A not so happy relationship

Staciep88

I wanna say yes I will leave - and at the minute I feel confident that I could do it, but I worry that I will crumble when it comes to it as we would be on our own and the horrible comments will come out again, but I dont want to make some1 be there at the time so that they have to witness it...

Jo_R_2

It's funny you know, you think at times like this that you can't cope without that person. Yet, when it comes to the crunch, you just do cope

My ex is father to my two very young DDs and even though he was out most of the time drinking and socialising and spending our money and I was pretty much doing everything on my own, working nearly full-time and caring for the girls, somehow I *still* thought I couldn't manage without him! I'm not sure what exactly I lost out on except not having the daily "discussions"/agruments/hurtful words... I swear although it's hard and not nice at all, as someone else has said there is a certain sense of peace you get from actually making and then carrying out the decision to leave that person you are in a destructive relationship with, afterwards.

I am still paying off a loan I took out in my name for his debts which he has never given me a penny for, and although it often feels like a burden and I do feel a little bitter about, I see it as a small price, it served it's purpose at the time and it won't be forever, and because of me making that decision, me and my girls have moved on.

You have to decide what's right for you but never believe you can't manage without him. I absolutely guarantee you can.

debsthe1

You know it would be good to have someone there with you to witness any nasty comments - sometimes we all forget just how nasty others can be towards us .. So the other person can reassure and remind in the future that you did the best thing by leaving!

By the way - well done on the weight loss. Keep on going there girl!! :-)

budget_budd

Only you know whats right for you to do, but NEVER think you are not strong enough, you are. If you need someone with you have someone, maybe your parents? Someone that you have told the situation to would be good.
Those horrible words he spouts are more of an excuse to go and not to stay. Never stop believeing (sp) in yourself.

Jo_R_2

Also to add I worried what other people would think, family, friends.... You know what - it turned out once I asked him to leave, my sister told me her and my brother-in-law had disliked him for how he had been for a long time and never wanted to say anything because they thought I was happy.... And she told me that my parents felt the same only rather stronger that he had completely taken advantage of my good nature.

What I'm saying is please don't worry what others will think There's a phrase something like, the people who matter don't mind, and just to use that in this context, do you think your parents would actually prefer you to stay, if you wanted to leave, so you could get that money back for them?...

Staciep88

debsthe1 wrote: »

You know it would be good to have someone there with you to witness any nasty comments - sometimes we all forget just how nasty others can be towards us .. So the other person can reassure and remind in the future that you did the best thing by leaving!

By the way - well done on the weight loss. Keep on going there girl!! :-)

thank you very much thats another thing actually - I got on the scales this morning and he looked over my shoulder and said ' I thought you'd be alot light than that by now' I've lost 13 llbs in 3 weeks, I didnt know I could loose it any quicker?!

Staciep88

Jo_R wrote: »

Also to add I worried what other people would think, family, friends.... You know what - it turned out once I asked him to leave, my sister told me her and my brother-in-law had disliked him for how he had been for a long time and never wanted to say anything because they thought I was happy.... And she told me that my parents felt the same only rather stronger that he had completely taken advantage of my good nature.

What I'm saying is please don't worry what others will think There's a phrase something like, the people who matter don't mind, and just to use that in this context, do you think your parents would actually prefer you to stay, if you wanted to leave, so you could get that money back for them?...

Thats a useful saying, thank you. No my sister, mum and dad openingly tells me how i could do better and he's a waster i just need to think that myself

r.mac_2

I really feel for your situation. Like another poster said you don't sound 'ready' to leave him. You, and only you, can make that decision. (Although if it were me I'd be out the door....but that's beside the point)

so, focus on what you can do to prepare to leave or just in case you decide to leave. Get as much of the debt transferred back into your OH's name. Tell him the 0% deal is up and get him a card with as low a % interest as possible and get it out of your name asap.

Open an account of your own he can't touch/know about and squirrel away anything you can as your own savings pot.

Good luck x

MrsTinks

Staciep88 wrote: »

I know thats how I should be thinking...but I'm not. I keep thinking that it will go back to how it used to be. You know, I fought so hard to get that bloke as my boyfriend. We were meant to be starting a family next year, Funny how everything goes wrong! People can change cant they?

He always tells me I need to go to anger management for my shouting, maybe if I did he wouldnt get so mad at me?

NO NO NO NO

People like that DON'T change. And shouting is NOT the same as hitting so stop thinking any of this is your fault because it's not!

£1500... ok that'll hurt a bit but the amount of times I've had someone crash on my sofa, borderline needing serious medical help because "it was her own fault she shouldn't have upset him, she knows better" and then the day or week later she'd go back because he'd promise that he'd never do it again etc etc etc... and a few months later she'd be back on my sofa... a new black eye and bruises.

If the flat is in joint names then you get a restraining order on him to prevent him going in the flat. If it's in his name then you pack your bags whilst he's out and MOVE!

If need be then you can try and get some of the money back from him in small claims court, but please don't be the next one with a black eye and a broken arm in A&E...

JC-P

I can only mirror what everyone else has said. I would get out for the sake of £1500 and put it down to experience. Also I'm sure your family would agree in respect of their money.

It really doesn't sound like the sort of relationship that you should bring a child into but I'm not sure you sound like you're going to leave.

You're young enough to start again, please don't throw your life away.