help with live in mother

belfastgirl23

I don't often give virtual hugs but please have one.

And I don't often have very strong opinions about things (people and situations being so variable) but I would have to say HOLD STRONG you are doing the right thing for everyone, especially your mum. Look at how much she's come on since you've done it.

And as scotsgirl says, either she has learned from her experience with you (which is what she needed to do) or more likely will end up in the same situation with her brother.

Only another day or two to go, keep yourself busy and don't rise to it.

Errata

My husband says that I am being emotionally manipulated and I seem a lot more upset than her.

He's right. In fact your mother has been emotionally abusing you and it would appear will continue to do so once she has moved out. There's nothing you can do about this, just remember - it's her, not you. Like all victims of domestic abuse, you feel guilty and feel the way she has treated you and still does is all your fault. It isn't.
My best wishes for your future happiness and your family's future happiness.

Becles

Don't worry about what your Uncle and his family thinks. If they think so little of you that they believe the lies, then they are not worth knowing anyway

Wee_Bargain_Hunter

mortgagefreeby_2023 wrote: »

Oh, the obvoius thing I forgot to mention. She is leaving on Sunday and has asked for me and the girls to be out of the house when she goes.

Hi, well done on taking a stand. You've been very strong even if you feel wobbly at the moment. You've got a result and you and your family will benefit.

Just wanted to say that you'll get through it, a little bit more cynical maybe but with your health and family life intact. Sound like your husband is absolutely fab!

Re the bit I've quoted - sounds like a good plan of hers. It would give her some dignity when leaving as I'm sure deep down she knows what she has done but is trying to save face - not that she deserves your understanding but it could go some way to keeping some doors open for the future? Will save on yours & the kids emotions too. Would suggest having your lovely hubby there though in case there's any funny business (With all this renewed energy you could find prawns behind the sofa!:rotfl:)

Just another thought & maybe she'll throw the gesture back at you but perhaps it'd be worth leaving a good luck card out for her. Or send a quick note to your Uncle if your Mum has any particular needs or likes/dislikes - it's hardly the actions of an unloving daughter wanting her mum to settle in at her brothers. Or maybe a bunch of her favourite flowers for him to pass on to her. Would definately mean biting your tongue a bit and being the bigger person. Perhaps, once they see your not the evil witch, you could run a bit of a PR campaign & refer mysterously to your Mum's "special circumstances" or whatever but don't be too specific too soon. Should get them starting to sus out the situation! Personally I wouldn't waste the energy. It's time to reclaim your life.

Tough family times eventually blow over. A bit of TLC & lots of time with your hubby & kids will help. Really feel for you at the moment though. (Still can't quite believe a woman of her age is so negative/immature/mean/destructive etc etc - you've been an absolute saint to put up with her!)

Best wishes for a much happier future.

SUESMITH_2

agree with all the above

deep breaths, calm thoughts - it will soon be over and then let the fun begin with someone else

lots of hugs, it must be so hard for you

mortgagefreeby_2023

hi, I know it will get better but I am paralysed with guilt and worry about what will happen to her when she has gone. I feel terrible that I could not make this work. Maybe a better person than me could have risen above her comments and general attitude.
I think that way about half the time.
Then, on my way to the bathroom to wash my face, my eyes are swollen from crying, I notice that her bedroom light is out and she, unlike me, is fast asleep. Despite her protestations that this is turning her life upside down, or rather, I am turning her lif upside down, she is the one asleep. I am the one sobbing my heart out and wishing everything could be alright.
That's what I think the other half of the time.

maggie111

Mortgagefreeby2023...

I have an emotionally manipulative, half crazed mother who drove me to all sorts of mental problems. I first want to say that you should listen to your OH - he hasn't spent all of his life under her influence, he has your best interests at heart and he is able to see this from an outsiders perspective. When you feel your resolve weaken just tell yourself that you are not well enough to cope with making decisions about her, and do what he recommends.

As someone said earlier - feel however you need to feel, guilty, wicked or whatever just at this stage don't let your actions give in to these emotions.

In the end I decided to make the best decisions for *me* and for no one else. I started to take responsibility for making myself happy and I did what I needed to do to make that happen.

Don't listen to her, this woman is a master of the emotional guilt trip. Have a little game and in advance think of all the things she will say to make you feel bad about yourself and make her seem like the better person. It's rather fun and will make you realise she doesn't actually mean what she says, it's all about getting the end result - which means hurting you as much as possible so she wins. Actually, I could even tell you some things she has said and will say??
"I can't believe you're being so cold hearted about this."
"Don't say you love me, after the way you've treated me - I can't see how you could"
"You're so selfish, just want an easy life."
"It's easy to forget about all the things I did for you - all the nights I stayed up late when you were sick, took you to school, when *something bad happened, preferably in your relationship with your OH* who was there to comfort you?"
"Well, I hope you're happy. I'm going to have to move in with Uncle Bob now and it's just awful for me. I have never been so embarrassed."
"I know I haven't been as bad as you're saying - otherwise why would you have let me live here for 3 years?"

If the rest of her family side with her - well of course they would. She's convinced herself that she's a model citizen. Why else would she have been so active this week if not so she could swear on her own life that she's not as awful as you could make out. The best manipulators ALWAYS have a grain of truth in their lies, it is what makes them so successful.

I spent a lifetime thinking that I must be some terrible person. I felt so confused as to how I could be so awful and it wasn't until I gained a close relationship with my Dad that I realised every awful emotional journey I went through - he also went through with her. From the same arguments, to the same insults used. And we both ended up hating ourselves.

It took a long time, but I still have a relationship with my Mum. I do love her, because deep down she's not a bad person - just emotionally and mentally troubled. I've learnt how to deal with her as an outsider, not get drawn in. And by God I do still get upset, or angry about her ways - but when this happens the overwhelming sadness is for me - why did I put up with this for so long and not figure her out sooner??

You don't have to be strong right now, but you do need her out of the house. Keep your conversations with her to a minimum.

I think it will help to decide on a few phrases to keep repeating - these worked like MAGIC when I started to deal with my own mother. For example:

"I'm sorry you feel like that" - don't get drawn into her arguments. Don't give her ammunition by keeping the conversation going about how awful you are. Just simply say "I'm sorry you feel like that".

"Let me know if I can help you prepare for Sunday" - Don't give her any excuse to think she doesn't have to move out. Say this at the end of all conversations with her. If she then follows up with "I can't believe how cold you are being about all of this" - then you simply say "I'm sorry you feel like that, but I will help you prepare if you like".

Now, if you do (and you really should) start to use your own mantras with your Mum, prepare for a whole other world of hurt and insults - about how you're a cold hearted !!!!!, you don't care about your own mother being homeless etc etc... They will get WORSE. With you crying all the time and practically begging her forgiveness she will have HOPE she can stay. Once she realises you're actually being serious - not being drawn into arguments or apologising all the time she will REALLY have to step up a gear to get you back to apologising and talking to her so she can convince you she should stay. STICK TO YOUR MANTRAS!!!!

Oh, and when you go out on Sunday - make sure you're OH stays. To make sure she leaves and to make sure she never throws the comment at you about how you told her to be gone by the time you got back, and didn't even help put stuff in the car or whatever (yes, I know how wildly she will twist something)

Good luck, will try to keep checking this thread to offer support, but PM if you need to.

ceridwen

MortgageFree - I was just noticing the time you made your last post - and then read on your comments about her being asleep, whilst you arent. I bet you've just had one heck of a sleepless night....and she wont care actually.

You've done your best. She's now doing the emotional blackmail scenario I warned you she would - but I guess you'd worked out that she would do that anyway.

The one thought that is striking me here is the way that she wants you and your husband to be out whilst she moves out.......hmmmmm.....well...it could be to "save her dignity" (in her eyes) - BUT I am personally thinking "that sounds a bit odd - I would have thought she wouldnt be able to resist milking it for all its worth right to the last minute and being 'heartbroken mother evicted by cruel child' as publicly and loudly as she possibly can". For that - she needs an audience. So it does seem very odd for her specifically to request that her "audience" to stage this last scene of her "Play" will be absent at her request. Very odd. Very very odd.

Wondering if you need to "lock the family silver" away? I'm just wondering what plans she has for what she intends to "get up to" in your absence....Bear in mind even the most conventional/determined to be seen to be behaving themselves type mothers can be a bit devious on occasion - and yours cant even be bothered to "keep up appearances" in front of other people - so what might someone with no regard for other peoples opinions do?

Personally...I would send the kids off for the day to stay with friends of theirs - having a good day out (so they arent in the "firing line" in case of any problems). I would then make sure that hubbie and I were at home keeping an eye on things - just in case....

I wonder whether you and your husband could arrange to apparently go out for the day (as she thinks you are going to) - but actually stay put surreptitiously at home - car out of sight/no music on/no other signs of occupancy. She thinks you're out - so theres no "Grand Finale Exit Scene" - but you're actually there - so she cant "get up to anything behind your back".

I Know, I know - right now you're probably thinking "She's my mother - she wouldnt hurt us would she?". She might have that in mind....be prepared for that possibility....

****************************************

As regards her brother and your cousins - I think it probably wont take long for them to realise what she's really like - give them a few weeks..maybe even a few months - but the truth will out and then they will see things rather differently.

Good luck - and stay strong - and keep us posted.

ceridwen

maggie111 wrote: »

Mortgagefreeby2023...



As someone said earlier - feel however you need to feel, guilty, wicked or whatever just at this stage don't let your actions give in to these emotions.

.

That was me - and I'll repeat the point. Your feelings are one thing - and you cant help your feelings. Your actions are quite another. Just remember to stay strong - and, on this occasion, tell yourself "I understand why I have these feelings - other people in this situation would probably have much the same feelings - she is deliberately playing on my feelings. Being my mother - she knows exactly which 'buttons' to press and thats whats happening - she's 'pressing these buttons' quite deliberately"....and make sure you keep taking the right actions - whatever those feelings are saying.

Just keep telling yourself "This too will pass".

Take care.

maggie111

ceridwen - her leaving the house on her own (if she leaves) will definitely be the ending she wants to have.

Picture the scene, poor disabled OAP forced to leave the home she knows and loves. Her family all went out on a day trip and didn't even stay and help her load her luggage out. Not even a goodbye as she left the house. The family she looked after for years were off having a wonderful day whilst she becomes homeless. Boo hoo.

It's amazing how often someone like her will set a situation up so they can be the bleeding martyr.

That said, she may well on Sunday suffer chest pains and call out an ambulance and whoops, she can't move out after all.....

As I said in post above - leave your OH at home. Say "I absolutely refuse to let you move out on your own - you will need help and OH will be there to assist". She will give 10 reasons why he shouldn't be there - but refuse. It's your damn house and you can have whoever you like in it whenever!