A not so happy relationship

wannabe_sybil

Staciep88 wrote: »

He says I'll never find anyone else though, what if this is true? I dont want to be alone :-(

Used car salesmen will tell you that you will not find another bargain like their car. They are lying too.

Actually, that is a slur on used car salesman.

If that person who is abusing you is concerned that you may leave he will do all he can to persuade you that it is in your best interests to stay. No one else will want you is a constant in any thread on here about abuse. Other means to keep you are threats of violence, confiscation of money, cutting off contact with friends or family.

When he says that you will not find anyone else what he means is that he will have trouble finding someone else who can let him live in their parents' property and it will take him time to suitably corrode their self confidence and ability to cope.

If you work at the same place I suggest you find somewhere else, even if you do not immediately leave. That will give you a chance to blossom a little away from him and will show quite clearly if he will tolerate any weakening of his control over you.

Of course he will mock you for being overweight and then do everything he can to undermine your diet - does he offer treats of food or sweets? He is telling you that you are unattractive because you are overweight, and he wants you to keep believing that. At the same time he wants you to stay overweight because if you believe you may be attractive then his hold over you may be weakened.

It sounds like you are finding it hard to make the step, but you know that you will have to. I hope it all works out for you. Good luck.

Meltrix

Staciep

You should heed the good advice on here and finish with this guy now - he's not going to change and it won't get better. He's the one who couldn't cope without you don't let him make you think otherwise.

I've been in a similar situation as you, however it was my girlfriend who was jealous, possessive and abusive towards me. She didn't like me talking to other girls to the extent that I virtually severed contact with most of my female friends to please her. If she found out i'd met up with any of them she'd accuse me of sleeping with them. Anytime an attractive girl walked past us in the street she'd accuse me of eyeing them up, would dig her fingernails into my hand or just verbally abuse me. Even in the cinema watching a film she'd do the same anytime a woman came on screen. I didn't do anything about it, I was a very overweight bloke and had low self esteem and didn't think anyone else would find me attractive. We split up a couple of times but got back together, each time I thought it would be different but it never was. In the end I couldn't take anymore of just putting up with a miserable relationship and after 4 years I realised I had to take control of my life. I joined the gym, went on a diet, lost 5 stone in 5 months, became fit and active, got a new wardrobe, felt fantastic and confident and never looked back. I saved up and one year later, ditched the job went off around the world for 7 months and met an amazing woman who's now my wonderful wife.

The funny thing was that once I was on my own so many of my friends and family came out and said they could never understand what I was doing with her. I wish they'd said something before but in a way, making my own mind up was a big part of moving on.

Never think you should stay because you don't want to be on your own. I read another of your posts a week or so ago about you planning to start a family next year - I really wanted at the time to post that at 19 I felt you should go and live your life a bit first to make sure you were really ready to settle down but felt it might not be welcome. However, given this thread I can't emphasise it enough, ditch this guy, go have fun and enjoy yourself - life is too short to put up with unhappiness and abuse.

Staciep88

I have just had a thought - I could be a little bit mean though:

I am in charge of OH money - what gets paid to where. In my sig theres the amounts that he owes to the different places. As the Virgin and Mint card are in my name (and even though at 0%) should I just pay loadsa money off them 2 and make sure min payments are going to the Barclaycard one?! I know its a bit mean but that way I wont have to pay the debt if I leave. He wouldnt know anyway! Or is that just mean?

MrsTinks

I think that's a fab idea... but that means you're not planning on kicking him out tonight doesn't it? Hmmmmmm?

Uniscots97

Staciep88 wrote: »

I have just had a thought - I could be a little bit mean though:

I am in charge of OH money - what gets paid to where. In my sig theres the amounts that he owes to the different places. As the Virgin and Mint card are in my name (and even though at 0%) should I just pay loadsa money off them 2 and make sure min payments are going to the Barclaycard one?! I know its a bit mean but that way I wont have to pay the debt if I leave. He wouldnt know anyway! Or is that just mean?

Is it just the Barclaycard one in his name?

Seriously though, revenge is a dish better NEVER served. Don't stoop to his level, its not worth it. The best revenge you can get on him is splitting with him and moving on with your life and being yourself again. :grouphug:

Staciep88

Meltrix wrote: »

Staciep

You should heed the good advice on here and finish with this guy now - he's not going to change and it won't get better. He's the one who couldn't cope without you don't let him make you think otherwise.

I've been in a similar situation as you, however it was my girlfriend who was jealous, possessive and abusive towards me. She didn't like me talking to other girls to the extent that I virtually severed contact with most of my female friends to please her. If she found out i'd met up with any of them she'd accuse me of sleeping with them. Anytime an attractive girl walked past us in the street she'd accuse me of eyeing them up, would dig her fingernails into my hand or just verbally abuse me. Even in the cinema watching a film she'd do the same anytime a woman came on screen. I didn't do anything about it, I was a very overweight bloke and had low self esteem and didn't think anyone else would find me attractive. We split up a couple of times but got back together, each time I thought it would be different but it never was. In the end I couldn't take anymore of just putting up with a miserable relationship and after 4 years I realised I had to take control of my life. I joined the gym, went on a diet, lost 5 stone in 5 months, became fit and active, got a new wardrobe, felt fantastic and confident and never looked back. I saved up and one year later, ditched the job went off around the world for 7 months and met an amazing woman who's now my wonderful wife.

The funny thing was that once I was on my own so many of my friends and family came out and said they could never understand what I was doing with her. I wish they'd said something before but in a way, making my own mind up was a big part of moving on.

Never think you should stay because you don't want to be on your own. I read another of your posts a week or so ago about you planning to start a family next year - I really wanted at the time to post that at 19 I felt you should go and live your life a bit first to make sure you were really ready to settle down but felt it might not be welcome. However, given this thread I can't emphasise it enough, ditch this guy, go have fun and enjoy yourself - life is too short to put up with unhappiness and abuse.

How awful - when u said that though something clicked - OH sister is like that, she has to watch a film on her own first to check out the women and then if they arent too gorgeous, or dont get topless in it etc, she will let her OH watch it... which is ridiculous as they have a baby together!!

Staciep88

MrsTine wrote: »

I think that's a fab idea... but that means you're not planning on kicking him out tonight doesn't it? Hmmmmmm?

No it doesnt mean that but it does mean that I will have one hell of a big smile on my face when I do leave. He will have alot of money of pay off his debt as of mid Nov (when we move to his parents) and I could just pay loads off and then when its clear go. I know he's horrible, but I do not think he would be a stupid as to abuse me whilst at his parents - he wouldnt want them to know the real him (there darlin little boy) It may seem a silly thing to do, but I really would rather leave him with a completly clean slate.

Oh and I would also be taking, the telly i bought, the ps3 i bought, the table i bought, oh and sofas that I bought. Oh yeah....and the bed! haha

I know why your all saying leave tonight and I can understand but Im not ready to leave whilst I owe £1500 of his debt. Call me silly, but thats how im feeling right now

Sian_the_Green

Hey Stacie, some great advice from loads of people. I'm sure you know the best thing to do, cut the ties and move on, but I am sure it will be really hard at first. One thing to remember is that it is better to be single than to be an a bad relationship. I am 26 and living with 3 other girls, 3 of us are single and we have a great time, cooking and eating together, spending time chatting through our days, going out together. Men can be great but they aren't the be all and end all, get yourself back out there and just enjoy life with your friends and family if you can, the people who make you feel yourself again
Hope it all works out

Jo_F

Staciep88 wrote: »

I have just had a thought - I could be a little bit mean though:

I am in charge of OH money - what gets paid to where. In my sig theres the amounts that he owes to the different places. As the Virgin and Mint card are in my name (and even though at 0%) should I just pay loadsa money off them 2 and make sure min payments are going to the Barclaycard one?! I know its a bit mean but that way I wont have to pay the debt if I leave. He wouldnt know anyway! Or is that just mean?

Here's what I would do, after taking the advice to get rid of him NOW.

I assume you control his bank account and or payments? in that case, I wourl just turn his money over to him, pay anything that is in your name, if there is anything in his name (like the B/card or whatever) then just leave them, they are his responsibility and if he doesn't pay them, then that's his look out. He's big enough to be a bully, then he's big enough to pay his own bills.

I would also take the payments for the cards in your name that he is paying towards, and make sure they get paid this month, cos I am pretty sure that when you get rid of him, he will be reluctant to pay you for them.

calculatethis

Hi Stacey, I haven’t had time to read all this, but I get the gist of your problem, and I just wanted to offer you my support and share my experience with you. I am currently trying to sort out my life…I am married with a child, and a mortgage, and a pile of debt much bigger than yours and I wish I had been courageous enough to leave him many years ago, (although if I had done I wouldn’t have my beautiful child who I love more than anything else) my husband has been abusive to various degrees over the years, he always says it is me that provokes the argument, but I didn’t deserve to be hit and I realise this now and part of my problem is that I feel so angry with MYSELF for being so blinkered and submissive and accepting it all.

I’m not saying this to make you feel sorry for me, or to compare but just to say I recognise SO much of what you are saying, and I can only say, please please don’t let the debt he has run up in your name stop you leaving and I can fully understand that you are angry and are trying to get him to pay it back before you leave. I know it is a lot of money but if you stick with him and you are still unhappy in 10 years time, you will look back and really regret cutting your losses….you are still so young!! You don’t need a man to complete your life, believe me!! I am actually enjoying being on my own for the first time in years, over the time we were together he controlled so much of what I did (even down to what we watched on the telly)

I am at the stage where I am not sleeping at nights worrying about what to do for the best, and what my options are, if I didn’t have a mortgage and a child with him, (and also be married!) it would be so so much more simple to just walk away right now.

I remember vividly all the various times I NEARLY walked out on him over the last 16 years…and every time I went back to him because I was worried about money he owed me, or what my parents or his parents might think, or even what people at work or our friends might think! Maybe it has taken all these years for me to get enough self confidence to not worry about what others think, or maybe because he has taken me to the brink of bankruptcy which has made me so scared and I am so angry with him for doing….not for my sake, because I am an adult so I should have known better, but for the sake of my daughter…she doesn’t deserve to have a crap childhood just because her parents were stupid with money.

You are not ugly and you are not fat! The fact that you are worrying about this shows he has really got to you, and is trying to undermine you…..don’t listen to him.

I found it useful to write down all the rubbish things he has done and all his annoying habits, the lsit got longer and longer. Then at the other side I wrote all the things I would miss if we weren’t together…guess which one was longer.

Pm me if you want a longer chat!