help with live in mother

ceridwen

Mortgage free

....ah! Just gone back and thought "hmmm....she has asked for me and the girls to be out" - not your O.H. then....just you and the children....

Maybe THAT is what she is planning then - if she's not concerned about your husband being there...maybe she specifically wants HIM there - all the better to "drip a bit of poison against his wife in his ear"....that may be what she has in mind then. Perhaps she wants an opportunity - with you conveniently out of the way - to do what she can to "drip some poison" about you in your hubbie's ears.

Hmmm.....thinks: "You dont know your own wife as well as you think you do....actually did you know she's done this/said that/etc?" could be what she has in mind....Bear in mind she may know things about you that you're not aware she knows.....

Your hubbie sounds like "a good 'un" - but I wouldnt give her the chance to "get out the poison bottle" behind my back...make sure you've BOTH apparently gone out for the day together.

EDIT: Quite frankly - she's going to have a go whatever the leaving scenario is. You're going to feel bad whatever the leaving scenario is. So - just focus on protecting yourself and your family.

MrsE_2

Becles wrote: »

Don't worry about what your Uncle and his family thinks. If they think so little of you that they believe the lies, then they are not worth knowing anyway

They will know the truth soon enough;)

MrsE_2

ceridwen wrote: »

The thing is that, as I see it, there are three types of people in this life:
- the takers
- the givers
- those who sit down and try and work out precisely what is fair to both parties

Your mother is clearly in "taker" category, you are equally clearly in "giver" category. I know theres a third category - because thats the one I am in personally.....

"Takers" WILL use any and every "giver" they come across - even their own daughter...you just have to keep telling yourself this.

Wow, very profound

I think I'm the fair person on the end, I like to see justice & fairness.

Abbafan1972

I have been following this thread for a few days and am glad for you that she's finally moving out.

My Mom has used the emotional blackmail card on me many a time and when we've had rows, it's most often been "my fault", even when I'd done nothing wrong.

One example was about 4 years ago when my Mom used to look after the kids whilst I was at work (they are older and at school now), hubby had been made redundant and was at home, but we still needed my Mom to look after the kids so that hubby could go for interviews and sign on etc. Hubby had gone to go and collect oldest DD from Nursery and my Mom was at home with youngest DD. Hubby got delayed at the nursery and it was lunch time. Youngest DD was hungry and my Mom left her without any dinner, her excuse was that she "didn't know what to give her", well after all this time looking after them she should know. It was obvious she waiting for hubby to come back, so she didn't have to do it. When hubby got back, he found that DD was hungry and crying, he threw my Mom out of the house.

Of course it was our fault, my Mom went home crying to my Dad and we both got a B********G for it off him and it caused a big row. It didn't matter that my Mom had left her grand-daughter without any dinner. My only regret on that day was that I wasn't there to chuck her out myself.

You will come through this. I would stick around on the day she leaves, it seems odd that she wants you to go out. You can do what you want though, it's your house and you don't know what she has planned.

How are things this morning? Are you feeling any better? ((((Hugs)))

scotsgirl_3

Hey

Hope you are feeling better this morning and managed to get some sleep at least. It's funny reading through this just how many of us seem to have mothers who have behaved in very similar ways. I'd also be concerned about her potentially pulling some sort of dramatic 'medical' stunt to get your attention/sympathy/guilt going. It's a favourite trick of my mums', she went so far as to pretend to have a stroke in front of me (when I was only about 13ish) so that I would call my big brother who wasn't speaking to her to come rushing to the hospital.

Don't worry about her saying stuff to hubby - wouldn't be surprised if she tried it, mine told hubby that I "would end up leaving him if he didn't get his mum to stop interfering in out wedding plans, although that probably wouldnt be a tragedy for him cos I didn't love him that much anyway!!!!" But, it sounds like your OH is firmly on your side.

Chin up, and focus on how much nicer your home life is going to be come Monday - You'll be able to come home from work, maybe be lazy and order a take out for you, kids and OH, and relax, not have to run around after her or be all stressed about what she is going to say/do today.

MrsTinks

Chin up chuck and stand tall - her behaviour is nothing less than you expected but more than you were hoping for - it was to be expected
The devious person in me would however want to put a nice letter together and post it to "uncle bob" - something like: Dear Uncle Bob, Thank you for taking in mum at such short notice. Unfortunately things have come to a head down here and for both our sakes we need to spend some time apart. I thought to make things as easy on everyone as possible I'd give you a little help on what mum likes and is used to so you can get organised before she gets there:
This is the food she likes - I have noted next to each dish how it should be cooked and what she will/won't have in it.
These are the things she needs doing and the times she needs them doing - obviously a break of the routine would probably be quite upsetting for her so I have included details and times of when they need to be done.
She's been unable to clean herself for some while but you knwo how proud she is and she will probably not feel comfortable having anyone else help her but you'll need to stand firm. If she tries too hard she might end up in hospital!
I know we shall miss her and that she is deeply upset right now, but unfortunately we have had so many fallings out recently and my doctor has adviced me that I must reduce my stress levels significantly otherwise I will end up in hospital very shortly but I think all mum heard was "get out" not the "I am seriously struggling mum, I need to you think about finding a place in a managed property to take some of the pressure off me so I can be around to bring up my own children without seeing them from a hospital bed".
I will miss her greatly and I hope she finds happiness with yourselves and one day remembers how much we love her.

Yours etc etc



or am I just a very devious person?

Geenie

OP, I wish you all the best. Having read through this thread and seen what you have had to put up with, I think you are doing exactly the right thing, not only for your family but mother as well. As you have stated, she is not yet 60, so is not old and therefore has had no excuse to not contribute help since staying with you.

Guilt is a horrible thing, especially when you are made to feel this when not the wronged party. But you can hold your head up high here. Let her go to live with her brother, and see how the "stay as long as you like" carries on once she is under his roof! Let others take on the burden of having her, and I am sure you will be vindicated one day, when they realise what she is like on a 24 hour basis.

You have done more then your best as a daughter, but need to put your husband and children first now. And this may well be the making of your mother, and spur her on to do something with her life. If it doesn't, then that is her choice, and nothing to do with you.

Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.

margaretclare

pinkshoes wrote: »

And this is a typical response of an overweight person.

SOME overweight people really can't help it, nor can some skinny people.

I lived with an obese girl, and she couldn't understand why she wasn't losing weight when she ate so little and often skipped meals.

After watching her closely, I noticed a biscuit here, a sausage roll there... and at an estimate she was eating about 3000 calories a day!

MOST overweight people are overweight because their calories in are greater than their calories burnt, although obviously there are some exceptions for people who are naturally fat.

This is NOT true of all of us, and it IS true that the metabolism slows down as you get older. I have been struggling to lose weight since the beginning of May and to date have lost 1.5 kg (think 2 and a half bags of sugar). Someone half my age would have lost a lot more, and someone half my age would have been able to be much more active. That said, I do not eat sausage rolls, biscuits, crisps, chocolate or any of the other things mentioned. 1200 calories a day of food leaves me no room for any such things. A bag of crisps would be the equivalent of a quarter of my daily food!

margaretclare

mortgagefreeby_2023 wrote: »

hi, I know it will get better but I am paralysed with guilt and worry about what will happen to her when she has gone. I feel terrible that I could not make this work. Maybe a better person than me could have risen above her comments and general attitude.

This is a natural reaction, but it really isn't true. It was not 'you' that 'couldn't make this work'. You bent over backwards, did everything you could. A woman not yet 60 could have been a real help and support to you in your busy life. She's not too old to have gone out and got herself a job - anything would have got her out of the house and given her a bit of self-respect. The charities are always desperate for volunteers. Women in their 80s are running charity shops, fund-raising, acting as volunteer hospital 'hostesses'.

Sounds to me that she is a survivor who will find someone else - her brother! So living with you, and sucking the life-blood out of you, was NOT her only alternative! You don't have to imagine her sleeping in shop doorways. That isn't going to happen.

I heard of a man who moved in with family after selling his house - it didn't work, and eventually he moved out, went to the local police station and told them he was a 'vulnerable adult'. They were a bit amused, because the only thing he'd bought for himself from the sale of his house - the rest had been given to his son to build a 'grandad flat' which didn't happen - was a top-of-the-range sports car. So he arrived at the police station with his clothes in bin-bags in this very expensive car!

He was rehoused into sheltered accommodation and AFAIK is quite happy there.

I think that way about half the time.
Then, on my way to the bathroom to wash my face, my eyes are swollen from crying, I notice that her bedroom light is out and she, unlike me, is fast asleep. Despite her protestations that this is turning her life upside down, or rather, I am turning her life upside down, she is the one asleep. I am the one sobbing my heart out and wishing everything could be all right.
That's what I think the other half of the time.

Hold on to that thought. She will survive. She may even take on a new lease of life.

Very best wishes to you.

BlondeHeadOn

I second everything that other posters have said, but having also had a very manipulative mum I would suggest one possible useful mental exercise if the guilt and sadness she piles on you gets unbearable....

Close your eyes and mentally fast-forward many years to the days when you are 'almost 60'. Imagine you being in the same situation with your daughter or son as your mum is to you now. Living with them, having sold your house etc.

Picture yourself behaving to your children how your mum is behaving to you. Really try and put yourself in her shoes, and imagine saying and doing the things she is doing to you now ....

I guarantee the shock of trying to do this will make you realise just how unreasonable and unbearable your mum is being to you at the moment. There is no way you would put your own children through this - you sound like such a lovely person, it's unthinkable! You would not expect your own children to put up with treatment like this....

... and neither should you put up with it from your mum.

All love and hugs, and stay strong this weekend.

:grouphug: