Money Moral Dilemma: Should my parents have a say in our wedding plans if they're paying?

LameWolf

Without knowing what it is the parents are insisting on, it's hard to make a call; is it something like the parents want a sit-down meal and the bride & groom want a buffet?

Or is it something rather more difficult to overcome, like the parents want a church wedding and the bride & groom want registry office?

Need more information.

happyinflorida

The question doesn't give a clue as to whether you are the bride or groom

or whether you have ideas for your wedding that are being refused

Try talking to the parents to see if you can get your ideas put in practice



and if no go, then decide whether you want a wedding that you have no real input into or would prefer a wedding that is totally controlled by you

The first time I was getting married, my parents said they would pay - the only thing I was allowed to choose was my wedding dress and that was because they told me I was paying for it!


My mother decided on the colour scheme, flowers, car, venue, food, who was being invited - we really argued over one person who I hated and she insisted had to be there, even though this person had treated me abysmally as a child.

I kept asking for things and my mother would totally ignore my requests and just do what she wanted.

The wedding never went ahead.

Years later when I fell in love with the right person I decided not to invite my parents, we paid for everything.

It was all a nightmare to organise by myself, not one single person I knew offered to help in any way - even though I was doing all the catering!

If I had my time again, I'd have a very small do with just close friends and no relatives!!

I never regretted not inviting my parents.

So do what you want.

JayD

NO!


It's YOUR special day - not theirs!


If they insist on conditions re their contribution then I suggest that you save up and pay for it how you want it yourselves.


However, maybe a conversation with them about how much their day meant to them and how important their personal choices were might persuade them to remove their selfish conditions.


If not then you must pay yourselves and have the freedom to enjoy it as you wish.


Congratulations and I wish you both a long and happy marriage

tealady

I had the wedding my parents wanted as they paid for it.
If I should ever remarry then that will be when Hell has been found to exist and it has frozen over.

alst68

How can it be your wedding when the parents are trying to have it the way they want it? Thank them for the money and explain it is you and your future partner's wedding and this will be a once in a lifetime event. Let them have a say, doesn't mean you have to take their advice. If they are still not happy give the cash back and go to the registry office and save money for a good honeymoon.

rjsdavis

It seems pretty obvious that the person asking the question needs the money to make the day work. They wouldn't be asking otherwise - they'd simply have returned it already.

Given that they most likely need the money, the majority of posts here that simply crow "give it back, and do it your way" are pretty laughable. Needs must.

If you're not in a position to fund it yourselves, the OP is pretty stuffed. Sure, take the moral high ground - hand it back, do it your way, and possibly not have a wedding at all, or possibly only have a small civil ceremony in a Registry Office or similar...

If you are in a position to fund it yourself - why are you even asking the question?

NeilOHiggins

Your question lacks lots of details, on the surface the majority of replies seem to fit the criteria for your outrage!


We dont know your family dynamic, we dont know your financial situation, we dont know what your parents are requesting.


If this is an issue for you, perhaps you should consider the feelings of your parents instead of trying to let strangers have a say on a commitment for life.


In other words, stop being a little princess and grow up.
Hope your day goes well :beer:

Pollycat

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Just occasionally the person asking the question by email will register and reply to the thread, which as a poster of long standing you should recall has happened in the past. If they're not too put off by all the people complaining that MMDs are silly / made up etc etc.

Indeed, yes.
In fact the last time that happened - after almost universal advice to go back to the best man and ask questions - it turned that the originator of the MMD had indeed done just that. Several times.
So - imho - a waste of posters time.
I don't actually get why people send in MMDs that are condensed beyond belief by MSE staff instead of registering and posting the full story.
What help do you really think the author of this MMD is getting from the 2 lines posted?
It just throws up more questions than answers.

seren77 wrote: »

Your question is couched in terms to make it sound like they're being unreasonable and you're hard done by, so basically we don't know what their terrible demands are. If you don't want the 'big chunk of money' don't take it.

That will be MSE's take on it.

[Deleted User]

MSE_Sarah wrote: »

I'm getting married this year and my parents have given us a big chunk of money to spend on the wedding. They're now insisting on having certain things I wouldn't otherwise choose to have on the day. As it's their money, do I have to agree?

As someone whose parents put the childhood home up for sale and then brought me, somewhere smaller - at their choosing and doing so much so that employment options weren't seriously ever looked into and my parents had never been leasehold, they just turned up one day saying what they decided to do. But hey ho, and that's £160,000 odd later. The thought of tenants in my place didn't appeal so I couldn't keep up the disapproving for long.

You don't say if you are male or female? If female, isn't the tradition, parents pay. Your parents didn't decide their liability ended at 18 yrs they would like a few things done, what really is the problem? Spare a thought for people who don't get to have their parents around at such occasions.

ska_lover

madaboutsaving wrote: »

I am ready to contribute a significant proportion of the cost of a wedding for both my son and my daughter but, if either of them decides that a beach wedding in the Maldives is what they want, then they will be paying for it themselves!! If they are happy with a more traditional wedding near home with a lovely honeymoon on the beach in the Maldives then I am sure that bank of mum and dad will be open for a large proportion of the cost. .

They can have a contribution, if they do it your way.

I think a therapist would have a field day with your post if I am honest

1- Your adult children are not an extension of you

2 - Very unhealthy to live vicariously through them

3 - You should not emotionally or financially blackmail them to make choices that you want them to make

4 - You should not ignore their best needs and interests in order to override them with your own

5 - Threaten to withdraw money or financial support, because they are making a (healthy) decision about their own future happiness

I hope they do whatever makes them happy in life instead of being the vessel for you to fill.