A not so happy relationship

MrsTinks

Staciep88 wrote: »

He says I'll never find anyone else though, what if this is true? I dont want to be alone :-(

What a load of nonsense! Firstly if you want to find someone else you will. Secondly being alone for a while can be incredibly liberating I had a great time whilst I was single, I made loads of friends, had some fun and also realised being alone was nothing to be afraid of.
I only met my DH when I was oooo 24/25 so don't fret!

He's basically telling you you're worthless because if you think that then he's won. You'll never leave him if you think he's the best you can do...

But he's NOT the best you can do. And is this truly the man you want to one day have children with??? Seriously!?!

Steel_2

Still foxxy though......smile or not.

Found it!!

1-10-2008, 12:28 PM #33
Loretta
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Don't worry about all the horrible things he says about you. Anyone on here who has or had a husband or partners like yours and is going through the same experience can tell you a list of things they ALL say, hopeless mother, useless, fat, ugly, no one else will ever want you, you will be on your own for ever, you will not manage financially, the problem is yours not his, you will soon come crawling back, you are obviously going mad, he will go to court and get custody of the children, you will never see the children again, the children will hate you, family, friends will all hate you, everyone one knows what you are like, they are all talking about you, they are all on his side, everyone says they don't know why he stays with you - have I missed anything out? You will find that all these sort of people have a script and they all say exactly the same thing, don't think that any of what is being said to you is true because they all say exactly the same thing.

When I was a social worker, up until 1989, when I was dealing with domestic violence I used to write down and keep a note of what these partners/husband's said, their own particular comments. I worked there for 15 years and during this time I saw the 2nd, 3rd, 4th 5th etc wife or partner of the same man several times. One particular girl I was helping, and this was the first time my theory worked, told me that her husband would not let her out of the house on her own, this was when I realised that it was not just violence involved it was also about control, and he used to say that when she walked a few yards down the road to post a letter she was really going to wave down a lorry and have sex with the driver, obviously a complete stranger, and then post the letter and then go back home. All this would take about two and a half minutes!! this poor girl needed a new man like a hole in the head, the one she had probably put her off men for life. When she told me this I started laughing while I went through my notes looking for what I had written down about the previous 3 wives/partners and I was able to show her that he had said exactly the same thing to all the previous ones. She thought that she had given her man reason to say all this nonsense. We laughed ourselves silly for about 10 minutes and the descion was made for her without any more worrying about whether or not she was doing the right thing.

You are not the problem, you are not the cause of his behaviour, but he is the cause or your unhappiness and anxiety. You are not to blame and you are concerned, rightly so, about your children and the affect all this is having on them.

As has been said there must be some sort of welfare people in the forces you can speak to for practical advice for you with regards housing, money etc. Get some advice from them and some legal advice, make a plan so that you can pick the time and get organised

Good luck


Loretta

Staciep88

MrsTine wrote: »

What a load of nonsense! Firstly if you want to find someone else you will. Secondly being alone for a while can be incredibly liberating I had a great time whilst I was single, I made loads of friends, had some fun and also realised being alone was nothing to be afraid of.
I only met my DH when I was oooo 24/25 so don't fret!

He's basically telling you you're worthless because if you think that then he's won. You'll never leave him if you think he's the best you can do...

But he's NOT the best you can do. And is this truly the man you want to one day have children with??? Seriously!?!

Well I thought I wanted children with him, not now though.

xcat_girlx

£1500 is a small price to pay for what could ultimatley be your safety if things get really nasty.

these men will never ever change. they wear down your self esteem till you believe every word they tell you is true. you already know what he does and says is wrong, many women convince themselves its ok but your strong enough to come on here and post.

go home to your family and put all this down to a bad bad experience. your only 19, you WILL find somebody else. i had a crap time with my ex and as soon as he was gone and stopped messing me about i found someone who thinks the world of me, who i love more than anything and who im trying for a baby with.

my best friend was in a relationship like this and ended up with an eating disorder because of it. it took her a year to walk away from it but she's so much happier and healthier now. please dont make the same mistake.

((((((HUGS)))))

imfedup

All those things in the post are exactly what my ex said to me, word for word, it is about control. My partner now says that men like that are just cowards and bullies and he is right.

I still shake head to toe when I get a text of my ex but I have learned that he cannot hurt me anymore.

My ex says exactly the same things to his now girlfriend that he said to me I know cos she has told me and I just nod my head, I dont think she believes me and I know she believes that she can change him but you cant you have to face it that this man is bullying you and making you become withdrawn.

Please go and speak to your parents, tell them what is going on and ask them to help you get him out of their house. I am sure that once they know the whole story they will help you get out of this situation.

My mum said to me, if you feel the same about him 6 months from now as you think you feel about him now (love) then I will take you to him and will give you my blessing. Guess what - 6 months later she asked me and I said not in a million years. You need some space from him, time with your family and friends and then see how you feel.

xx

katiekittykat

Steel wrote: »

Do you know why he says things like that to you?

Because he's frightened you'll leave.

He's the one who couldn't really cope on is own. He thinks if you lose weight, you'll become even more attractive to other men and you might suddenly realise what a pr1ck he is and leave.

Somewhere on these forums is a fantastic post by someone who works as a counsellor and a lot of women tell her about the comments their horrible partners say to them and time and again they are the EXACT same comments designed to knock their confidence and make them feel dependent.

Does anyone know where that is?

I think (but can't be 100% sure) it was relating to an post by Witsend whose guy had told her she was too fat to be loved and various other things designed to get her to stay.

Excellent post thanks steel

xxxx

Staciep88

Steel: thank you for that. funny that, I have been acused of sleeping with loadsa people! and then I say to him, if im so fat, and so horrible how would I have persuaded them to sleep with me. and thinking about it, OH didnt know what to say back at that point

Jo_F

Staciep88 wrote: »

Wish I could but I have a few reasons for not doing that at the moment;
1) we live at my mum and dads second house so if anyones going it sure as hell aint going to be me
2) we work at the same place - therefore came together in his car so I couldnt get home anyway. xx

Tell your parents, and tell them now, if it's their house then they have every right to tell him to sling his hook. You need to tell them what's going on, and tell they everything, don;t hold back. They love you, and they know the real you, they will not judge you or think badly of you.

And then that way, you have the strength from them, to add to your own, get rid of this cowardly parasite, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you, don't let him drag you any further down. He's a bully and the only way a bully can big themselves up is to make others feel small.

You are better than he is, you are a million times the person that he is, get shut of him, I am sure your parents will help and support you with this. Make sure you report what he has been doing to the police, you need to have that on record just in case he is stupid enough to try anything else.

Maybe your parents can come and stay with you for the weekend. Change the locks, pack his stuff and put it outside in black bags, you don't have to even talk to him.

Good luck and stay strong, you can and will come through the other side.

xx

katiekittykat

MrsTine wrote: »

Steel I don't know the thread you're on about but yes that is often the problem and the cause of comments like that...
I'm not exactly skinny myself (although bulging in the right areas now added to by a babybump ) and I can assure you that getting male attention has never been a problem. My husband loves it when I get admiring glances if we're out. Some times he even hangs back so people don't think we're together and then gloat like mad when all the blokes suddenly realise I'm with him and there is a wedding ring on my finger... Bless him...
Many years ago I was in a relationship that wasn't abusive per say, but was mentally degrading me and the difference is like night and day. I went from being a quiet little mouse, not worthy of anyone's attention because that was what I'd been made to feel. Not worth anything. Then I found myself when we split and meeting my now husband made me blossom. I've changed so much, found courage to get a career that I should have earlier and it feels right... Having someone support you and be there for you when you need them and sometimes when you'd rather they weren't lol - it makes a huge difference even to someone like me who managed to get pretty independant on her own...
Obvious difference? Twice the salary I used to get and I no longer try and watch my weight like a hawk or go to WW etc (did briefly before the wedding out of vanity LOL) and instead of hiding in baggy clothes I'll get dolled up a bit and dress in something a little risky just because I like seeing my husband feel proud of me

If you don't feel like that then this guy is NOT the one

Aww what a lovely post - i have juicy eyes (i know i am a soft ar!e!!!)

Glad to hear something with a nice ending - thanks for sharing hun

xxxx

katiekittykat

Steel is right hun - you are one hell of a foxxy lady

xxx