

gorgeous_gwen

We talked some more last night. One thing we did discuss particularly was my partner's desire to have another biological child and it is playing on my mind, something he said about how if we chose not to have this baby, we may, a few years down the line, choose to have another one.

It completely confused me because as far as I had been concerned, we were going to not have any more anyway, and we were making this decision based on circumstance and not through planning if that makes sense, so it seems this has brought up that really he would like another when faced with it, even though he said he'd be happy to stick as we were?

I realise that does sound a bit garbled but were we not in this situation, I would be happy with the family we have and from what my partner said, thought he was as well, and am now worried should we choose not to go ahead, there will be the pressure hanging over me later of having another child. I have always been sure that I wanted my children to be close in age as well, though of course things do not always go as you planned in your head evidently

delain

Im in a very similar situation to you, and Ive got a confusing oh too!

He says hes not going to give me an opinion until I make up my own mind (I had a termination a few years ago and a friend of mine got the wrong end of the stick and told him that he made me do it :eek:) so he's not saying a word this time, which would suggest hes not up for it, but then he was asking me recently if we should have another one before he gets the snip, and since I've told him about this and asked him what we should do he bought me a huge jumper, started looking at baby clothes in Tesco and made arrangements to get a bigger car :eek:

Doesn't get much more mixed than that :eek:

Men eh.

weenickieS

Congratulations op.

In my opinion i think you should go for it. As someone has already said, you will hopefully still have a lot of baby things that would help money wise. Also, someone else mentioned car boot sales, ebay etc. Good idea to clear some space for little one and make some extra money.

we all have our own opinions and in mine i dont see it as just a group of cells.....it is the start of a new life that will turn out to be just like your other two children. A lot of women cant have kids, lose kids etc so feel blessed that you have the opportunity to bring a 3rd baby into this world, to love.

I split up from my partner a few years ago who i already had a daughter to. Went through a bad break up, 3 days later found out i was pregnant. Thought about aborting it, but that was just anger, hurt, upset etc. I decided to do it alone.

I did it all without him. I now have my 2 beautiful daughters and glad i did it. Its a struggle and we dont have a lot of money but i still manage to give the kids everything they need. They have the same as most kds and that has been me alone who has done it. You are very lucky to have such a loving husband to help out.

Go for it and good luck.

jennihen

Congratulations OP
I find out I was pregnant the third time weeks after my exHub left me. I didn't want to be a single parent let alone with 3 children and considered all of the options. She's 11 now. My family is complete. 3 isn't any harder than 2 and with a partner to support you, you can face the changes in lifestyle together.
Good luck whatever your decision - you have to do what is right for you.

bertiebots

Hi op ...all I can add to the mix here is my own experiance and hope it might be of some help to you. When our eldest ds was 2 yrs and our dd was just 11 mnths I found out I was pregnant with No.3
We only had a 2 bed house and I had just got a new job which I knew I could not physically do whilst pregnant due to the risks of being attacked at work . I was in shock and didnt have a clue how I felt. My dh wage was poor (and tax credits didnt exist!) ,We didnt even have a car (I had been learning and dh doesnt drive) and had been trying to sell our house because already we had a boy and girl sharing a small bedroom. How on earth could we do this??....But
What I did know in my heart was that I wanted this baby and could not choose between my children (who was more important?)...including the unborn one . 10 years later I am so proud of my 3 wonderful kids. Despite the struggles and 3 house moves I wouldnt change it for the world. We never have much money but you cannot put a price on your children:D.
There is far more help out there to than we had to start with and as for the car issue I am sure you will have time to figure that one out. We managed fine with an average sized car when I passed my test (when ds3 was 18mnths) and that was with 2 car seats . Remember kids need loving parents far more than they need wealthy ones:A

Spendless

delain wrote: »

Im in a very similar situation to you, and Ive got a confusing oh too!

He says hes not going to give me an opinion until I make up my own mind (I had a termination a few years ago and a friend of mine got the wrong end of the stick and told him that he made me do it :eek:) so he's not saying a word this time, which would suggest hes not up for it, but then he was asking me recently if we should have another one before he gets the snip, and since I've told him about this and asked him what we should do he bought me a huge jumper, started looking at baby clothes in Tesco and made arrangements to get a bigger car :eek:

Doesn't get much more mixed than that :eek:

Men eh.

You know, I don't see it that way at all. I see it as he doesn't want you to choose one way over the other feeling that he'd put pressure on you to do so. However the jumper, baby clothes and bigger car suggests to me that his personal preference is that you do.