Money Moral Dilemma: Should my parents have a say in our wedding plans if they're paying?

silvercar

Marvel1 wrote: »

Sounds like a bribe to me.

Organza_Lace wrote: »

It's a gift with strings attached. It wouldn't suit me.

Is it any different from offering older teenagers a family holiday and them saying they would prefer to go backpacking round Thailand or wherever and the parents saying they will only pay for a family holiday?

Pollycat

silvercar wrote: »

Is it any different from offering older teenagers a family holiday and them saying they would prefer to go backpacking round Thailand or wherever and the parents saying they will only pay for a family holiday?

That sounds like a bribe or a gift with strings attached too.
So, no different.
But not particularly nice whether it's a wedding or a holiday.
Just my opinion.

The people with the money decide what conditions - if any - they wish to put on any offer of funding.
In this particular instance, it sounds like (or MSE have made it sound like) the conditions came after the offer of money which I don't think is particularly nice.

MSE_Sarah wrote: »

I'm getting married this year and my parents have given us a big chunk of money to spend on the wedding. They're now insisting on having certain things I wouldn't otherwise choose to have on the day. As it's their money, do I have to agree?

I'm posting from the position of someone who funded both my weddings, even though my parents paid for both my younger sisters' weddings.
Both husbands and I had our say on where, who was invited, what food was provided etc.
Nobody else had any input.

Pollycat wrote: »

We had something similar at my first wedding (that me and OH-to-be were funding entirely on our own).
Smallish do, we invited one cousin & his partner as we were friends with them and went out with them every Saturday. I'd not even met the other cousin, OH hadn't seen him for years.

The cousin who had been invited got bolshy and said he wouldn't come unless his brother was invited so we rescinded the invitation.
No discussion, no going back. We didn't miss their company.

[Deleted User]

silvercar wrote: »

Is it any different from offering older teenagers a family holiday and them saying they would prefer to go backpacking round Thailand or wherever and the parents saying they will only pay for a family holiday?

I think that's comparing apples with oranges. In the holiday scenario the parents or family have chosen a holiday and extended an invite to the older teenager rather than offering the teenager money for a holiday and then saying, "you only get the money if you go on the holiday we choose," would be similar to the wedding scenario.

euronorris

I personally don't think that financial gifts should come with any kind of strings attached as to how that money is used. So no, I don't feel that parents should get a say in x, y or z of the wedding details because they have gifted money. That's not a gift, in my opinion.


BUT...it is very clear that a LOT of people do feel that it gives them the right to dictate certain (or all) aspects of a wedding. So, if you do not wish to follow those requests, then return the money and the do the wedding yourself, on your own terms.


We did our wedding without any gifts of money from family. We still involved our family in many aspects, but the ultimate decisions were ours. My parents bought my dress, and my MIL paid for the flowers (but she let us choose what we wanted), so we did have some gifts - but those ones didn't come with strings attached. We were happy, and I presume they were too as they have never complained about it during or since.


However, there were aspects that my parents would have liked control over. Which is why we declined gifts of money. They weren't keen on location. The stated reason was that they felt it should be where they live, as it is where I am from. But it's not. I grew in a completely different location, and they didn't move there until my mid-twenties (and I had moved out). When this was pointed out, they said is was because our chosen location was too far for people to travel, but as our family is split at three different parts of the country, someone would ALWAYS be travelling, and my siblings all said that it was actually easier for them to get to us, than to my parents lol. I think, in reality, they wanted to invite their friends. They certainly wanted to invite lots of extended family that I haven't seen or spoken to in at least a decade. We declined on that front also. We had a small number to keep to, and we did. I think my wedding would have been VERY different if we had taken money from them, and nothing like we wanted, and there likely would have been a fair number of nasty arguments.


As it was, it was perfect. Our closest family and friends were all there. Our parents got to have some input with regards to helping me choose a dress, see me try loads on and help pick out flowers etc, but we got to keep control over everything. And most importantly, there were no fallings out!

ska_lover

hairypitz wrote: »

I’m absolutely baffled why people want to get married in this day and age unless they’re particularly religious. Wanting to honour someone or even worse obey them, I really cannot fathom it. Then there’s rings, getting called Mrs Husbands Name, like you’re a belonging. A big white dress, meant to symbolise virginity or purity, why would it be anyone’s dream? I also can’t think of much worse than a terrible disco, mass catering, all my relatives and too much alcohol in a one day only potent combination. Or receiving toasters. Or begging for money to go on a holiday to get over the stress of spending 2 years planning mass catering for all the relatives with too much booze and bad disco music.
Am I missing something in finding someone I’m so far enjoying spending my life with, having holidays as and when we want and generally getting along with it without making vows of undying love that are often broken when it doesn’t work out?
Am I the weird one?
Why do people want to get Neil Ed in this wedding malarkey?

None of the things you mention are mandatory, at all.

crmism

Answer: Yes.

gloriouslyhappy

Deleted%20User wrote: »

As someone whose parents put the childhood home up for sale and then brought me, somewhere smaller - at their choosing and doing so much so that employment options weren't seriously ever looked into and my parents had never been leasehold, they just turned up one day saying what they decided to do. But hey ho, and that's £160,000 odd later. The thought of tenants in my place didn't appeal so I couldn't keep up the disapproving for long.

I'm having a hard time understanding this post.

pennypenny123

When one of my daughters got married we paid for her dress and the wedding reception and a few other bits and bobs. They asked me to go and view venues with them and I gave my opinion but it was their choice in the end.
My other daughter decided they were buying a house so we gave them a sum of money which was instead of contributing to any future wedding.
They did save up that money and offered to repay it to me which I refused but it was a very nice gesture.
Our other daughter bought her house and didn’t want any help with the deposit but we paid to sort her garden out which was a mess!
It was all done how they wanted just because we provided the money I wouldn’t dream of imposing my preference on the wedding, the house or the garden.

newwiseman

Compromise or don't accept the money. Unless you want a quick registry office formality, the bigger the party the more it becomes a wider family affair. Where you really do object to some aspect, discuss it, but if it is not that big a deal what harm can it do? Again, don't turn a happy event into a war, weddings and funerals often bring out the worst in people.

ska_lover

newwiseman wrote: »

weddings and funerals often bring out the worst in people.

True that. Although from my own (thankfully) limited experience of funerals people tend to get worked up more about the Will.