help with live in mother

mortgagefreeby_2023

I need to off load this! My mother sold her house and moved in with my husband and I and our two kids. We asked for none of the proceeds of her house and she does not contribute to bills. She is very mean with her money. Since moving in with us she has become more and more dependent on us. She is not yet 60 but is morbidly obese and has respiratory problems. She is currently making no attempts to help herself by losing weight and trying to stop smoking. I understand that both of these things are hard to do, but she is belligerant with both me and my husband when we suggest that she tries to help herself. Increasingly over the last few years she has been rude, demanding and disrespectful towards me. I clean her bedroom, lounge and bathroom and cook all her meals. She has her own phone, sky tv etc and we treat her well. She does not look after herself by showering daily, and rarely gets up before lunchtime. Today she has not got dressed at all.
My husband and I work full time and we have a busy life with our kids. I am coming to resent the amount of time and energy my mother takes from me when she is so challenging in her manner. She regularly swears at me, and does not care about doing that in front of the children either.
Yesterday I "had enough" and screamed and shouted at her. I am not proud of myself but I have had enough of feeling like a tenant in my own home. I want to tell her to move out, but the extended family would have a field day. She presents herself very differently to the outside world.
The sad thing is, that before she moved in, and from a distance, we had a good relationship. Now I have dark moments where I hate her. I am sure that you might feel she is depressed, but the only time she gets "down" is when her selfish behaviour is challenged. She is self-absorbed and insensitive.
Sorry to be gloomy and so on, but I need help with this one.

BlondeHeadOn

If you have an extended family, how about suggesting that one of them takes on this burden now? You've more than done your bit, it sounds horrendous, and you should have your life back.

I hope you can sort something out!

MrsTinks

Try having a conversation with her about house rules - if she feels that she can't/won't stick to them then advise her that she will be moving out by x date.
Who cares what the extended family thinks??? If they feel they have a right to comment then tell them that you'll be delighted to help her move in with them as they feel so strongly that she needs care etc etc etc
If she stays with you you'll end up hating her completely and loathing every moment you spend with her.
I love my mum, I also know we'd never be able to live under the same roof - we're far too strong minded the pair of us

BitterAndTwisted

She's got it dead cushy. I''d stop cleaning and cooking for her and start charging her rent. It's so frustrating when family members take you for granted and abuse your hospitality like that. I'd also tell her in words of one syllable, in front of the children and other family members if you can arrange it that her personal hygiene is not what it should be.

Quite honestly, if she's being so unrespectful I probably wouldn't really care what other family members thought. If they take her in they'll probably understand exactly how you feel in about five minutes.

sandraroffey

who said she could move in with you???? where no rules and money etc discussed before all this happened??

it is YOUR home. under your roof, its your rules.

what a nightmare!!!!! i am at my youngest daughters more than i am at my own home as i look after her twins while she goes to uni. but it is still her house. she feeds me when i am here, but i will do the housework, washing etc and whatever i can do to help.

you have got to put a stop to this now. she is milking it for all she is worth. and dont care about who you upset. why isnt she in with anyone else in the family. perhaps its time to call a family conference.,

mortgagefreeby_2023

I stupidly didnt lay down rules because I thought i was dealing with a normal and rational person. When she told me that she would contribute financially, and help out with the ironing etc I stupidly believed it. She is NEVER wrong about anything and will not enter into a reasonable discussion about anything. When cornered about any issue she will give us the slient treatment, and we pay all the bloody bills so she can lie on her sofa watching TV all day!! She has no agreement, written or verbal, how can I evict her?

skylight

Your house. Your relationship with your kids and husband are at sake her. Along with your sanity. The worst outcome is that your kids start to copy her behaviour towards you because they see you not acting against it and therefore think that its acceptable.

You are allowed to be respected and loved and you are allowed to be selfish in thinking of yourself in all this.

Smile nicely, tell her that these are the new rules or there is the door and would she like a hand in packing. Stuff what someone else thinks. Is their opinion really that great???

skylight

Evict her? She is a guest. She is paying nothing, has no tenancy agreement and is not a squatter as you are still there. She is not on the mortgage/deeds so has no rights to be there whatsoever.

Tell her to take the bins out one evening and lock the door behind her.......

MrsTinks

skylight wrote: »

Tell her to take the bins out one evening and lock the door behind her.......

:rotfl: ace - I like it... problem is... I doubt if the OP asked her to take the bins out that she would :eek:

Maybe CAB can give you some detailed advice on how to go about evicting her? If you evict her it will actually make it easier for her to get a council property - although if she has savings... they probably won't...

BitterAndTwisted

Now that you've let her know exactly how she's making you feel, make a list of all the things she does that you're unhappy about and read them out to her on front of these other members of the family and tell her she needs to make other arrangement and then give her a deadline and stick to it. Why don't you start her packing now while you're good and angry?

If I were in your position, I'd risk family disapproval for my own sanity and the sake of my family life. She doesn't deserve you.

Edited to add: as stated above she is a guest, so she has no legal rights whatsoever. Point this out to her. You'd entirely justified in packing her crap and shoving her out into the rain. Where do you live? I'll pop round and give you a hand if you like.

mortgagefreeby_2023

LOL! Take out the bins????? She doesnt even wash a cup!! My fear is that she would refuse to leave, then what would I do?