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    • MSE Sarah
    • By MSE Sarah 5th Nov 19, 4:42 PM
    • 214Posts
    • 96Thanks
    MSE Sarah
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should my parents have a say in our wedding plans if they're paying?
    • #1
    • 5th Nov 19, 4:42 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should my parents have a say in our wedding plans if they're paying? 5th Nov 19 at 4:42 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    I'm getting married this year and my parents have given us a big chunk of money to spend on the wedding. They're now insisting on having certain things I wouldn't otherwise choose to have on the day. As it's their money, do I have to agree?

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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Page 1
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 5th Nov 19, 4:43 PM
    • 5,925 Posts
    • 13,706 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    • #2
    • 5th Nov 19, 4:43 PM
    • #2
    • 5th Nov 19, 4:43 PM
    It's your wedding, do it how you like. If your parents don't like it, do it without their money.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek. Home is where my books are.

    5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.
    • Marvel1
    • By Marvel1 5th Nov 19, 4:48 PM
    • 4,525 Posts
    • 5,095 Thanks
    Marvel1
    • #3
    • 5th Nov 19, 4:48 PM
    • #3
    • 5th Nov 19, 4:48 PM
    No, give the money back if they feel that way.
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 5th Nov 19, 4:49 PM
    • 5,235 Posts
    • 7,332 Thanks
    74jax
    • #4
    • 5th Nov 19, 4:49 PM
    • #4
    • 5th Nov 19, 4:49 PM
    It's your wedding, do it how you like. If your parents don't like it, do it without their money.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99
    Completely agree.

    If they gave you it for the wedding without stipulations then do what you like with it. If they gave you it saying can you use 1k for xyz photographer and you want to use abc photographer, give them the 1k back and pay for what you want.

    Your day, pay for it to be how you want.
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 5th Nov 19, 4:54 PM
    • 10,333 Posts
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    DigForVictory
    • #5
    • 5th Nov 19, 4:54 PM
    • #5
    • 5th Nov 19, 4:54 PM
    Golden Rule - whoever provides the gold, sets the rules. If you don't like what they're planing, return the money.

    (Or cooperate gracefully, given them their money's worth in full & then do what you want after.)
    • Owain Moneysaver
    • By Owain Moneysaver 5th Nov 19, 5:03 PM
    • 10,249 Posts
    • 13,031 Thanks
    Owain Moneysaver
    • #6
    • 5th Nov 19, 5:03 PM
    • #6
    • 5th Nov 19, 5:03 PM
    What sort of things are they asking for?

    If it's dancing elephants I think you're entitled to exercise a veto, and remind them that a gift comes without conditions.

    If it's pink monogrammed napkins or a karaoke for Aunty Madge, humour them.
    A kind word lasts a minute, a skelped erse is sair for a day.
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 5th Nov 19, 5:04 PM
    • 1,337 Posts
    • 2,649 Thanks
    onwards&upwards
    • #7
    • 5th Nov 19, 5:04 PM
    • #7
    • 5th Nov 19, 5:04 PM
    Ask them outright if the money is a gift or if it’s their way of influencing the wedding.

    Decide on what you want to do based on their answer.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 5th Nov 19, 6:22 PM
    • 23,877 Posts
    • 64,279 Thanks
    Pollycat
    • #8
    • 5th Nov 19, 6:22 PM
    • #8
    • 5th Nov 19, 6:22 PM
    Didn't you and your husband-to-be and your parents discuss this 'big chunk of money' beforehand?
    Oh dear.
    • kazwookie
    • By kazwookie 5th Nov 19, 6:25 PM
    • 11,069 Posts
    • 131,106 Thanks
    kazwookie
    • #9
    • 5th Nov 19, 6:25 PM
    • #9
    • 5th Nov 19, 6:25 PM
    Send the money back, thanking them, and then pay for what you want.
    Sun, Sea

    • tealady
    • By tealady 5th Nov 19, 6:41 PM
    • 3,186 Posts
    • 4,195 Thanks
    tealady
    He who pays the piper, calls the tune.
    Hand the money back and you can pay to have exactly what you want.
    Proud to be an MSE nerd
    Judge people by their achievements, not by their mistakes
    • Claddagh_Noir
    • By Claddagh_Noir 5th Nov 19, 7:12 PM
    • 88 Posts
    • 135 Thanks
    Claddagh_Noir
    For the love that is all sacred and pure, do not accept their money. You will both be putting a rod on your own backs when it comes to how many grandchildren they will expect (if you want children that is) and they will think they will have the right to tell you how to raise them.

    They will also probably think they have carte blanche on dictating on your marriage and home life because they will throw it in your face that if wasn't for their contribution you wouldn't be married.

    This will be a recipe for disaster!
    • maman
    • By maman 5th Nov 19, 7:13 PM
    • 20,901 Posts
    • 123,944 Thanks
    maman
    We'll never know what OP thinks or decides so a pointless thread IMO.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 5th Nov 19, 7:54 PM
    • 23,877 Posts
    • 64,279 Thanks
    Pollycat
    He who pays the piper, calls the tune.
    Hand the money back and you can pay to have exactly what you want.
    Originally posted by tealady
    Love it!
    We'll never know what OP thinks or decides so a pointless thread IMO.
    Originally posted by maman
    No different to any other MMD...
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 5th Nov 19, 9:14 PM
    • 5,925 Posts
    • 13,706 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    No different to any other MMD...
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Just occasionally the person asking the question by email will register and reply to the thread, which as a poster of long standing you should recall has happened in the past. If they're not too put off by all the people complaining that MMDs are silly / made up etc etc.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek. Home is where my books are.

    5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.
    • gremmy1
    • By gremmy1 5th Nov 19, 9:53 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    gremmy1
    No
    Gifts of money (or anything for that matter) shouldnít come with an ultimatum. If they are gifting the money it doesnít automatically give them the right to then control you. If you really need the money and still want them to be involved then give them a responsibility to organise a part of the wedding YOU want (doesnít have to be a big part) then they will still feel like that have some control but it will be on your terms. Good luck! And congrats 🥳
    • Ugi
    • By Ugi 5th Nov 19, 10:02 PM
    • 3,717 Posts
    • 3,864 Thanks
    Ugi
    There are so many shades of grey in this.

    If you couldn't afford a wedding otherwise then maybe you have to put up with it or wait until you can afford it on your own.

    Then again, if the money is entirely for things you don't want anyway then clearly you would be better off without.

    I imagine the reality is somewhere in-between and clearly that means you need to decide how strongly you object to what they are wanting. If it's something fundamental, like they want you married in church and you don't believe in that type of thing then it's clearly not going to work. On the other hand, if they want Bolli' and you prefer Tattinger, will it really matter?

    I only have experience of getting married the one time but from that limited experience I found that the range between "everyone has a good time" and "perfection" is absolutely huge and anywhere in that zone will be fine if you let it be. There were so many things about our wedding that were not perfect and yet we had a really happy day and everyone had a great time.

    Decide:
    what you must have,
    what you would like,
    what you can live with and
    what you can't abide

    Now see how your options stack up. If dropping one item from "would like" to "can live with" to humour your parents gives you the budget to promote three others then it might be worth it.

    The one other thing I would say is that if you do compromise on some things, it would be a good idea to clarify that this is where those compromises start and end. If they want anything else then they need to speak now or ... well, I guess you know how that bit goes!

    Ugi
    MSE "bonus" so far (since Oct '09): Cashback £450+, GIOLing - £8K & counting
    With any luck, we won't be needing luck!
    • corconx
    • By corconx 5th Nov 19, 10:04 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    corconx
    We paid for both daughters
    We just gave our daughters the money for their wedding saying spend it how you want, tell us where it is, and what time but think carefully itís money you can use as a deposit. So spend it on the wedding YOU want. Iíve had mine. Itís your day. Should be what you want.

    cx

    Best of luck
    • Clueless969
    • By Clueless969 5th Nov 19, 10:05 PM
    • 45 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    Clueless969
    Personally, I am all for give and take with the caveat that one side does not do all the giving and the other side all the taking.


    Whilst this is your wedding, I feel that you have a moral obligation to involve your parents. I assume that you actually love them and want them there??


    I would also guess that there are things that you want/plan to do for your wedding that they do not approve of but, as you have not mentioned it, I am guessing they have not shared that aspect with you?


    They are your parents and they are, I would anticipate, heavily invested in you and your happiness and not just financially. Cut them some slack and do not appear to treat them just like the Bank of Mum & Dad because that way resentment lies and I cannot imagine that you would want that??
    • Clueless969
    • By Clueless969 5th Nov 19, 10:22 PM
    • 45 Posts
    • 51 Thanks
    Clueless969
    The original question aside, many of the responses so far just make me laugh.

    No one has thought to ask why the soon to be married couple accepted the "Big Chunk of Money" in the first place.

    If it is because they want rather than need the money to have a posh rather than "ordinary" wedding, then I think they have their priorities where the sun just does not shine and should politely give the money back.

    If however they need the money rather than want the money so they can have any wedding celebration at all, then I am guessing the parents have offered that "Big Chunk of Money" to facilitate that.

    If it is the latter reason, then you should be gracious and come to an amicable agreement. As I suggested in my earlier post resentment will come if one party does all the giving and the other does all the taking.
    • pjran
    • By pjran 5th Nov 19, 10:31 PM
    • 1,197 Posts
    • 12,618 Thanks
    pjran
    Iím sure you willing accepted their money so maybe you should accept their wishes but only if their contribution covers these expenses. Hopefully both sets of parents are contributing.

    Enjoy your day with your parents love and company.
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