Money Moral Dilemma: Should my parents have a say in our wedding plans if they're paying?

ska_lover

rjsdavis wrote: »

Given that they most likely need the money, the majority of posts here that simply crow "give it back, and do it your way" are pretty laughable. Needs must.

Needs must? Well I guess if you want an expensive day, however it is not a requirement to spend thousands of pounds on a big do. Having an expensive wedding day does not equate to a good long lasting marriage

Otherwise do what many do these days, and have what you can afford or save for it

I am with the 'give it back' camp.

It is your day OP. Don't be emotionally and financially bribed over this as you will regret it and hold yourself to account for it years later, when you realise that the big flash day is not what a marriage is all about at all!

Pollycat

ska_lover wrote: »

Needs must? Well I guess if you want an expensive day, however it is not a requirement to spend thousands of pounds on a big do. Having an expensive wedding day does not equate to a good long lasting marriage

Otherwise do what many do these days, and have what you can afford or save for it

I am with the 'give it back' camp.

It is your day OP. Don't be emotionally and financially bribed over this as you will regret it and hold yourself to account for it years later, when you realise that the big flash day is not what a marriage is all about at all!

I agree with this ^^^^.
Nobody 'needs' a wedding in a fancy venue with a dress costing £thousands, 10 bridesmaids, a photo booth and all the other dross that some people now appear to think necessary to the start of a marriage.

silvercar

ska_lover wrote: »

They can have a contribution, if they do it your way.

I think a therapist would have a field day with your post if I am honest

1- Your adult children are not an extension of you

2 - Very unhealthy to live vicariously through them

3 - You should not emotionally or financially blackmail them to make choices that you want them to make

4 - You should not ignore their best needs and interests in order to override them with your own

5 - Threaten to withdraw money or financial support, because they are making a (healthy) decision about their own future happiness

I hope they do whatever makes them happy in life instead of being the vessel for you to fill.

Unfair. If the parents want to offer to pay for a wedding in this country why can't they? The young couple can then decide whether to accept or not. They can choose to pay for their own wedding in the Maldives or have their parents pay for a wedding near home. Provided it is offered as a choice not a bribe, it isn't unreasonable.

pickledonionspaceraider

silvercar wrote: »

Unfair. If the parents want to offer to pay for a wedding in this country why can't they? The young couple can then decide whether to accept or not. They can choose to pay for their own wedding in the Maldives or have their parents pay for a wedding near home. Provided it is offered as a choice not a bribe, it isn't unreasonable.

I think it comes across as a bit of a manipulation if I am honest - to make such a generous offer, but with strings attached

It is like the parents offering the money for a deposit for a house, with the stipulation that they get to chose the house

Rowmum1

You don’t mention whether the other parents have offered to help financially or how large a wedding you’re planning . If you think you would be satisfied with a smaller wedding or you could do some things yourself - give the money back . My daughter recently married and due to a ridiculous issue the grooms ‘stepmother’ pulled her family out leaving us to fund the wedding . However my daughter and I set to and did most things ourselves ( wedding flowers, invites, table settings etc) saving a fortune but still having a wonderful day . It is possible .

Oldangrumpy

Weddings are about family. the one you belong to and the new one you are forming with your partner.
Sounds like you think you know what you want on the day and sounds like you parents know what they would like to be part of.
Why not take them out somewhere and sit with them to discuss every-ones ideas, wishes and hopes for the day. Look for common ground and hope adjustments can be made on both sides. A win/win situation is required for all to be happy.
If this isn't going to happen, I suggest go your own way with a smile and fund what you can afford.

Marvel1

silvercar wrote: »

Unfair. If the parents want to offer to pay for a wedding in this country why can't they? The young couple can then decide whether to accept or not. They can choose to pay for their own wedding in the Maldives or have their parents pay for a wedding near home. Provided it is offered as a choice not a bribe, it isn't unreasonable.

Sounds like a bribe to me.

hairypitz

I’m absolutely baffled why people want to get married in this day and age unless they’re particularly religious. Wanting to honour someone or even worse obey them, I really cannot fathom it. Then there’s rings, getting called Mrs Husbands Name, like you’re a belonging. A big white dress, meant to symbolise virginity or purity, why would it be anyone’s dream? I also can’t think of much worse than a terrible disco, mass catering, all my relatives and too much alcohol in a one day only potent combination. Or receiving toasters. Or begging for money to go on a holiday to get over the stress of spending 2 years planning mass catering for all the relatives with too much booze and bad disco music.
Am I missing something in finding someone I’m so far enjoying spending my life with, having holidays as and when we want and generally getting along with it without making vows of undying love that are often broken when it doesn’t work out?
Am I the weird one?
Why do people want to get Neil Ed in this wedding malarkey?

[Deleted User]

hairypitz wrote: »

I’m absolutely baffled why people want to get married in this day and age unless they’re particularly religious. Wanting to honour someone or even worse obey them, I really cannot fathom it. Then there’s rings, getting called Mrs Husbands Name, like you’re a belonging. A big white dress, meant to symbolise virginity or purity, why would it be anyone’s dream? I also can’t think of much worse than a terrible disco, mass catering, all my relatives and too much alcohol in a one day only potent combination. Or receiving toasters. Or begging for money to go on a holiday to get over the stress of spending 2 years planning mass catering for all the relatives with too much booze and bad disco music.
Am I missing something in finding someone I’m so far enjoying spending my life with, having holidays as and when we want and generally getting along with it without making vows of undying love that are often broken when it doesn’t work out?
Am I the weird one?
Why do people want to get Neil Ed in this wedding malarkey?

There are no rules saying you have to get married in a white dress or use the vows with the bits about obeying. Women don't need to change their name and neither party has to wear a ring if they don't want to. You could have a quick registry office with just the two of you and a couple of witnesses if you want or you could choose to have a Gone with the Wind themed wedding, anything goes really. The wedding can have bog all to do with religion is that's what the happy couple choose.

Besides a wedding and a marriage are two different things. Marriage is a legally binding contact that comes with rights and protections that co-habiting couples do not have. If you're not bothered about those rights and protections then don't get married. If you do want them they get married and have the wedding you choose.

Pollycat

Lover_of_Lycra wrote: »

There are no rules saying you have to get married in a white dress or use the vows with the bits about obeying. Women don't need to change their name and neither party has to wear a ring if they don't want to. You could have a quick registry office with just the two of you and a couple of witnesses if you want or you could choose to have a Gone with the Wind themed wedding, anything goes really. The wedding can have bog all to do with religion is that's what the happy couple choose.

Besides a wedding and a marriage are two different things. Marriage is a legally binding contact that comes with rights and protections that co-habiting couples do not have. If you're not bothered about those rights and protections then don't get married. If you do want them they get married and have the wedding you choose.

I agree with this ^^^^.
I don't think hairypitz understands weddings.
I got married (twice) in a Register Office and certainly didn't have any of the stuff (apart from rings) mentioned.
I wouldn't go so far as to agree he/she is 'the weird one' but definitely not clued up about getting married.