Money Moral Dilemma: Should my parents have a say in our wedding plans if they're paying?

sclare

There's no one answer here, of course. If your parents are paying a lot then I think they're at least entitled to some say in the guest list. I read a thread on mumsnet where the parents gave a massive chunk of money, which the bride and groom spent on their honeymoon, and then refused to invite their siblings' spouses to the wedding "to save money". The parents protested, but the bride and groom wouldn't budge. That's entirely unfair.

But interfering in everything or about trivia, no.
I avoided getting embroiled in this by paying for specific things for my daughter's wedding.

madaboutsaving

As a parent with two children likely to marry sometime in the next decade this is a situation that I am likely to have to consider.

Many years ago my husband and I set out to pay for everything associated with our wedding ourselves but, given that it was an important occasion for both our families, we arranged a wonderful day that included some invitees who were our parents’ friends who would not have been on the guest list of an ordinary party. The compromise cost us very little extra but meant a great deal to our parents and their enjoyment of the occasion. We returned from our honeymoon to find that my lovely new mother-in-law had paid the bill for our reception and we were eternally grateful that we had not quibbled about inviting some of her friends and distant relatives as she would have made this amazing gesture even if we had.

Whilst a wedding is the principally the bride and groom’s day, if their relationship with each of their families is sufficiently close that the parents are making a significant contribution (probably in time and money) to the celebration, then surely the couple should, like us, be considerate of their parents’ wishes provided they are not unreasonable. I am ready to contribute a significant proportion of the cost of a wedding for both my son and my daughter but, if either of them decides that a beach wedding in the Maldives is what they want, then they will be paying for it themselves!! If they are happy with a more traditional wedding near home with a lovely honeymoon on the beach in the Maldives then I am sure that bank of mum and dad will be open for a large proportion of the cost. Most weddings these days will cost many years of savings and I am flabbergasted that anyone should consider that a little compromise for a large financial contribution made by parents is not warranted. Surely it should not be so difficult to arrange a wonderful day that all can enjoy.

penarthian

Ugi wrote: »

There are so many shades of grey in this.

If you couldn't afford a wedding otherwise then maybe you have to put up with it or wait until you can afford it on your own.

Then again, if the money is entirely for things you don't want anyway then clearly you would be better off without.

I imagine the reality is somewhere in-between and clearly that means you need to decide how strongly you object to what they are wanting. If it's something fundamental, like they want you married in church and you don't believe in that type of thing then it's clearly not going to work. On the other hand, if they want Bolli' and you prefer Tattinger, will it really matter?

I only have experience of getting married the one time but from that limited experience I found that the range between "everyone has a good time" and "perfection" is absolutely huge and anywhere in that zone will be fine if you let it be. There were so many things about our wedding that were not perfect and yet we had a really happy day and everyone had a great time.

Decide:
what you must have,
what you would like,
what you can live with and
what you can't abide

Now see how your options stack up. If dropping one item from "would like" to "can live with" to humour your parents gives you the budget to promote three others then it might be worth it.

The one other thing I would say is that if you do compromise on some things, it would be a good idea to clarify that this is where those compromises start and end. If they want anything else then they need to speak now or ... well, I guess you know how that bit goes!

Ugi

The most sensible and constructive answer to date!

POPPYOSCAR

Some consideration should be given to parents regardless if they are paying for/towards your wedding to make them feel involved.

Surely you want them to enjoy the day as much as possible?

That being said they should not place any demands on you but a little bit of give and take on all sides will make for a great day all round.

pippyx

I have just had my sons wedding and I gave them a gift of money but did not expect to make demands on their day. It would be nice if you could talk together and maybe ask for some some guidance to bring them into the preparations or ideas but they should not make demands. Making demands would just cause friction between you all and it should be a happy family day for all to enjoy.

alggomas

After reading other comments some seem rather anti parent!

If the parents are paying, even if they were not, surely as a family you should all discuss.
Obviously the couple should have the major say as it is their wedding but all suggestions should be welcome.

It would not bode well for relationships between both sets of parents and the young couple if the couple say : Its our wedding we do as we please.

Nikki_t

Personally i would never accept money from my parents especially for my wedding.
Its your day!!
Weddings can be expensive, if you dont want their input either return the money, or tell them you dont like their ideas, see if you can all agree a way forward?

seren77

Your question is couched in terms to make it sound like they're being unreasonable and you're hard done by, so basically we don't know what their terrible demands are. If you don't want the 'big chunk of money' don't take it.

seren77

alggomas wrote: »

After reading other comments some seem rather anti parent!

If the parents are paying, even if they were not, surely as a family you should all discuss.
Obviously the couple should have the major say as it is their wedding but all suggestions should be welcome.

It would not bode well for relationships between both sets of parents and the young couple if the couple say : Its our wedding we do as we please.

Exactly. it doesn't bode well and the lack of compromise and maturity says it all!

olgadapolga

My husband and I pretty much paid for our wedding ourselves.

My parents weren't particularly interested (having paid for my sister's extravagant affair I couldn't really blame them) and pretty much just turned up on the day.

My husband's parents wanted to give us a lump sum towards it but wanted us to invite all of their relatives (most of whom I really couldn't bear to be near) so we declined because if we'd invited DH's relatives then we'd have had to invite mine and that wasn't going to happen.

His mum did buy a few things for it which she produced on the day - no idea why really, they were odd things like a watch on a chain for my husband (which he couldn't use on the day as the waistcoat I made for him didn't have deep enough pockets for it) and a charm for a charm bracelet that I didn't have. But we just said, "thank you" and let her think what she wanted to think. She also sorted out flowers for the bridesmaids and made my bouquet but only after consultation so I got to tell her what I wanted and she agreed to it. And was thanked for her contribution.

We had a small, perfect wedding, where we wanted it and how we wanted it. Wouldn't have had it any other way.