help with live in mother

ceridwen

mortgagefreeby_2023 wrote: »

She is still not dressed, it is lunchtime. She has been out for a fag at least ten times this morning in her dressing gown. She is not depressed, she is lazy and she takes from me all of the time and gives nothing back.
She and I over the years talked about what it would be like if she was to move from her smaller house into our bigger house. I wanted to help her. She was lonely and barely able to cope. I really thought I could help her out because I loved her. I need my life back. I wish I didnt feel so guilty about this.

You cant help your feelings - they are what they are and its no use "arguing with yourself" about them and telling yourself that you "should" feel differently. You feel what you feel - and its understandable.

What you CAN help is your actions.

So - its a question of accept that your feelings are that you feel guilty - but ensure that your actions are that you get on with dealing with this situation. You've heard that we dont "condemn" you for this - we all understand exactly what the situation is and support you in your decision.

The thing is that, as I see it, there are three types of people in this life:
- the takers
- the givers
- those who sit down and try and work out precisely what is fair to both parties

Your mother is clearly in "taker" category, you are equally clearly in "giver" category. I know theres a third category - because thats the one I am in personally.....

"Takers" WILL use any and every "giver" they come across - even their own daughter...you just have to keep telling yourself this.

scotsgirl_3

i agree with Ceridwen, you can't help how you feel, and you would probably be a bit strange if you didn't feel slightly guilty. It doesn't mean that you have done, or are planning to do, anything wrong, just that you are a kind, caring person who feels bad about what you have to do even though you know it is the best thing for you and your family.

look at it this way - if you let her stay, would you feel less guilty? Probably not - you'd just feel guilty for making your OH and kids put up with her cr*p instead!

ceridwen

...and thats a very good point made by Scotsgirl...

Your family are the ones that need to concern you now - ie how your husband and children are feeling. You've been a "saint" to put up with the situation this long - on the other hand: so have they....

Your husband has seen his wife run ragged. Your children have seen their mother run ragged. Maybe you arent the only one in your family that has been at the beck and call of your mother - maybe they have been doing all sorts for her as well and also being given the "run-around".....Maybe they've been protecting you and not telling you about the impact this has had on them as well....? Children can be pretty "protective" about what they say to their parents - you might be surprised. Your O.H. is quite possibly a "man in a million" - working that hard for his family and putting up with such a mother-in-law living with him - the man deserves a medal.

....and all this on top of you and O.H. doing 12 hour days......whew...steps back in amazement at your energy and staying power....

barnaby-bear

mortgagefreeby_2023 wrote: »

she has plenty of savings, but obv wont spend that on groceries (very often anyway) or rent, so prob no council flat. I thought you would all think I was a horrid cow for not looking after my mother......

Savings don't necessarily mean no access to social housing if there's another reason for need other than low income. PArticularly housing for the elderly/infirm - your mother is getting on a bit, will be eligible age wise for sheltered housing, "finds it a bit difficult to cope and increasingly so", strain on your family.... these sheltered housing schemes are full of vindictive, bitter, plain nasty old people who spend their days in fighting and loving doing so, !!!!!ing about visitor parking etc.... and they get a paid warden to !!!!! at and puts up with their eccentricities taking the pressure off. If your mother is a Harry Patch - only another 51 years in your house..... it isn't really fair on your kids or husband (I'm surprised he's still there) and as she becomes more dependent it will get worse; it may be better for you and her if she could be somewhere a bit more independent as you are probably making her more needy because she has no purpose or need to take care of herself.

ceridwen

I'm thinking on further on this....you say that you have two children. One would have expected that if someone is sharing a home with what, to her, are two grandchildren that she would be wanting to try and "set an example" of good behaviour to them and acting like a doting grandmother to them. I dont know how old your children are - but, in your circumstances, I would be expecting that I would frequently get back from those long workdays and find that Gran had cooked dinner for the kids and they were now happily ensconced in her sitting room with her watching the tv or being helped with their homework.

She could easily be making a contribution like this to the household - even if she werent making a financial one - and the typical grandparent would be glad of the chance of so much potential contact with their grandchildren. Somehow.......I'd be willing to bet that isnt happening....

carefullycautious

Sorry if I offended you, Iwasnt implying that you were doing it for the inheritance. Its just that you said she had sold her house and wasnt doing anything with the proceeds so I presumed you would inherit at some stage,and I was thinking I wouldnt continue with this situation even if there was a financial reward at the end of all this hard slog.

As for her being young at 60 yes she would be if she looked after herself, but being clinically obese and smoking like a chimney adds years onto your age from a medical point of view. Thats why I think she needs some intervention from a mental health team. She is obviously depressed if she has no interest other than sleeping half the day not dressing and chain smoking. Yes you still want her to leave and yes she should.

However, she also sounds as if she needs some help with trying to lift this destructive way of thinking and living. It is no life for her really is it?
Maybe she wont get better but you should not feel guilty if she chooses to self destruct like this.

Anyway you have tried your best and that really is all you can do. But dont back down you are doing her no favours waiting on her like this. She needs to take stock of her own life (maybe with the help of someone who isnt emotionally involved)

Becles

Sorry to hear you are having troubles. Have you thought about contacting external bodies such as Social Services and Age Concern?

There's no shame in admitting you can't cope with things they way they are. It's not fair on you to be treated like that and it's not fair on your husband and children either. Social service and Age Concern may be able to get her a place in sheltered accomodation. We used them to get my Gran into a flat and they were brilliant. When she started to get dementia and needed more help, they organised a carer and other services to assist.

I know Social Services get bad press, but they were brilliant at helping with my Gran and took a lot of pressure off the family.

msb5262

As the OP's mother isn't yet 60, presumably Age Concern would not be interested in offering help.

Becles

msb5262 wrote: »

As the OP's mother isn't yet 60, presumably Age Concern would not be interested in offering help.

I'm not sure if they have age limits or not. They just say they help "older people". It's worth a try though in case they can help.

sandraroffey

definately involve social services and her own GP. they will work together to find what it is that would suit her best. maybe sheltered accomodation?? maybe a care home?? my mother in law went like this when her husband died. she just smoked and stayed in bed. she deliberately stopped taking her heart pills and her diabetic pills, then took several days all at once, then made herself ill because of it, so was then calling out the ambulance in the wee small hours 'so the neighbours could see just how ill she really was' it was a nightmare. in the end she put herself into a care home at the grand age of 62. the age i am now.

even in a care home, she never dressed, never went out, hardly ever got out of bed and didnt bath or wash her hair for up to a year at a time. and the home werent allowed to make her. disgraceful.

if thats how they want to live, then let them.