A not so happy relationship

Staciep88

I know, I know exactly what your saying. And I think will report him, but not yet. When Im away from him I will.

In response to another post about the woman who has the 21 year old daughter: I used to be like that, if my little brother was ever picked on by another lad - I would be straight up there and I wouldnt even think twice about pinning the little sod up against the wall. But now, I've let OH go too far and I don't have the strength for it. Maybe if I were to get counceling now it would help to rebuild my confidence and then would make the whole situation of leaving him easier as I would be stronger?

Zazen999

Staciep88 wrote: »

I know, I know exactly what your saying. And I think will report him, but not yet. When Im away from him I will.

In response to another post about the woman who has the 21 year old daughter: I used to be like that, if my little brother was ever picked on by another lad - I would be straight up there and I wouldnt even think twice about pinning the little sod up against the wall. But now, I've let OH go too far and I don't have the strength for it. Maybe if I were to get counceling now it would help to rebuild my confidence and then would make the whole situation of leaving him easier as I would be stronger?

Yes, it would. I had 2 sessions and virtually waltzed out of the place with the enlightenment I just couldn't see for myself. Never looked back.

Remember, he hits you in those places because they can't be seen.

He hits you in those places because they can't be seen by carefully planning where he will hit you.

This means that all the time you were planning your future, he was planning where to hit you.

Loretta

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Stacie - your youth is showing!

You know better than most that on these forums, I have several times advised you to slow down, cement relationships, take the time to learn about yourselves and generally ease off the headlong rush into what you appear to believe you ought to be achieving. In the light of what has actually been going on, that advice was far more relevant than anyone realised, wasn't it?

belfastgirl's earlier response to you (post 117) hit the nail right on the head, in my view. My advise to you would be this - take the time to learn what it is about your own character that compelled you to be rushing into owning land, building a house, moving in with parents, starting a family ... Good Lord - only a few months ago you even went so far as to buy a complete set of clothes for a baby not yet conceived! At the end of it, you may understand yourself better and have the tools to avoid such painful and disastrous events in the future.

I do sympathise with the unhappy circumstances you are now in but can you also see that for some time now older and wiser heads than yours have been trying very hard to give you good and sensible advice? Now might be the time to recognise that at only 19, you are still a virtual baby and that this time, taking the advice of people who have been there, done that and still carry the scars might be the best or only valid way forward, out of this pit of problems.

I wish you well, as I always have, but would urge you to realise that the small mistake of losing £1500 is peanuts if the price you pay is to make an even bigger mistake of staying with the boyfriend and enduring years of misery. That's always assuming, of course, that he doesn't end up causing you lasting physical injury or even death.

It's all very easy to be saying to yourself "but I love him". How will your heart feel when it is much loved children who are witnessing the cruelty to and abasement of their mother. Do you love your future children enough to give up chasing dreams of what life "ought" to be with this man? Only you can do the soul searching and the deep thinking but there really is nothing holding you with this man except your own hopes and/or delusions - shed them and the path to freedom and a happier you becomes clear, doesn't it? If nothing else, confide in your parents and get their support and encouragement - I'd bet money that they are quietly being torn apart watching you careering helter-skelter along a road leading only to grief and pain!

I can only repeat what I said to you in my last response to a question you had posed. "Slow down, sweetheart, do a bit more growing up and learning .. " Good luck for I shall be thinking of you and wishing you happier times ahead.

As usual excellent advice from Paddy's Mum and as I have said on other posts, print this off, stick it on the wall and read it 100 times a day.

We don't know you but we have lived life a little and have gained some experience and we very much wish to tell you what we have found out happens in life and are trying and hoping to save you the pain and distress that we have had and hope you can avoid it

Loretta

Staciep88 wrote: »

I know, I know exactly what your saying. And I think will report him, but not yet. When Im away from him I will.

In response to another post about the woman who has the 21 year old daughter: I used to be like that, if my little brother was ever picked on by another lad - I would be straight up there and I wouldnt even think twice about pinning the little sod up against the wall. But now, I've let OH go too far and I don't have the strength for it. Maybe if I were to get counceling now it would help to rebuild my confidence and then would make the whole situation of leaving him easier as I would be stronger?

You are wrong, get out now, the counselling would not be about him it would be about you learning about yourself and why you got sucked into this damaging relationship. Mind you you may not need counselling at all just leaving this idiot would do. The rest you could learn as you get older and more experienced, a lot about what has happened is about you being so young. Forget babies, houses, cars etc just have fun, you are only 19 once. When you meet the right man all that will slip into place but wait about 10 years before you think about it again!!

r.mac_2

paddy's mum - what excellent advice.

great to hear you confided in your sister and mum a little - keep talking to them and don't worry about letting them in on what's happening. You need support right now - and IMO they sound very supportive and they obviously love you. Hopefully this will giev you that little extra push you need...

good luck x

belfastgirl23

I don't think you should think too much about getting the strength to leave. To be honest I think you should just do it. You know it's the right thing. And if you overthink how and when to do it, it just saps your energy. and potentially puts you at further risk. All you have to do is walk out. It's that easy. You can collect your things later with your family. You're in a very lucky position in a lot of ways. You don't have kids to worry about. Your 'learning' debt is no more than £2k. You have a loving family who are desperate to welcome you home. He has displayed his violent tendencies early enough for you to get out with minimal damage to you.

You just have to keep in mind that he will beg and he will promise to be different and he will threaten. That's the pattern. Unless he shows significant commitment to change (going to counselling, actually showing different behaviour patterns) it's all still part of the same old cycle.

You obviously do mean it, the fact that you've stopped putting on a brave face for us and your family means you're ready to go. So just do it.

MrsE_2

Staciep88 wrote: »

I know, I know exactly what your saying. And I think will report him, but not yet. When Im away from him I will.

In response to another post about the woman who has the 21 year old daughter: I used to be like that, if my little brother was ever picked on by another lad - I would be straight up there and I wouldnt even think twice about pinning the little sod up against the wall. But now, I've let OH go too far and I don't have the strength for it. Maybe if I were to get counceling now it would help to rebuild my confidence and then would make the whole situation of leaving him easier as I would be stronger?

I guess thats to me?

Go & tell your mum & dad, they will find the strength for you;)

MrsE_2

Zazen999 wrote: »

Yes, it would. I had 2 sessions and virtually waltzed out of the place with the enlightenment I just couldn't see for myself. Never looked back.

Remember, he hits you in those places because they can't be seen.

He hits you in those places because they can't be seen by carefully planning where he will hit you.

This means that all the time you were planning your future, he was planning where to hit you.

Its sick, (he's sick/nasty/evil) but I think you have sumed it up there.

And its pretty scary. What a pathetic excuse of a man.

Funny thing about men who hit women, they are yellow to the bone. You would NEVER catch them hitting another man.

Zazen999

MrsE wrote: »

Its sick, (he's sick/nasty/evil) but I think you have sumed it up there.

And its pretty scary. What a pathetic excuse of a man.

Funny thing about men who hit women, they are yellow to the bone. You would NEVER catch them hitting another man.

I've had a lot of time to think about it...luckily there are plenty of men out there who are decent and wholesome and don't think like that - they just take a bit more looking for.

arthur_dent_2

I am so sorry for all that you have gone through and so proud of what you are now doing. the road to recovery of your life and your self esteem will be a long one but you have mine and many other peoples sincere best wishes for the future. Remember no person is perfect but there are men (and women) out there who are worth the time and effort.