help with live in mother

*Louise*

I can't believe you went this long cleaning her rooms and doing her cooking - role reversal or what!!!!

Glad you have finally told her how you feel - is she making any plans to move yet (or is she perhaps thinking you didn't really mean it?)

elisebutt65

mortgagefreeby_2023 wrote: »

She is going to have to move out, I really cant take anymore. She has drained the life out of me over the last 3 years and I really just want her to go. She has not worked for ten years because of her health problems. She is used to being "dependent" and feels, in some strange way that she is entitled to it, like the world owes her a living.

3 YEARS??? :eek::eek::eek: She's been there 3 years- Flipping 'eck!!! I get antcy when mines stayed 3 days:rotfl: Having said that my mum's nearly 65 and she 'works' 3 days a week at the local Oxfam and another 2 for a National Trust house after 30 years of being a midwife and I can't ever imagine here sitting still for more than an hour at a time unless she's having a nap when the news is on.

When she stays here to look after the kids because I have to go on a field trip, I come back and the house is spotless or there's been more shelves put up or holes filled or more plants in the garden - I'd lose it if I had a mum like yours - Seriously!

Don't back down for goodness sake - you need a break!

margaretclare

Going back to the beginning, why did you ever agree to this in the first place? She sold her house and moved in with you - why? Why did anyone - anyone at all - think this was a good idea? Not being critical, just wanting to understand.

From my experience - not only my own, but what I've seen and heard - this kind of arrangement never works. Well, there may be instances in which it works well, but I have not heard, read or experienced them.

Regarding your mother being 'old', and she's not yet 60. At that age I was redundant, widowed, struggling to survive and pay the mortgage. I still had a lotta living to do. At 62 I met my now second husband and fell in love all over again. 4 years later we were married. We've been together for 12 years now.

I don't understand why you ever agreed to clean up after her, cook for her, all the rest. From what I have heard and read, the ONLY way an arrangement like this would work is if there is a separate front door, own parking space, own bathroom and kitchen, and both parts of the family can live their own lives independently.

I agree with everyone else. Stop cleaning and cooking for her, shopping for her, everything. She hasn't lost the use of her arms and legs, has she? Cancel the Sky subscription and anything else you can think of.

There is no excuse for anyone being morbidly obese nowadays because there are things you can do about it. Nor is there any excuse - there never was! - for someone being dirty and smelly in their habits. As my grandmother would have said 'Soap and water are cheap'. In addition, there is help available to stop smoking. I declared my house to be a 'smoke-free zone' when we came back from my first husband's funeral and I would never live with a smoker again, not even one that smoked outside the door. Hang on - if she stays in bed or on the sofa all the time, how does she manage to get her nicotine fix???

My DH has a saying, what he said when he moved out of a disastrous marriage aged 62 and moved in with me. 'Today is the start of the rest of your life'. Don't be influenced by emotional blackmail, which she will put on, you can bet. Decide what you want to do, and it doesn't sound as if you want this selfish useless female hanging round your neck for the next 40 years. She'll outlive you, because you'll have died of exhaustion.

Very best wishes.

Abbafan1972

I am really shocked by this thread. I can't believe how someone can live under your roof and take advantage of you so much and for so long! I know it makes it worse because it's your Mother.

I do love my Mom, but there's no way I would want her living under the same roof as me, it would be a complete nightmare.

Why was the decision made to sell her house and move in with you in the first place?

I agree with what the previous posters have said, stop buying her food, doing her washing and cleaning. She will soon notice when she runs out of clean underwear.

It's good that you've taken a stance against her already. Give her an ultimatum to find somewhere else to live.

Hope you manage to get things sorted OP.

Debt_Free_Chick

OK, I can see I'll be in the minority with this but .....

Is it possible that she's suffering from depression? In particular, the lack of self respect is a classic symptom of depression. Add to that her bizarre behaviour and take account that she's now dependant on you and it would be no surprise to me to find that she's suffering some emotional crisis.

Can you raise this with her GP?

paddy's_mum

I'd be curious to know if this is new behaviour - did she behave in this way with her husband during marriage? Has her whole life been a series of fallings-out with nearest and dearest, friends and family members?

If the way that she behaves now is not how she has always tended to be, then I too would be wondering about depression or a mental health problem.

If, however, she has always displayed conduct that tended towards lazy, selfish and dirty, then I would be saying that the opinion of the "extended family" should be of no concern or relevance whatever to you. They would be showing off nothing except their ignorance of the real facts of the matter, and it's very easy to shout their mouths off when the burden cannot be placed on their own shoulders!

Your mother is or has become a bully and if proof were needed, her sudden meekness when you stood up to her is all the evidence you need that for the wellbeing, and indeed the safety, of you all, she needs to leave and make her own arrangements. As (apparently) miserable as she is with you, she will surely be happier when once again in charge of her own life? She can continue to be lazy and queen it on the sofa - provided she pays out hard cash for a home help!

Be prepared that years down the line she will have the last, unkind word though, probably by leaving her entire estate to the local cat rescue charity. This happened to a relative of mine but his unpleasant mother would have been bitterly disappointed to know that he was genuinely pleased and relieved to be disinherited as it meant he had nothing to organise re funeral or house clearing and could just draw a line under the life of the person who had caused him a lifetime of unhappiness.

You have reached a very sad place to be and I feel so sorry that your mother's poor conduct has destroyed what must once have been a loving relationship. Once she has left, you may have to deal with feelings of grief. I wish you well and the hope that you may in the future be able to re-establish some sort of affectionate relationship with your mother. Good luck.

ceridwen

mortgagefreeby_2023 wrote: »

She is going to have to move out, I really cant take anymore. She has drained the life out of me over the last 3 years and I really just want her to go. She has not worked for ten years because of her health problems. She is used to being "dependent" and feels, in some strange way that she is entitled to it, like the world owes her a living.

Unfortunately there are a lot of people like that - they simply dont want to take any personal responsibility for themselves. Its obvious to everyone that she isnt making any effort at all - if she really cared about herself even (never mind you..) she would stop smoking/lose weight/eat a healthier diet/get some exercise....

Some people really do feel that the "world owes them a living" and everything is "someone else's fault". Its unfortunate that you have one of them for a parent.

I would say "dont blame yourself that you didnt realise what she was like until after she had moved in with you". As her daughter - you would doubtless have believed the set of "excuses" she makes to the World At Large as to why its not reasonable to expect her to take personal responsibility for herself. Its not surprising that you believed her - whereas a stranger would have seen through them.

It sounds like you yourself are a reasonable/responsible person who DOES take personal responsibility for your life - hence your assumption that other people have the same attitude. I think the thing is to remind yourself that there are all sorts of people in the world - and many of the worst ones have children. Its not just reasonable/responsible people who have children - many of the "others" do too. Therefore anyone could find that they have had one of the "others" as a parent - rather than a normal/responsible sort of person. I have certainly been astonished to hear what sort of people some friends have had for parents over the years...and even more astonished because I have met the parents in question and they looked perfectly ordinary to me (but I believed what my friends said about them).

You've done what you can - and far more than could reasonably be expected by anyone. So - stick to your guns about her moving out. She'll doubtless find someone else she can try and stick the "responsibility angle" onto - but at least it wont be you.

Good luck.

ceridwen

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

OK, I can see I'll be in the minority with this but .....

Is it possible that she's suffering from depression? In particular, the lack of self respect is a classic symptom of depression. Add to that her bizarre behaviour and take account that she's now dependant on you and it would be no surprise to me to find that she's suffering some emotional crisis.

Can you raise this with her GP?

For over 10 years?:eek: Thats how long OP says shes been "ill" for....so I dont think it likely in this instance.

Maybe its because I've not ever been told "you have Depression - The Illness" - but I tend to think that, whatever one feels like, one just forces oneself to do anything you HAVE to do because it concerns other people. Maybe I'm being unrealistic about severe Depression - but I tend to feel "if you can move, you can groove" basically. (NB: Apologies to anyone who has ever been diagnosed as severe Depression - if it is the case that one literally cant even maintain the "basics" even if its letting other people down. I dont know about this myself - because I personally have a minor level "stiff upper lip" way of thinking - ie express emotions and then force yourself to keep going. So I dont know if exercising a "stiff upper lip" might not be enough to keep functioning if it were a case of severe Depression.)

But - back to the point - I very much doubt that a bout of Depression would last that long - one way or the other IYSWIM.

I think the last thing OP needs is to start making excuses for her mothers bad behaviour - her mother can make quite enough all on her own:rolleyes:

mortgagefreeby_2023

She is still not dressed, it is lunchtime. She has been out for a fag at least ten times this morning in her dressing gown. She is not depressed, she is lazy and she takes from me all of the time and gives nothing back.
She and I over the years talked about what it would be like if she was to move from her smaller house into our bigger house. I wanted to help her. She was lonely and barely able to cope. I really thought I could help her out because I loved her. I need my life back. I wish I didnt feel so guilty about this.

margaretclare

mortgagefreeby_2023 wrote: »

She is still not dressed, it is lunchtime. She has been out for a fag at least ten times this morning in her dressing gown. She is not depressed, she is lazy and she takes from me all of the time and gives nothing back.
She and I over the years talked about what it would be like if she was to move from her smaller house into her bigger house. I wanted to help her. She was lonely and barely able to cope. I really thought I could help her out because I loved her. I need my life back. I wish I didn't feel so guilty about this.

You may have feelings of guilt from time to time, but having such feelings may be a worthwhile price to pay for the inestimable value of getting your life back.

It has been a beautiful Sunday morning, sunny, lovely day. And all she can think of doing with it is going to the door for a fag, not even getting dressed - and not showered, presumably?

I was up and showered about 7.30 this morning!! Dealing with my own obesity, staying in bed is bad for me. And as for being 'old', I can give her approx 14 years. So, no excuses. OK. Time to get practical. Monday morning she needs to start taking positive steps about finding somewhere else to live. I believe you said she still has the proceeds of her house sale? It's possible to buy into sheltered housing complexes, or part-buy part-rent. A lot of things are possible. But first step has to be - you stop being her cook/cleaner/dogsbody, and her getting off her behind and taking steps for herself.