Old Style Parenting?

Mojisola · 15 September 2010 at 10:45PM

For dealing with what I call "ordinary naughtiness" - children just pushing at the boundaries - you have to mean what you say right through your whole being. Children, like animals, soon pick up if your body language or tone of voice says something different to your words.

property.advert · 16 September 2010 at 12:26AM

You have to step up to the plate and get across that this behaviour is not acceptable, ever. She does need consistency and you all need the damn TV off. You'll have your work cut out as she screams and shouts and cries but she is not hurt, just wanting her own way. The past has gone but now is the time to stop this nonsense and get back in control of her development.

cooking-mama · 16 September 2010 at 12:35AM

kerrypn wrote: »

Phoned CAMHs and I have an appointment for ds on 24th sep :j they had a cancellation and he was near the top so I am pleased he will be seen.

Also have appointment with teacher tomorrow, DS is very quiet in school apparently.

Thanks again for all the responses.

kerrypn I am so relieved that i have read this far and you have got an appointment fairly soon...I have read your posts with a lump in my throat,I realy do feel for you,unfortunately I dont think the well meaning advice from an open forum is realy appropriate for what you describe,it realy does sound as tho your little boy needs professional help,which i hope he gets soon,for your sake as well as his,well done on coping so far,I admire you,you deserve a medal.X
PS,just an afterthought,but did your little boys behaviour worsen after the birth of his siblings,and is he as physicaly aggressive with his dad as he is with you...dunno if there would be any relevance,but may be worth thinking about in preperation for your appointment,good luck,I hope you and your son get the help you both desperately need,your little boy is very lucky to have such a caring ,and patient mummy.

ema_o · 16 September 2010 at 5:51AM

Glad to hear you have the appointment soon, really hope it helps!

When you say time outs, what do you mean? I thought they were time alone in a room or area, but from what you say it sounds like you are holding your son trying to stop him? I may have misunderstood, not judging you I am just curious!

Strawberrypud, I can't believe your daughter stomped on the butterfly, but it sounds like you handled it very well. From what I see the emphasis these days seems to be on being patient with your kids if they do something wrong, talking to them about their actions and so on.
My mum has mentioned an occasion shopping with my little sister. She was playing up the whole time, and my mum said 'if you don't stop we're leaving straight away'. Apparently my sister looked at the full trolley and carried on thinking my mum wouldn't leave it, mum said she was so shocked when she picked her up and left the shopping behind. Also my brother lost his bottle forever when he hit my sister with it one car journey, my mum grabbed it and chucked it out the window, he never asked for it again!

Even if your mum says a look was enough to stop yo, there must have been some occasions like the above, have a bit more of a chat with your mum xx

mintymoneysaver · 16 September 2010 at 8:38AM

It is really hard to be a parent. I had a 3 year old daughter who really was sweet, kind, thoughtful, loving, considerate. She's now 16 and all of those traits seem to have completely disappeared! She's become selfish, inconsiderate and ungrateful. I wonder where I went wrong....:rotfl:

Money_maker · 16 September 2010 at 8:55AM

They always want to argue - they're just honing their verbal skills - this is normal.

Personally, I would go back to nappies for a couple of weeks and try again later. If she's getting none in the pot/toilet then you're just making extra work for yourself. When I say 'no' I back it up if necessary with smack/shout or shame. You wont be doing this forever - just until you can establish boundaries but I would suggest you use it sparingly and pick your battles rather than have one over every little thing. At this age, taking away a toy or banning tv is unnecessary as its a long punishment, it needs to be dealt with immediately as she may not remember at the end of the day why the toy is banned.

I do listen to ideas from the anti-discipline brigade but having seen some pretty awful examples of how children can behave without any boundaries or guidance, I am inclined to raise my daughter in the same way as my boys who although are teenagers, have always had much better self discipline and manners than most of their peers.

Caroline73_2 · 16 September 2010 at 8:59AM

strawberrypud wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]I have a nearly 3 year old daughter and I want her to be sweet and kind and unspoilt. I also want her to appreciate gifts and even new clothes and instead, as adorable as she is, she is demanding and argumentative.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]She is very mischievous....for example when we are not looking she'll smear something on the tv screen (like soft cheese from a sandwich or youghurt) despite being told many times not to. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
Don't give her food near the tv.

[FONT=&quot]She'll ask me "what's that?" and I'll say "a lamp" and she'll say "NO its a light":mad: [/FONT]

Instead of feeling frustrated by that, I would just say "Well done, you can call it a lamp or a light" She's playing with language, it's how they learn.

[FONT=&quot]Potty training is a nightmare. I'm letting her go around with nothing on her bottom half to make it easier and the potty is always nearby but she will pee wherever she is standing despite having bladder control and knowing what is expected of her. I have been praising the successes and ignoring the failures and wiping up endless puddles for 10 days now. Today I let her pee in her pants and trousers thinking that would be uncomfy but 2 hours later she was still in them and unconcerned.[/FONT]

Put her in nappies for a week or so and don't mention potty training. She may have bladder control but she doesn't appear to be ready for it mentally if she is happy to sit in wet clothes.

[FONT=&quot]She regularly gets her magazines (cbeebies/friends) which have colouring pages and stickers from her grandmother, who also brings her books and little toys sometimes but now she asks for something as soon as she sees her grandmother and shows no surprise or gratitude when she gets something. I do make her say thank you but that is just words. I ask her to say please when she asks for something but she never says it unprompted.[/FONT]

Ask the grandparents not to give any presents if she asks for. They could say "I haven't got anything for you today because you didn't say thank you last time I got you something"

[FONT=&quot]My husband and me are clearly getting the discipline all wrong and we agree that we need to make some decisions about how to handle her behaviour before it gets worse and to hopefully change it for the better. We took her to a butterfly farm yesterday and I knelt down to show her one on the ground and said to her to look but not touch and she suddenly stomped on it! :eek:I was so shocked and upset I couldn't speak but my husband smacked her bum and we all left immediately telling her that she'd spoilt it for everyone now.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]When she does something naughty my husband will take away a favorite toy for the rest of the day or ban tv for the day. I just explain that I'm disappointed/angry. I've tried reading parenting books but am left stuck about how and when to implement the techniques ("use time out but not too often and only for certain things"?!?! Don't smack/shout/shame a child) so I am now doing virtually nothing on the discipline front and ending up with a demanding spoilt little madam. I can't ask my mum for help because apparantly a cross look from her was enough to keep me in line![/FONT]

Children need to understand consequences occur from bad behaviour, your daughter isn't that bad though. Are these her worse behaviours?

You aren't disciplining her at all, and your husband bans a tv or toy. None of these are real consequences if she can play with an alternative.

Be consistent as a couple, if your husband will smack but you aren't prepared to then neither of you should do it. Same discipline both parents, so that appropriate discipline is given at the time.

heretolearn_2 · 16 September 2010 at 9:26AM

She sounds very normal and not at all like a brat. Haven't you heard of the terrible twos? The only thing that would concern me is the gifts from grandma/greed, but she is only 2, you can't expect her to really understand too much about gratitude yet. You are being good parents and I don't think you are getting the discipline wrong!

Potty training - it happens in their own time. Give up for a few weeks and then try again. She won't be going to school in nappies, don't worry, but the more stressed you get about it the worse it will go.

Arguing - the 'no it's a light'. This is very very typical toddler talk. They are learning about language, jokes, vocabulary, conversations, and delight in this sort of word play. It's not meant in a mean way. There's a difference between her attempts at a joke (I bet she giggles afterwards) and being downright cheeky/rude. One of my son's favourites at that age (and for several years) was the yes/no game.

Damaging items - smearing stuff on TV. OK, you can put your foot down over this one. How do you discipline her? To be honest, all this modern touchyfeely stuff only goes so far, very young kids aren't capable of understanding all the explanations and so on. You have to give them clear rules and boundaries and if they cross them, there is the punishment. That even a small toddler can understand. What the punishment is, is up to you. To be honest with you, a good shout can work wonders IF it's the last resort and not something they get used to hearing all the time. It's the shock of it that does the trick, doesn't hurt them, gets the result, who cares if it's no longer the 'PC' way.

I do wonder if you have extra expectations of her because she's a girl? Do you expect her to be quiet and sweet and perfectly behaved? some girls are, a lot of girls aren't. You might have a little tomboy there on your hands, and what's wrong with that. She shouldn't get into trouble just because she isn't behaving how you think a 'girl should behave'.

The greed/grandma thing - it happens. I don't think you'll get grandma to stop. Just keep reminding your little one to say please and thank you and try pointing out now and then how lucky she is to get these lovely things. Gratitude/appreciation of others is something that does have to be taught, and she is a bit young still to be getting it.

gingin_2 · 16 September 2010 at 9:53AM

I think Grandma should stop, she has to respect Mum's wishes for the benefit of the little girl . I don't think she needs to be bringing presents every time she sees her and to me it sends out a wrong signal, especially if they are not being received in the correct way. I'd be more inclined to say that Granny is not bringing presents today but does have some bread and if you are a god girl Granny will take you to feed the ducks, or something like that.

My kids always had consequences from a young age. I'd let them experiment and go through with what they wanted to do ( within reason) but they would be forewarned that there would be a consequence if they did. My son used to like throwing things if he was cross, so he used to be told that it was his choice, if he threw it, it was on the stairs for 3 minutes, or if he wanted to put it down we could forget about it and carry on as normal.

I also try to remain annoyingly calm when ds was seeking negative attention and then over play the positive attention when all was good. It seemed to work for us.

Does she have any other siblings?

carolpinkdreamer · 16 September 2010 at 10:57AM

She sounds like a normal bright little girl to me. Try not to stress yourself out. Keep doing what you are doing. You are obviously a loving concerned mommy and I'm sure she'll outgrow all the stuff that's annoying you. Correct her when she's 'naughty' and praise her when she's 'good'. I predict she'll be a little angel in another few months.

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