A not so happy relationship

wannabe_sybil

Of course he cried when you told him to leave.

Hitting (planned to hit you where it didn't show) didn't work, so he tried emotional abuse.

Please, do not think I am judging you. You have to make your own decisions and you have to live your life in your circumstances. But please, keep a diary of every thing he does to you that hurts, physical or emotional. Then look back, once a month. Whatever you do, do not allow him to control your money as that is the next thing to keep you subject to his control and he may feel that if you move to his family's house then you have to do as he says. He may feel that his parents will tolerate his abuse of you, and he may be right.

He wants to control you, have you completely dominated by him. Hitting is good as that will make him feel better, emotional abuse is also good and knowing that you will not have the money for a pair of tights without grovelling to him (my late mother's situation) will make him happy. Please be careful, please watch yourself. Please do not let him do an injury to you that has permanent effects.

Staciep88

Yeah I thought he would cry but at the same time I actually thought he would leave - so I thought I wouldnt have to deal with it. I feel better now that I have stood up to him and warned him, so next time it happens he knows the deal, and then I wont spend the rest of life telling myself 'what if....' cuz I will know that I gave him that chance and he didnt prove himself. I dont care about that £1500 anymore either

wannabe_sybil

I can hear how much more confidence you have, and I am so happy - I hope all works out for you!

Hectors_House

Staciep88 wrote: »

Yeah I thought he would cry but at the same time I actually thought he would leave - so I thought I wouldnt have to deal with it. I feel better now that I have stood up to him and warned him, so next time it happens he knows the deal, and then I wont spend the rest of life telling myself 'what if....' cuz I will know that I gave him that chance and he didnt prove himself. I dont care about that £1500 anymore either

Reading this thread is like watching a car crash in slow motion.

You're doing the right thing by standing up to him and you yourself can feel the strength that that gives to you so well done!

I would just say that him pushing you is his way of seeing, again what he can get away with you. He's punched you in areas of the body where he knows bruises wont be visible and now he has pushed you. If you hadn't stood up to him this time my guess is the next action on his part, whilst you were arguing would be more forceful restraint/violence towards you.

He may well think that this behaviour will be accepted in his his own home once you move there. Do you know if his father acts like this towards his mother cus he must have learnt that this behaviour is acceptable from someone.

Just, please don't hold back from involving your father because you feel embarressed for your partner. Part of his controlling you will rely on you not wanting to share what is happening with your family/friends and then moving you away from your circle of support where he can have total control.

Well done for standing up to him and please make sure you kick him out at the slightest sign because he may now feel even more threatened that he may lose you and lay into you worse next time cus he thinks he has nothing to lose.

Staciep88

Hectors_House wrote: »

Reading this thread is like watching a car crash in slow motion.

You're doing the right thing by standing up to him and you yourself can feel the strength that that gives to you so well done!

I would just say that him pushing you is his way of seeing, again what he can get away with you. He's punched you in areas of the body where he knows bruises wont be visible and now he has pushed you. If you hadn't stood up to him this time my guess is the next action on his part, whilst you were arguing would be more forceful restraint/violence towards you.

He may well think that this behaviour will be accepted in his his own home once you move there. Do you know if his father acts like this towards his mother cus he must have learnt that this behaviour is acceptable from someone.

Just, please don't hold back from involving your father because you feel embarressed for your partner. Part of his controlling you will rely on you not wanting to share what is happening with your family/friends and then moving you away from your circle of support where he can have total control.

Well done for standing up to him and please make sure you kick him out at the slightest sign because he may now feel even more threatened that he may lose you and lay into you worse next time cus he thinks he has nothing to lose.

I would like to think that this behaviour will not happen in his parents house as once before when his father thought OH had hit me, he went mad at OH. Also, I have told OH sister who I'm very close to what is going on - everything - the names, the hitting - everything. She tells me to leave him all the time so I know that if she suspects anything when we live there I will have her there to help me. I can see what you're saying about he must have learned this behaviour from somewhere - I do not beleive it to be his father....his half brother maybe? but he lives 400 miles away. I will have to look into that

Uniscots97

Staciep88 wrote: »

Yeah I thought he would cry but at the same time I actually thought he would leave - so I thought I wouldnt have to deal with it. I feel better now that I have stood up to him and warned him, so next time it happens he knows the deal, and then I wont spend the rest of life telling myself 'what if....' cuz I will know that I gave him that chance and he didnt prove himself. I dont care about that £1500 anymore either

I'm glad you've found some strength and I'm glad you don't care about the money anymore. Please don't feel embarassed for your OH by calling your Dad for help. Your OH isn't embarassed about how he makes you feel is he?

As I said before I've been where you are and at the time not much older than you. Believe me when I say his tears are crocodile tears. They're not real, its to make you feel sorry for him so you'll stay and he can be the 'big man' controlling you again. I think you know this though. Emotional abuse is sometimes worse than physical, bruises heal, emotional abuse takes years to overcome. Mine, well lets just say he called me worse than some of the stuff you've told us and I'm sure thats where you're OH is headed just to get his own way. I wouldn't be told about my then partner about how controlling and manipulative he was. Even now years later I find it hard to believe when someone gives me a compliment. Thats where I am even years down the line.

I gave my ex chance after chance, even when I thought he was being ok, looking back he wasn't. It was little things like when I went to meet him at a hotel he was staying at for a conference and I'd been nearby for a meeting and drove to meet him for dinner. I can see clearly exactly what I wore. A black, grey and red checked skirt that sat just above my knee (I don't do short skirts), thick black tights, mary jane black shoes, a thick black polo neck jumper and a long dark grey over coat. We met, we had a nice dinner and he seemed great with me, I chatted to some of his colleagues, he introduced me and then I drove home. I called him when I got home and do you know what he said?........"They thought you were a prostitute". Now utter carp as I'd met a lot of his colleagues before and they knew me but it was little things like that even though I'd been dressed conservatively made me dress down even more, no make up, think I was fat and needed to lose weight, change my hair and seek his approval on everything. ........ I wasn't me anymore.

In all he'd won, I'd gone, what made me......me! There was nothing wrong with what I wore that night or how I looked it was just another little dig he knew he could control me with and put me down and keep me where he wanted.....no needed me to be. People like him and your OH don't change. The poor girl that got involved with him after me went from being bright and bubbly, fashionable and stylish to grey in looks and manner. Like me she's become a shadow of her former self. It took me a lot to leave him, and when I finally got away do you know what he did? He wrote me a letter, a very nasty letter saying everything was my fault, what I was etc etc. I kept that letter, why? To remind me that there's people out there like that that need to control someone, put them down, keep them there and take the spark out of them that makes them who they are, because they can. Its not right. I look back on that letter and can laugh now how pathetic he was.

Only you can choose the path you're going to take, I think you know yourself you're going to leave him its just a matter of when. Be honest with yourself and please be totally honest with your parents, think of your feelings here not his.

p.s. Don't think leaving him will leave you on your own..... it won't. I went on bought my own place, the car I've always wanted, visited lots of nice places in the world and am now engaged to a wonderful man.

Staciep88

Oh, what a terrible experience! I'm glad you've came out the other side :-)

Being told you look like a prostitute (and act like one) - yeah been there and it hurt.

I was thinking (that night when he was sat in his car for 5 mins or so!) that no, I don't need him, I think that over time I have emotionally disconnected myself from him so once its over I'm not going to be sat at home crying wishing he was there, I'm going to be out - drinking myself silly probs with the mates that I have lost over the years.

When we move to his parents I am only taking the bare essentials (and I have told my mum that) so that when I need to go, I can just go.

I've have just sat here reading over my earlier posts and I have laughed to myself - and the reason - making excuses for him. My aunty was married to a man who beat her and guess what come of that - a son thats a waste of space - smokes drugs, doesnt work, steals and abuses his mother cuz thats what he has learnt

Uniscots97

Yes, I came through it but can you see why I and others want to help you? I saw you posted on another thread where the girl's boyfriend threw her phone in the river, your advice was get out before it gets any worse. Is your situation any different? No its probably not in fact its worse because its not your possessions he's destroying its you. Yes you have been making excuses for him but that understable, especially given what he's put you through. Trust me when I say you'll come out the other side wondering if any of its your fault, its not!

I know you think he won't keep up his behaviour at his parents, but believe me he will, it'll be done out of view. Either when no one else is in the room or you go to bed. It will happen. Been there with that one too! It'll be a whisper in your ear and you'll fight not to let it show on your face.

You're starting to see him for what he is, a bully and a dangerous one at that.

Staciep88

Yes I can see why others want to help, and like I said, I am glad that I posted this, and I am so gratful for all the advice as i have already started to be stronger and not put up with it so much. I added a comment on that girls post as I can see that she will be my position in 6 months time if she doesnt leave now. If he continues to hit and bully me at his parents I will not stand for it - I will scream the house down until some1 comes up and see's what he is doing - then I will leave. thanks again x

hocuspocus22

Can I just ask what is stopping you from telling your parents? xxx