A not so happy relationship

belfastgirl23

I totally understand wanting to give something another go. But if it isn't based on an acknowledgement that hitting you was totally out of order then all you're doing is establishing that you are prepared to accept this in your relationship. It will happen again.

If you want to give it another go you need to have a very serious talk with him about what the basis for this will be. If you can't face having the talk with him then that should pretty much tell you everything you need to know...

Bear in mind that other posters tend to identify that these issues get A LOT worse when you have children. So going ahead without anything changing means bringing up your kids in a house where mum gets beaten. And maybe so do they. See yourself in Casualty at ten at night with a child on your hip telling the nurse that you fell down the stairs (again). See the look on your parents faces when you tell them that you banged your head on the cupboard (again!) and that's how you got the black eye. See the look on your childrens faces as you tell them to go to bed and try not to scream too loud. Is this how you want your life to be?

If not something has to change...whether it's him or your relationship is up to you both...

Slinky

I haven't read the whole thread, but a fair amount of it.

Can I ask you OP, when you were a little girl dreaming of the future and what it might bring, were you dreaming your future would be tied to a bully who made you unhappy. Is this what you wanted? And this bloke is the person you want to father your children? Seriously? Of all the men on the planet, you've found the perfect man and he treats you like this?

You say you 'fought so hard' to win him. Why? What for? Isn't it the case of finding yourself having won a poisoned chalice and now you don't want to admit the 'prize' was never worth having?

Walk away, move on and find another life for yourself whilst you still can.

EmiliaAndBentley_2

I read through this thread and im in a rather similar situatuion But i Rely on my on/off partner for money and his ebay accounts etc and like they all can be...its lovely one minute..a monster the next...although he isn't violent its more emotional kina things But as im looking from a outsider of stacie' story Im thinking (although this site is about saving money lol) whats does money matter..spend or saved.. if it makes you happy ..leave him and think of that £1,500 well spent lol
Stacie PM if u wanna chat

roswell

Staciep88 wrote: »

I told him to go f*** his self and i walked off, he clearly didnt like that as he text me saying ' dont you ever speak to me like that blah blah blah' and I text him back after about an hour saying, well dont speak to me like that! I havent heard anything back yet.

Clearly their is more than one issue, obviously you cant have expected a calm response from your advice for your advice to him, not that im condoning his actions but it all seems rather school ground ish ill call you names you call me names im not going to do this if your not going to do that ...

Ultimately you must know at this point the relationship is over and just the same he probably knows the same way, neither of you want to look a fool by braking it off so instead your both trying to push the other into making the decision, why not just lay it out to him your not happy, you dont like being treated the way he treats you, if thier is anything to save you BOTH need to work for it, if your heart is set on somoen from the past be carefull what you wish for but ultimately if you cant both talk to each other and treat each other with respect thier is no point being in the same house / room / relationship.

Staciep88

Thank you for your replies. I am not doing this for attention - trust me - im the one who sits in the corner about this situation and hopes no1 notices me. Yes people have gone to the trouble of replying to me, and yes they are all the same answers - but until you are in the position you will never understand how hard it is. I'm hurt that you think I would post such a nasty post in order to get attention. I think Im going to close this post now, as your right I suppose. You cant help some1 who doesnt help their self. And until I actually find some strength inside of me I probs wont leave, this is where my OH comments do come in to the truth. I am pathetic.

Post closed

paddy's_mum

Okay, so the thread is closed but credit should be given where it is due - Stacie is entirely missing the point when she says, and I quote - "until you are in the position you will never understand how hard it is".

Many, if not most, of the responses to the thread have come from people who know exactly what it is like since they have endured and survived domestic violence and/or emotional abuse, in all its many forms. Those people are speaking from experience, not from some lovey-dovey dreamland.

I too can only wish Stacie well and pray that the next time this forum hears from her, it will be about something cheerful and worthwhile. I'm sure I speak for many when I say that I would be extremely dismayed to discover that the unkindnesses and aggression were continuing and that despite our warnings, Stacie had become trapped in a loveless and cruel relationship.

Don't you sometimes wish there was a genetic button you could push to put old heads on young shoulders?

Justwed08

This is my first post - I had to register so that I could post an response but please please leave this man. I was married at 16 to a lovely man who gradually changed and by the time I was in my thirties with 2 children I was being beaten nearly everyday and thought I was ugly, fat and deserved no better. One day I had enough and just never went home form work. I lost everything from my clothes to the photo albums of my children. I had just the clothes I stood up in. My kids who were teenagers by then stayed with my Mum until I found a flat for us all. It was hard after 20 years to start again but I did and last month I remarried to a lovely man who would never ever hurt me.

They never change is my message to you - my ex would always be sorry and sometimes he wouldn't hit me for weeks but I was forever walking on eggshells and my kids have awful memories of childhood for which I will never forgive myself.

Leave him now and please please do not get pregnant by this man.

Uniscots97

Staciep88 wrote: »

Thank you for your replies. I am not doing this for attention - trust me - im the one who sits in the corner about this situation and hopes no1 notices me. Yes people have gone to the trouble of replying to me, and yes they are all the same answers - but until you are in the position you will never understand how hard it is. I'm hurt that you think I would post such a nasty post in order to get attention. I think Im going to close this post now, as your right I suppose. You cant help some1 who doesnt help their self. And until I actually find some strength inside of me I probs wont leave, this is where my OH comments do come in to the truth. I am pathetic.

Post closed

I can't speak for anyone else but myself I have been where you are. Can you do ONE thing for me please. Tell your Mum about him punching you. That was the turning point for me and helped give me the strength to leave my abusive partner. There's strength in numbers.

As for what others have said they are not trying to be nasty, its an emotive subject and makes people's blood boil knowing someone is in an abusive relationship and not making a move. Yes, it is difficult and even myself I know if it was one of my friends and they weren't leaving straight away I'd want to know why even though having been there you want the easiest way out with the least upheaval and the least pain.


If you take anything away from this thread then please don't take it as anger, its not its concern which same as me you'll see once you're free. But again (and sorry to sound like a stuck record), tell your Mum about the punching. It will be a huge weight off your shoulders, I promise.

hocuspocus22

Hi, I know that the post is closed but i really just wanted to make sure that you know that 'NO-ONE IS JUDGING YOU' its really important that you know that. We are only trying to offer you support which as everyone else has said you need to tell your family so that they can extend our support to you.

i spoke with my aunties partner who works with domestic voilence perpurtrators (not sure thats spelt rite) he said that your OH will think that his behaviour is normal and that he is not doing anything wrong. and it takes people a very long time to change once they have realised they are doing something wrong and they need alot of help to do that (not sure what is available in your area) and sometimes they just cant change.

please look at this website: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

not sure how to make that work as a link but i guess copy and pasting will do the trick

all the very best X

Staciep88

hocuspocus22: thank you very much for that, im looking on the site now. And I know I closed the post but I will just give you a little update. 2 nights ago, another argument kicked off when OH tried cornering me after calling me names - I obviously told him to get off and it started from there. He pushed me and I lost my balance and fell over. I then found some strength inside (and I really do have every1 of you to thank for that) and I told him to get out and told him I would have his bags packed by tomorrow morning and he could collect them on his way to work. So he went out the house, got in his car and sat there for a while, then came back in, then went out again, but then he came back in again and said that he wasnt going. Now, I don't have the phyical strength to make him leave, and I didnt want to ring my dad mainly becoz I'm a bit soft and didnt want OH to feel embarrassed, so I said more things to make him leave. One thing in particular made him start to cry, and that was when I said 'I don't know if you're going to treat your next girlfriend like this, she'll probs be stronger than me and wont take it, but if not, don't call her names becoz it hurts' and he started to say how much he loves me and he couldnt leave becoz he loves me too much etc etc. So anyway, I told him that if he ever calls me names again, pushes me around, insults my family etc then that would be it and we would be over. I can honestly say that when I told him to leave I felt such a good feeling inside (again, thanks to you) and if/when the time comes when he has called me names etc again, I really do think that I can leave him, and I wont feel that I'll be embarassing him by getting others involved as I have already warned him! Thanks again everyone x