Old Style Parenting?

Butterfly_Brain

The best advice that I can give is learn to say NO and mean it !
If she ignores you put her in another room and let her scream cry or whatever, she will soon learn that Mummy means it; but you must have backup from OH.
Mummy can't be seen to be an authority figure when Daddy says Oh don't let her cry etc.

Penelope_Penguin

Glad wrote: »

Hi
we have a thread on the family board Old Style Parenting?
which is asking similar questions

these 2 threads could be merged and I'll pm one of the OS BG's to ask which board would be best for the thread

We all agree that this thread will get most responses in the Families Board, so I'll move it over I know that the thread Glad mentions has lots of sound advice already.

Good luck OP :T

Hi, Martin’s asked me to post this in these circumstances: I’ve asked Board Guides to move threads if they’ll receive a better response elsewhere (please see this rule) so this post/thread has been moved to another board, where it should get more replies. If you have any questions about this policy please email [EMAIL="abuse@moneysavingexpert.com"]abuse@moneysavingexpert.com[/EMAIL].

kerrypn

Phoned CAMHs and I have an appointment for ds on 24th sep :j they had a cancellation and he was near the top so I am pleased he will be seen.

Also have appointment with teacher tomorrow, DS is very quiet in school apparently.

Thanks again for all the responses.

strawberrypud

[FONT=&quot]I have a nearly 3 year old daughter and I want her to be sweet and kind and unspoilt. I also want her to appreciate gifts and even new clothes and instead, as adorable as she is, she is demanding and argumentative.

She is very mischievous....for example when we are not looking she'll smear something on the tv screen (like soft cheese from a sandwich or youghurt) despite being told many times not to. She'll ask me "what's that?" and I'll say "a lamp" and she'll say "NO its a light":mad:

Potty training is a nightmare. I'm letting her go around with nothing on her bottom half to make it easier and the potty is always nearby but she will pee wherever she is standing despite having bladder control and knowing what is expected of her. I have been praising the successes and ignoring the failures and wiping up endless puddles for 10 days now. Today I let her pee in her pants and trousers thinking that would be uncomfy but 2 hours later she was still in them and unconcerned.

She regularly gets her magazines (cbeebies/friends) which have colouring pages and stickers from her grandmother, who also brings her books and little toys sometimes but now she asks for something as soon as she sees her grandmother and shows no surprise or gratitude when she gets something. I do make her say thank you but that is just words. I ask her to say please when she asks for something but she never says it unprompted.

My husband and me are clearly getting the discipline all wrong and we agree that we need to make some decisions about how to handle her behaviour before it gets worse and to hopefully change it for the better. We took her to a butterfly farm yesterday and I knelt down to show her one on the ground and said to her to look but not touch and she suddenly stomped on it! :eek:I was so shocked and upset I couldn't speak but my husband smacked her bum and we all left immediately telling her that she'd spoilt it for everyone now.

When she does something naughty my husband will take away a favorite toy for the rest of the day or ban tv for the day. I just explain that I'm disappointed/angry. I've tried reading parenting books but am left stuck about how and when to implement the techniques ("use time out but not too often and only for certain things"?!?! Don't smack/shout/shame a child) so I am now doing virtually nothing on the discipline front and ending up with a demanding spoilt little madam. I can't ask my mum for help because apparantly a cross look from her was enough to keep me in line!

[/FONT]

Dave101t

3 is already too late, sorry!

bylromarha

strawberrypud wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]I have a nearly 3 year old daughter and I want her to be sweet and kind and unspoilt. I also want her to appreciate gifts and even new clothes and instead, as adorable as she is, she is demanding and argumentative. [/FONT]

Don't we all - she's still 2 and still has much to learn.
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

strawberrypud wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]She is very mischievous....for example when we are not looking she'll smear something on the tv screen (like soft cheese from a sandwich or youghurt) despite being told many times not to. [/FONT]

Do you have a dining table? Don't eat near the TV if poss, make meals a family time and model to her how you do eat. She'll love the attention for all the good eating as that's what the smearing will be about - she wants some attention. Better to catch her being good than allow the naughtiness to happen.

strawberrypud wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]She'll ask me "what's that?" and I'll say "a lamp" and she'll say "NO its a light":mad: [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]

My response to my 4 yr old DD to this question is "What do you think it is?"

[/FONT]

strawberrypud wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]Potty training is a nightmare. I'm letting her go around with nothing on her bottom half to make it easier and the potty is always nearby but she will pee wherever she is standing despite having bladder control and knowing what is expected of her. I have been praising the successes and ignoring the failures and wiping up endless puddles for 10 days now. Today I let her pee in her pants and trousers thinking that would be uncomfy but 2 hours later she was still in them and unconcerned. [/FONT]

Again, modelling is the key IMO. Go to the toilet together, put the potty in the loo. regularly go together every 90 minutes or so. Puddle wiping is hard work tho - it's tough - but very worth it in the end.
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

strawberrypud wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]She regularly gets her magazines (cbeebies/friends) which have colouring pages and stickers from her grandmother, who also brings her books and little toys sometimes but now she asks for something as soon as she sees her grandmother and shows no surprise or gratitude when she gets something. I do make her say thank you but that is just words. I ask her to say please when she asks for something but she never says it unprompted.

My husband and me are clearly getting the discipline all wrong and we agree that we need to make some decisions about how to handle her behaviour before it gets worse and to hopefully change it for the better. We took her to a butterfly farm yesterday and I knelt down to show her one on the ground and said to her to look but not touch and she suddenly stomped on it! :eek:I was so shocked and upset I couldn't speak but my husband smacked her bum and we all left immediately telling her that she'd spoilt it for everyone now.

When she does something naughty my husband will take away a favorite toy for the rest of the day or ban tv for the day. I just explain that I'm disappointed/angry. I've tried reading parenting books but am left stuck about how and when to implement the techniques ("use time out but not too often and only for certain things"?!?! Don't smack/shout/shame a child) so I am now doing virtually nothing on the discipline front and ending up with a demanding spoilt little madam. I can't ask my mum for help because apparantly a cross look from her was enough to keep me in line!

[/FONT]

If you know she knows she has done wrong, then time out is the way forward. Make her do 2 - 3 minutes sitting out, away from you, insist she sees it through. Again, hard work to make it happen to start with, but very worth it.

Also, remember she's 2. Try not to use lots of language, but short phrases. "That behaviour is wrong " "You know that was the wrong thing to do" etc. She will have no understanding of making you feel sad as she probably hasn't yet learnt that her actions effect other people. Focus on what she did and that she has to sit out because of her choice.

Please be assured that all this is typical 2 -3 year old behaviour,either that, or you and I have very similar little ladies! Power through, be consistant with you and OH singing from the same song sheet and she will begin to understand that one action results in you making something happen that she doesn't like.

All the best.

BeenieCat

Agree with bylro, she is still very young so try not to expect too much from her. Being consistent is key and stay calm.

Agutka

Aww, bless you. She sounds perfectly normal to me. Just like my nearly 3yo son.
He attacks the TV if not getting attention, he keeps peeing on the strangest things, even though he has been trained for two months now. Wet pants don't bother him either. "what's that?" is the equivalent of "why?" which he hasn't started yet. I sometimes delibrately lie to keep him on his toes. What's that? A tree. No, it's not, it's a car! Hee hee. Much more entertaining this way.
If they receive gifts, they expect gifts, being thankful I don't think crosses their minds yet, as they are completely selfish.
She will appear completely lovely, unspoilt, sweet and kind to other people, it's just us parents that get pushed to the limits.

You are not doing anything wrong, just keep at it. Another year or so, and she'll get better. I hope :eek:

Savvy_Sue

Mojisola wrote: »

Just wanted to say what brilliant, useful posts from you, Savvy_Sue!

If MSE had been around when DS1 was the same age, I'd probably have been on here tearing my hair out! Although to be fair, his problems are mild compared to some of what I've heard - I knew he was 'different' and quite difficult, but he was never SO difficult that I was down the doctors refusing to leave until I had some answers! So I realise that not everything I say is going to be much help, and certainly not to everyone!

Mojisola wrote: »

I would second this - I've been in the position of the teacher. On the first parents' evening of the year, I was talking to a boy's parents about what a lovely lad he was, how helpful and good in class and the parents were getting increasingly uncomfortable. The mother finally asked had I'd mixed them up with some other boy's parents? When they realised I was talking about their son, they were astonished as his behaviour at home was so different.

So it's useful for TWO reasons:

one is that teachers knows there could be a problem and that different approaches may be needed in time - DS1 really struggled to answer exam questions he regarded as 'stupid', for example, and had to be 'taught' "not to underestimate the stupidity of the examiner", as DH put it! Really, when you think about it, it must be quite hard to work out why your teacher is asking a question that you KNOW they know the answer to, it makes no sense! :rotfl:

two is that YOU are reminded that your child is not all bad! They have many lovely qualities, and their teachers think they're great. They can't keep it up 24/7, and that's very difficult for you, but I can't help feeling that it's better to have it that way round, because if a child just cannot cope with school then there's a whole raft of new problems. At least while they're at school you can draw breath and gather strength for a bit.

Mojisola wrote: »

kerrypn - ditch the thought that you're a bad mother. Look at your other children when you need reassuring.

Absolutely. My 3 are ALL so different, you wonder sometimes who their parents are! And you must be doing something right if they are OK (not that you are necessarily doing anything wrong, you understand!)

Mojisola wrote: »

If what's being suggested by others to help with your son isn't working, stop doing it. Think outside the box and find what works with your son - it doesn't matter if it's not approved of by other people or not recommended by experts!

Indeed. No-one else has to live with your son, do they?

Fantastic news about the CAMHS appointment, btw, kerry, let us know how it goes, and come and have an AAARRRGGGG! moment here if you need it!

onlyroz

Smacking - no. Restraining - yes.

Regarding timeouts, is there anywhere you can put him where he couldn't cause destruction? E.g. when my son is naughty I send him to the conservatory for 5 min. It's at the back of the house where he can't see us, and there's nothing in there for him to do/break (not that he's a particularly destructive child).

The same with his bedroom - if he pulls off the curtains then don't put them back up. If he moans about it being too bright then give him paper to stick up.

As for him not accepting praise, would there be some small reward you could give him instead? (E.g. biscuits, fruit, stickers, 30 mins of TV?).

I also agree with others that you must be consistent - so there's no use in changing the punishment/reward every day.