Money Moral Dilemma: Should my parents have a say in our wedding plans if they're paying?

Tiptaker

I've had 2 weddings (to different husbands!): the first my parents organised the reception totally without even telling us the menu which turned out being things that my husband couldn't eat (my parents weren't aware of his allergies), and a cake which I hated the design of. They paid for it all. My second wedding was planned and paid for by ourselves. My parents, who by then were in their 80s, attended but played no part in it. I always resented the fact that my special day had been hijacked by my parents, so I say for future peace of mind it's better to decline the financial help if it includes strings, even if the eventual event isn't so prestigious you will have better memories from a cheap diy wedding done your way than from a plush affair not to your taste.

Wiseperson

Having been through this Dilemma ourselves, I think it is a question of whether you wish to get on with your parents in future? Remember a wedding is 1 day, a relationship is for life.


Whilst doing what you want is your right, it is a big day for them as well. They may not wish to be embarrassed in front of their siblings/family. If anything is really difficult for you, you can negotiate. Show them how you feel, talking is good. Also if it is like ours, it goes in a flash.



Have a wonderful day and a happy life together.

silvercar

When I married in the mid 80s, my parents paid and arranged the whole wedding. I was happy for them to do so. I didn't see the invitations before they were sent and didn't know the menu until the day. I didn't mind.

Now my son has just got engaged and his future in-laws don't seem to be involved at all and the couple want to make the wedding themselves.

Somewhere in the middle I've lost out.

As for finances, the future in-laws have offered a no strings sum to help the couple out and we have said we will match it to keep things equitable.

When I offered to pay some more because our family (that we are close to) is larger and also my husband and I have a circle of friends I would like to include, we were told we couldn't because they want to keep the numbers down.

we're all still smiling.

Kedge39

When we got married in 1973 my mother in law very kindly cancelled our honeymoon, withou telling us. When I rang the travel agent 3 weeks before the wedding as I wondered where our tickets were, they informed me that a lady had rung in the previous December (wedding was in March) to cancel it. She had used my surname, so the agent assumed it was my wife who rang.
I explained the situation and although they couldn't re-instate the original booking they managed to arrange a replacement at the same resort but a slightly better hotel and they paid the difference.
Mother in law's explanation when we tackled her on it, was " I am paying for the wedding. Your honeymoon meant you would leave the reception at 8pm and I want you here until the reception ends."
She didn't bother to tell us because we hadn't discussed it with her in advance.

No apology, no regrets, nothing.
Still, we had a good honeymoon in the end, and are still married.

I think she was wrong. I can understand her feelings, but she should have discussed it with us before taking action. We had told her at the time of booking what the holiday was, when the flights were, so we could have compromised had she been willing to talk, but she just stuck by her attitude of "I'm paying so you fit in with me"

So my advice is, talk about it and be prepared to give a little.

NRTurner

My parents gave us most of the money for our wedding, but were upfront about the conditions - mainly that we got married in their home town. My wife and I discussed this and decided it was reasonable, so we accepted the money. Once we made that concession, then (on the whole) they backed off and let us plan it how we wanted. We did have a really petty argument about having tea lights on the tables but eventually we won! We would not have been able to afford the wedding that we wanted without their help.


I think communication is key here. If a parent is offering to pay, but is making demands, discuss with your partner and only accept if you think you can reach a compromise. If not, and you think that the parent is going too far and wants changes that you dislike, politely refuse the money.

jegs

From my own very recent experience, it would appear that couples want a 'traditional wedding' in only one sense and that is that the Father of the Bride is expected to foot the bill without any regard to the actual final cost.
Wedding etiquette demands that it is the Parents of the Bride who invite the guests (after consultation with the couple getting married) and it is the Parents who are instrumental in the selection of the venue, the food, the drink and any entertainment . The Bride and the Bride's Mother select the Wedding Dress and those of the attending Bridesmaids. If the Invitations to the wedding do not state that the Parents of the Bride are inviting the guests, then do the Parents receive an invite themselves ? If the Parents do receive an invite from the couple, why should they be expected to sponsor something for which they have no input ? Whilst the Bride and Groom are the most important people at the wedding, it is often overlooked that it is also an important day for both sets of Parents.
One only has to look at the shape that 'Stag Parties and Hen Parties' have now taken (Going abroad for a drink-fuelled week) to realise just how much things have changed. It appears that the meaning and solemnity of the occasion has now been far overtaken, by the shallow glitz and bling society that now envelops most similar events. During the wedding ceremony, solemn vows are exchanged........How can this be earnestly done, when jumping out of an aeroplane whilst skydiving, whilst deep beneath the sea in a diving suit, dressed as clowns whilst riding a ferris-wheel or similar, as has often been reported ?
If couples wish to do these things to celebrate or mark their "Special Day", I don't have a problem with that at all. All I ask is that they refrain from suggesting that their's is going to be a "traditional wedding" and expecting anyone else to sponsor their eccentricities and extravagrances.
Having said all that, I do firmly believe in the solemnity of the wedding ceremony and the sanctity of marriage and as the wording of the "traditional marriage" ceremony states, "It should not entered into lightly" !

Scrapit

Your wedding, your way.

k-k-k-katy

Why are your parents contributing to the cost of your wedding? Do you think it's because they want to impose their wishes on you, or are being helpful, perhaps because they love you? The answer should influence your decision. I didn't have help with the cost of my wedding, but still considered the wishes and needs of others. A wedding is not an excuse for the bride to be selfish and self-indulgent, but if that's what they want, they should at least have the decency to pay for it themselves.

OliviaNB

Our parents (both sets) paid for our entire wedding last year, and while they didn't micromanage, I felt it was only reasonable if they wanted second cousin Bob to be invited, or for our (professionally trained) family friend to sing some jazz during the drinks reception, that agreeing was only fair as they were paying thousands towards our day (which they really didn't need to, we both have good careers). The only thing I really pushed back on was inviting people I hadn't met in the last 10 years, but that only came up for one person.

There were benefits as well - like they insisted we should have no evening guests but invite everyone for the whole day, which we agreed to if they would fund it - and obviously everyone benefited from that!

On the other hand, if they had been nightmare micromanagers who wanted their say on EVERYTHING, I think you have to hand back the money and do it your own way. What is definitely not right is taking all their money then refusing to let them have any say at all - that is extremely entitled.

This of course depends on if they have given say £500 towards a £15,000 wedding, in which case it is a token gift, or are paying for 50%+ of the whole event.

pickledonionspaceraider

Give them their money back and elope.

Honestly, having a wedding, whomever pays, you cannot please everyone

Even if you pay for everything yourself, other people will make demands and have expectations and trying to please everyone (whilst not pleasing yourself) can ruin the wedding planning stage, which is meant to me magical

If I were getting married again, I would just elope