A not so happy relationship

Loretta

Steel wrote: »

Still foxxy though......smile or not.

Found it!!

1-10-2008, 12:28 PM #33
Loretta
Serious MoneySaving Fan


Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Nr Brighton
Post Count: 825
Thanked 829 Times in 405 Posts

Don't worry about all the horrible things he says about you. Anyone on here who has or had a husband or partners like yours and is going through the same experience can tell you a list of things they ALL say, hopeless mother, useless, fat, ugly, no one else will ever want you, you will be on your own for ever, you will not manage financially, the problem is yours not his, you will soon come crawling back, you are obviously going mad, he will go to court and get custody of the children, you will never see the children again, the children will hate you, family, friends will all hate you, everyone one knows what you are like, they are all talking about you, they are all on his side, everyone says they don't know why he stays with you - have I missed anything out? You will find that all these sort of people have a script and they all say exactly the same thing, don't think that any of what is being said to you is true because they all say exactly the same thing.

When I was a social worker, up until 1989, when I was dealing with domestic violence I used to write down and keep a note of what these partners/husband's said, their own particular comments. I worked there for 15 years and during this time I saw the 2nd, 3rd, 4th 5th etc wife or partner of the same man several times. One particular girl I was helping, and this was the first time my theory worked, told me that her husband would not let her out of the house on her own, this was when I realised that it was not just violence involved it was also about control, and he used to say that when she walked a few yards down the road to post a letter she was really going to wave down a lorry and have sex with the driver, obviously a complete stranger, and then post the letter and then go back home. All this would take about two and a half minutes!! this poor girl needed a new man like a hole in the head, the one she had probably put her off men for life. When she told me this I started laughing while I went through my notes looking for what I had written down about the previous 3 wives/partners and I was able to show her that he had said exactly the same thing to all the previous ones. She thought that she had given her man reason to say all this nonsense. We laughed ourselves silly for about 10 minutes and the descion was made for her without any more worrying about whether or not she was doing the right thing.

You are not the problem, you are not the cause of his behaviour, but he is the cause or your unhappiness and anxiety. You are not to blame and you are concerned, rightly so, about your children and the affect all this is having on them.

As has been said there must be some sort of welfare people in the forces you can speak to for practical advice for you with regards housing, money etc. Get some advice from them and some legal advice, make a plan so that you can pick the time and get organised

Good luck


Loretta

you can tell I am just catching up with this post! I thought it was me when you mentioned the list they all say, these bullying men they have no imagination or originality!

I hate bullies, you are 19 and have supportive parents, phone them now, you won't have to explain they will already know what has been going on and they will be so relieved.They will help you deal with everything by the sound of it. If they want the money back or want the money for your credit card that is really his debt they have far more experience of life to deal with it, don't worry. Just say 'Mum I want to come home' and it could be over as easily as that. You do not owe him anything, no explanation, nothing

superstar_2

As a bloke:

I wonder how men even think obout hitting women, I would never do that to any women!

Your life is worth more than 1500 quid, simply said.

Ellie2758

Just go Stacie. It really is the best thing to do.

CharlotteandEden

Stacie please get out. I have recently split from an abusive partner and it's the best thing i ever did. You will feel like a weight has been lifted. If you want a chat pm me.
Charley

zippybungle

As the others have said, get rid! and do not get pregnant!!!

Good Luck

Zippy x

belfastgirl23

I am really glad you have finally admitted this! I've been noticing your posts for a while and thinking that there was a lot more to that story than you were saying.

I don't think there's a lot to say. You're only 20. You have many many years ahead of you. Do you want to spend them with someone who makes you feel like this? there are a lot of good men out there. Why stick with someone who is no good for you.

As for the money, frankly it's a small price to pay. OK you might feel stupid taking on his debt but you'd be a lot stupider to stay with him for the sake of the money.

Grab your stuff and go back to your mum and dads.

DKLS

This pathetic creature needs educating in the error of his ways. How brave of him punching you on the legs, what a waste of oxygen.

Transfer whatever you can, and squirrel away everything else. (dont be buying any xmas pressies for him)
Tell your your parents, tell your friends. You'd be amazed what you can acheive with the backup of friends and family.:D

Invite your family and a few friends round for a 'moving out' do and bag his belongings and put them out on the street, and delete him from your life.

Believe me, this man is a coward of the highest order, confronted by his peers he will crumble to the slug that he is.

You fill find the strength to act, you are much stronger than what you think you are, much stronger than him, thats why he has to control you.
Get the locks, Get a new sim card.

From then on you can start over, and one day you will find someone who will treat you with the respect, kindness & love that you so deserve.

How many bedrooms has the house got? (If more than 1)
why not ask your parents if you could get a lodger or 2, and move some friends in, you could throw more money at any remaining debts, and have a load of fun, you know dancing your !!!! off all night whilst drunk with friends is proven therapy for the soul :j, and discover who you are again and enjoy life. No one should have to live in fear.

MrsE_2

Staciep88 wrote: »

I know thats how I should be thinking...but I'm not. I keep thinking that it will go back to how it used to be. You know, I fought so hard to get that bloke as my boyfriend. We were meant to be starting a family next year, Funny how everything goes wrong! People can change cant they?

He always tells me I need to go to anger management for my shouting, maybe if I did he wouldnt get so mad at me?

Take something big & heavy & while he sleeps tonight bash him in the head with it.

When he comes round tell him if he ever lays another hand on you he best learn to sleep with one eye open.

MrsE_2

RedBern wrote: »

what you decide to do is up to you.

However as a mum of a daughter (who is a little older than you - living at home and driving me absolutely bonkers!;)) - I'd welcome here home like a shot if I thought she was unhappy in a relationship like you are at the moment. I'm sure your parents want you to be safe and happy in that order - you won't get the one without the other I'm afraid. You've the rest of your life ahead of you - living at home aged 20 is not a failure.

I second this. My DD is 21, DH would batter her any BF she had that hit her. He always says shes a grown woman & I should give her more space, then suddenly shes a child again when it suits him:rolleyes:
I bet your parents would go mad if they knew:mad:

moggylover

I think you know that you have just got to get shot of him: BEFORE you are tempted to take Mrs E's advice and risk ending up in trouble for hitting him a little too hard;) . Much as he might deserve it - it would not be worth the risk.

You are so young! Many of us have been in the same situation, and we all know just how hard it is to go: but we also know just how much better it feels when you finally pluck up the courage and go!

S*d the £1500, if you can pay any of that off before you get shot of him, then so be it: I would just pay all of his wages towards those debts and nothing towards anything else (as it is the end of the month and thus wages probably due) and then get your parents to come over whilst you pack up his stuff and dump it outside, and change the locks. I would also make sure that you have someone staying over with you for a couple of nights whilst he gets used to the idea of not having you to prop him up and balance his books!;) It says something VERY loudly anyway that a 26 year old "man" needs a 19 year old girl to sort his debts out anyhow - so just think on who really needs who:D .

Just get your pretty wee self out of his range and get on with your life! Don't look back with regret: put it down to an unpleasant experience from which you will learn and make sure that you give yourself breathing space to get to know who YOU really are before you even think of another relationship because only once you know who you truly are will you be able to find the RIGHT person to be with.

You are definitely a whole lot more than the person he makes you think you are: we all know you are, but you are the one who needs to find you and believe in you!

Good luck!
Moggy