Money Moral Dilemma: Should my parents have a say in our wedding plans if they're paying?

maman

We'll never know what OP thinks or decides so a pointless thread IMO.

Pollycat

tealady wrote: »

He who pays the piper, calls the tune.
Hand the money back and you can pay to have exactly what you want.

Love it! :T

maman wrote: »

We'll never know what OP thinks or decides so a pointless thread IMO.

No different to any other MMD...:whistle:

onomatopoeia99

Pollycat wrote: »

No different to any other MMD...:whistle:

Just occasionally the person asking the question by email will register and reply to the thread, which as a poster of long standing you should recall has happened in the past. If they're not too put off by all the people complaining that MMDs are silly / made up etc etc.

gremmy1

Gifts of money (or anything for that matter) shouldn’t come with an ultimatum. If they are gifting the money it doesn’t automatically give them the right to then control you. If you really need the money and still want them to be involved then give them a responsibility to organise a part of the wedding YOU want (doesn’t have to be a big part) then they will still feel like that have some control but it will be on your terms. Good luck! And congrats 🥳

Ugi

There are so many shades of grey in this.

If you couldn't afford a wedding otherwise then maybe you have to put up with it or wait until you can afford it on your own.

Then again, if the money is entirely for things you don't want anyway then clearly you would be better off without.

I imagine the reality is somewhere in-between and clearly that means you need to decide how strongly you object to what they are wanting. If it's something fundamental, like they want you married in church and you don't believe in that type of thing then it's clearly not going to work. On the other hand, if they want Bolli' and you prefer Tattinger, will it really matter?

I only have experience of getting married the one time but from that limited experience I found that the range between "everyone has a good time" and "perfection" is absolutely huge and anywhere in that zone will be fine if you let it be. There were so many things about our wedding that were not perfect and yet we had a really happy day and everyone had a great time.

Decide:
what you must have,
what you would like,
what you can live with and
what you can't abide

Now see how your options stack up. If dropping one item from "would like" to "can live with" to humour your parents gives you the budget to promote three others then it might be worth it.

The one other thing I would say is that if you do compromise on some things, it would be a good idea to clarify that this is where those compromises start and end. If they want anything else then they need to speak now or ... well, I guess you know how that bit goes!

Ugi

corconx

We just gave our daughters the money for their wedding saying spend it how you want, tell us where it is, and what time but think carefully it’s money you can use as a deposit. So spend it on the wedding YOU want. I’ve had mine. It’s your day. Should be what you want.

cx

Best of luck

Clueless969

Personally, I am all for give and take with the caveat that one side does not do all the giving and the other side all the taking.


Whilst this is your wedding, I feel that you have a moral obligation to involve your parents. I assume that you actually love them and want them there??


I would also guess that there are things that you want/plan to do for your wedding that they do not approve of but, as you have not mentioned it, I am guessing they have not shared that aspect with you?


They are your parents and they are, I would anticipate, heavily invested in you and your happiness and not just financially. Cut them some slack and do not appear to treat them just like the Bank of Mum & Dad because that way resentment lies and I cannot imagine that you would want that??

Clueless969

The original question aside, many of the responses so far just make me laugh.

No one has thought to ask why the soon to be married couple accepted the "Big Chunk of Money" in the first place.

If it is because they want rather than need the money to have a posh rather than "ordinary" wedding, then I think they have their priorities where the sun just does not shine and should politely give the money back.

If however they need the money rather than want the money so they can have any wedding celebration at all, then I am guessing the parents have offered that "Big Chunk of Money" to facilitate that.

If it is the latter reason, then you should be gracious and come to an amicable agreement. As I suggested in my earlier post resentment will come if one party does all the giving and the other does all the taking.

pjran

I’m sure you willing accepted their money so maybe you should accept their wishes but only if their contribution covers these expenses. Hopefully both sets of parents are contributing.

Enjoy your day with your parents love and company.

Goldengames

Just tell your folks that your fiance has planned all details and their decisions are final, hence in-laws requests are not honoured. I find hiding behind your support works a treat when I don't want to deal with cr*p! Classic good cop bad cop/tag team. Simples.