Pregnant and don't know what to do

Person_one

Marcheline wrote: »

I would be wary of Marie Stopes (a major part of their business is abortion after all), BPAS and Brook. They are all strongly pro-choice and did not offer what I would call practical counselling support to me.

LIFE, although pro-life, will give you some balance if you have already been to see a pro-choice counsellor and you will lose nothing by weighing up your options with them too.

Just to point out that pro-choice does not equal pro-abortion. It means exactly what it says, it supports a woman's choice whatever that may be. I don't know lots about Marie Stopes but I know for a fact that Brook does a lot to support young, single or struggling mothers (Brook is mainly for under 25s).

No pro-choice group will ever pressure you into an abortion, they have enough respect for women's intelligence to trust that if you come to them asking for one it is not a whim and you have already given it a lot of thought, as gwen is now! If you go to them to ask for information, that is exactly what you'll get, info about what the options are, what exactly they entail and what support is available to you throughout the process.

I don't want gwen's thread to turn into another abortion 'right or wrong' debate. She is considering it, it is a perfectly acceptable and legal option in this country and the last thing someone in her situation needs is misinformation and manipulation.

Marcheline

I don't want it to turn into a right or wrong debate either. I also don't think anyone was trying to manipulate or misinform, just give the contact details of another organisation who would be able to give advice too. A pro-life prospective on this issue is not necessarily a bad thing and may in fact help gwen. Pro-life groups don't pressure people either, they just come at the issue from a different standpoint.

Person_one

Marcheline wrote: »

I don't want it to turn into a right or wrong debate either. I also don't think anyone was trying to manipulate or misinform, just give the contact details of another organisation who would be able to give advice too. A pro-life prospective on this issue is not necessarily a bad thing and may in fact help gwen. Pro-life groups don't pressure people either, they just come at the issue from a different standpoint.

I wasn't suggesting you were, but a pro-life group will. By definition they believe that only one choice is valid and right and they try to steer all women towards making the choice that they approve of. The OP is getting enough guilt tripping and confusion from her husband, she doesn't need it from a third party too.

Marcheline

But my experience of a pro-choice group counselling service was that they tried to steer me towards an abortion, for instance when I said to the counsellor "I am sure my parents would support my decision to have this baby and would provide whatever practical and emotional support necessary to enable me to keep it, but the problem is, I'm not sure what I want", she replied "I doubt they would support you, it's really not the same when it's your own daughter young and pregnant." It was the way she said it as well: as if she was absolutely certain I'd end up all alone and that I'd be mad to have the child, I honestly nearly fell off the chair when she said it.

She did not offer practical help to me or inform me where I could get it from if I was going to keep the baby. I found it all very confusing. I will not post again on this issue as I feel for gwen, but I do believe pro-life organisations are worth a look on this too. Good luck gwen.

miss_independent

Sorry, but I wasn't trying to manipulate either by suggesting OP contact LIFE. As I said, I work with a charity which helps women suffering post-abortion grief counselling so you quickly learn which charities have helped and which haven't hence me suggesting LIFE. From the experience I personally have of LIFE, (and they also offer post-abortion counselling) they would never tell anyone that abortion is wrong or suggest the person coming to them for help was wrong or "bad" in anyway for wanting an abortion - they won't sign an abortion referral form and yes, of course they are pro-life, but unlike some pro-life charities they would never show a pregnant or possibly pregnant woman graphic images for example, or try and scare them into keeping a child, they are answerable to the BACP for a start and have to act ethically - from my experience they are not out to make anyone feel bad or guilty (as often the women who come to them are already putting themselves through enough guilt and don't need anyone elses rammed down their throat) but they are really supportive and will listen to your situation but of course not tell you what to do or pressure you into continuing with the pregnancy.

When I brought Brook, PAS, Marie Stopes etc into my previous post, I did this because the women I have spoken to (and Doctors, nurses etc) say their advisors agreed an abortion was probably best and this made them feel they were doing the right thing only to discover after that alot of other emotional issues arose after their abortions but then there was no one to talk to so they end up coming to charities like the one I work with or LIFE and say they wish they had spoken to them first. TBH, I was in two minds whether to reply as I agree this thread is about Gwen and not our individual views but when I know there is a service there which could help and I feel that someone may be discouraged from accessing that service I do worry because it is unfair on that charity and ultimately the woman having the crisis pregnancy. Without going into TMI, I have experience myself of LIFE - I wouldn't advocate wasting their time but all I could say is even if you called up with a made up case to test them, I'm 100% positive that you would find they wouldn't try to manipulate you - they just examine all the options with you and ultimately its up to you to make the decision. As I've said, I want this thread to remain about Gwen and her situation so I will not reply again. I read what I read, I know what I know about crisis pregnancies, I know what I have seen has helped others and so I offered my advice because I was concerned about her, I just hope that Gwen comes to her decision this week and its the one that is best for her and her family long term.

gorgeous_gwen

I too would not like this to turn into a right or wrong debate, but I don't think it has- people have been very helpful with their thoughts and offering info. I am aware of the organisations mentioned and their stances.

pigpen, I am still fairly early on and have no intention of waiting much longer to make a decision, ie I want to stay within the timeframes of that usually quoted for medical methods rather than surgical, whatever my decision is. That is interesting to know though.

miss_independent, I am interested in what you are saying about looking at the reasons around why women don't feel they can cope, and counselling not necessarily dealing with that, and women suffering after. Do you have anything more about that?

We have talked more again tonight. We agree on all of the issues we have brought up in discussion, however this hasn't made it easier to know which way to go. It consumes my every thought at the moment.

tandraig

gwen - I only have one thing more to say - what does your heart say?

gorgeous_gwen

Well. Here is where we are.

Me and partner are both agreed that practically, it would be difficult- thinking of things such as having to move house, buying a big enough house in the future and if that is within our reach, and emotionally being able to cope with three children, and being able to give each of them the time and attention they deserve, as well as managing the other day-to-day things that life brings up.

Careerwise, I have also been thinking how difficult it will be to study with three children, two of whom will be very, very young. I have been keen to get back into work to further my career, and feel I will feel resentment at having to put off my career plans (selfish but being 100% honest) as I feel time is passing. We have enough to get by but we want to work on this asap.

I also have a history of depression and having been struggling recently, I am worried that this could trigger post-natal depression, although this isn't a given. Emotionally I already feel stifled and didn't plan to be a stay at home mother for as long as I have been.

Emotionally however we both know we would like another that is ours, but at the end of the day it is going to be us parenting, much as anyone else offers to help out, it's going to be down to us and I don't know if I have it in me to step up again (again being honest.)

We are aware that all aspects are valid, that is practically and finacially are very important but it would be silly to ignore how we feel emotionally. We already feel guilty for thinking about it but time is ticking by and we have to make a decision in the next couple of days.

I just wanted to say how grateful I am for everyone who's offered their thoughts and advice, everything everyone has said has been so much appreciated and given me many things to think about from many perspectives x

sarahs999

Gwen, how would you feel if you miscarried the baby tomorrow? What's your instant gut feeling?

gorgeous_gwen

I would feel very sad, but also relieved. I don't think there's one clear answer to that.