A not so happy relationship

paddy's_mum

Stacie - your youth is showing!

You know better than most that on these forums, I have several times advised you to slow down, cement relationships, take the time to learn about yourselves and generally ease off the headlong rush into what you appear to believe you ought to be achieving. In the light of what has actually been going on, that advice was far more relevant than anyone realised, wasn't it?

belfastgirl's earlier response to you (post 117) hit the nail right on the head, in my view. My advise to you would be this - take the time to learn what it is about your own character that compelled you to be rushing into owning land, building a house, moving in with parents, starting a family ... Good Lord - only a few months ago you even went so far as to buy a complete set of clothes for a baby not yet conceived! At the end of it, you may understand yourself better and have the tools to avoid such painful and disastrous events in the future.

I do sympathise with the unhappy circumstances you are now in but can you also see that for some time now older and wiser heads than yours have been trying very hard to give you good and sensible advice? Now might be the time to recognise that at only 19, you are still a virtual baby and that this time, taking the advice of people who have been there, done that and still carry the scars might be the best or only valid way forward, out of this pit of problems.

I wish you well, as I always have, but would urge you to realise that the small mistake of losing £1500 is peanuts if the price you pay is to make an even bigger mistake of staying with the boyfriend and enduring years of misery. That's always assuming, of course, that he doesn't end up causing you lasting physical injury or even death.

It's all very easy to be saying to yourself "but I love him". How will your heart feel when it is much loved children who are witnessing the cruelty to and abasement of their mother. Do you love your future children enough to give up chasing dreams of what life "ought" to be with this man? Only you can do the soul searching and the deep thinking but there really is nothing holding you with this man except your own hopes and/or delusions - shed them and the path to freedom and a happier you becomes clear, doesn't it? If nothing else, confide in your parents and get their support and encouragement - I'd bet money that they are quietly being torn apart watching you careering helter-skelter along a road leading only to grief and pain!

I can only repeat what I said to you in my last response to a question you had posed. "Slow down, sweetheart, do a bit more growing up and learning .. " Good luck for I shall be thinking of you and wishing you happier times ahead.

Staciep88

Wow, lots of comments have come back to. Thank you everyone.

At work yesterday I broke down infront of my sister - she could tell I was upset. I couldnt bring myself to tell her about the hitting and the abuse but I did tell her that I want to leave him but I'm worried about this £1500 debt. She said to me that I was not to worry about it and I wasnt stupid I just made a mistake that I thought was something good. I am at my mums now and she has said to me that he's not the one for me and I agreed and told her it wouldnt be long til I'm home. I dunno if she knows about this £1500 in my name or not...

Went out last night (with him) and even if i do say so my self I was looking pretty good - and when OH best mate complimented me - Oh you should have seen his face. what a picture!

MrsTinks

Good on you - Your sister is a sensible sort by the sound of things and your mum will not care a hoot about the £1500 either, nor the money he owes them. Knowing your child is safe and happy is priceless, but if you feel badly about it then you can always pay her back in installments over the next year I'm sure she'd rather write it off though than know you were being bullied like this by him!

RedBern

paddy's_mum wrote: »

You know better than most that on these forums, I have several times advised you to slow down, cement relationships, take the time to learn about yourselves and generally ease off the headlong rush into what you appear to believe you ought to be achieving. In the light of what has actually been going on, that advice was far more relevant than anyone realised, wasn't it?

belfastgirl's earlier response to you (post 117) hit the nail right on the head, in my view. My advise to you would be this - take the time to learn what it is about your own character that compelled you to be rushing into owning land, building a house, moving in with parents, starting a family ... Good Lord - only a few months ago you even went so far as to buy a complete set of clothes for a baby not yet conceived! At the end of it, you may understand yourself better and have the tools to avoid such painful and disastrous events in the future.

I do sympathise with the unhappy circumstances you are now in but can you also see that for some time now older and wiser heads than yours have been trying very hard to give you good and sensible advice? Now might be the time to recognise that at only 19, you are still a virtual baby and that this time, taking the advice of people who have been there, done that and still carry the scars might be the best or only valid way forward, out of this pit of problems.

I can only repeat what I said to you in my last response to a question you had posed. "Slow down, sweetheart, do a bit more growing up and learning .. " Good luck for I shall be thinking of you and wishing you happier times ahead.

Stacie, have a good long read of Paddy's mum's advice. She seems to know a bit more about your circumstances from past posts. Consider going for some counselling sessions - which may help you unpick why you feel the need to rush headlong into things. As Paddy's mum says, (and everyone on here says) you're young, you've got your life ahead of you. Life isn't a race - it is for living and enjoying. It would also reinforce the other advice on here - it's not you - it's him with the problem.
Have fun girl - get out there and enjoy being young, free and single;)

Staciep88

Yeah I think I would still pay her the £325 that he owes her as I feel bad that she wasnt paid it back. I will be honest, I do come from a well off family so £325 is nothing to them but to me, I would love to pay it back to them as I still feel guilty about it. She probs wont let me but I will try.

Staciep88

RedBern wrote: »

Stacie, have a good long read of Paddy's mum's advice. She seems to know a bit more about your circumstances from past posts. Consider going for some counselling sessions - which may help you unpick why you feel the need to rush headlong into things. As Paddy's mum says, (and everyone on here says) you're young, you've got your life ahead of you. Life isn't a race - it is for living and enjoying. It would also reinforce the other advice on here - it's not you - it's him with the problem.
Have fun girl - get out there and enjoy being young, free and single;)

Hiya, I wont be going to conciling - I can answer the question myself - I thought that if we were to have a house, to have a family, have the nice cars - then we would look normal and everything would go back to being fine. I laugh now that I thought it would work! x

RedBern

Staciep88 wrote: »

Hiya, I wont be going to conciling - I can answer the question myself - I thought that if we were to have a house, to have a family, have the nice cars - then we would look normal and everything would go back to being fine. I laugh now that I thought it would work! x

hey - don't knock it 'til you've tried it!!:D:D You may be answering the wrong question:D

it would help you think about what 'normal' is though - and what is 'fine' (F*cked up, insecure, neurotic, exhausted as my counsellor used to reply to me when I said I was 'fine'!) x

Staciep88

Thats very true - I didnt think about it like that, thank you. I suppose it would be good so that I really can clear the air. I will look into it later xx

AnnieM_3

Didn't want to read and run...

Ignore the £1,500 - that can be paid off in time, and you can pay back the £325 in time too.

What you can't do is get up and turn the other cheek when he has beaten you to death, or suffocated you with the duvet.

Please don't let this monster kill you, for the sake of a few quid.

Go back to your family and get your head straight, so you can put this behind you, and have a bright future.

You should also report him to the police - he needs to get fixed (either by therapy and counselling, or with 2 bricks to his bits from his cellmate?). You owe that to any other women that may come into contact with him!

paddy's_mum

I am more pleased than I can tell you that you have finally confided in your family. I can virtually guarantee that they will not fail you, now that you have trusted them enough to turn to them. Don't stop on the edge of matters - go see your family and bare your soul. The job's not done till the paperwork is finished!

If nothing else, doesn't the reaction of your Mum and your sister tell you that you are a worthwhile and loveable person? Put that in the boyfriend's pipe and tell him to smoke it!

Without in any way meaning to criticise you, may I add that how things "look" is just about the worst rule of life anyone could possibly have. I once lived for five years with a guy who was handsome with bells on. I loved him totally. He was cruel, unfaithful and in the end, physically violent and he killed any shred of love I had for him. (His next 'love of his life' lasted two years before going the same way as I did!) Later I met and married a man who nobody would ever describe as good looking but my word, I have never in my life met a soul with more kindness and there is no way I am letting such a good man go!

If you learn only one thing out of all this, make it that how things look is an extremely poor yardstick of human worth, endeavour or value. There is a very old proverb from the Bible which runs something like this - better a dish of bitter herbs where love is than a dinner of fatted ox where hatred lives.

Good luck with getting everything sorted out and here's me raising my cuppa to wish you a happier future.