Old Style Parenting?

lauren_1

I think he sounds rather impatient, hitting you for 10 mins with a school bag....was this before class started?
Have you tried getting there just as the bell goes so he can instantly go to his classroom?

my DD is a very impatient little maddam who bores easily but i read this as acting up, it wasn't until we sat down with her and asked her outright what her problem was and it was very upsetting to hear that 'if you didnt hassle me every 5 seconds i wouldn't be annoyed' so in her mind she couldn't do anything right and having me constantly on her case just made her resentful and made her lash out.

As for running in to the road I just dont think he has a very good sense of danger rather than being intentionally disruptive.

Have you tried giving him his own time to do something how he wants to do it?

Stand back for a day, no shouting, no telling off, no hassling him and see how he reacts to being his own person without you telling him what to do or how to do it.

Dont talk to him through direct questions i.e put your shoes one, turn the tv off, do this, do that. He may feel that he's just getting orders barked at him but ask him in ways that is more conversational and he has to think about it such as.....'what do we need to put on our feet?' etc etc

Another note to remember is that nearly every child is naughty at one point in their lives and thats NORMAL, it doesnt mean there is anything wrong with them mentally it just means we all need to lower our high expectations and remember that children are children, its really does suck to be a child today, you cant go out and play in the streets, you cant go dig in the mud, cant go tree climb, cant do half the things we used to and you always have your parents on your back....

Im sorry if i am sound very negative about it but from your post i dont see any mental issues, i just see a bored hen pecked child and a overfraught mother who just needs to chill and ease up a bit.

lauren_1

kerrypn wrote: »

Hope someone has some advice for me

I have 3 beautiful children: DS1 is 4 DD is 2 and DS2 is 7 months.

has a penchant for trashing bathroom/kitchen, and more: He can be VERY naughty Hands up here who have been told by their parents of the time they fed the video man a rusk or decorated the hallway with wax crayon....have you seen the waybolou ad on cbeebies when the girl dumps the barbie stuck in the speaker? its entirely normal.

I try very hard to instill good values in my children and it looks like I don't bother at all dont give up, hes only 4

Any golden OS tips? Anything that works will leave me eternally in your debt. relax and have some you time

PS DD and DS2 are very different, very laid back and neither show any of the behaviours(OK bit early for DS2 but DD is not like DS1 was at her age) so I don't think it is entirely me being a bad parent, I try my best, so please don't slate me, I love all my children very much but I am really at my wits end

they are different because he's a boy and she's a girl, boys naturally are whirlwinds of destruction, they laugh at their farts constantly, think 'poohead' is the most hillarious word in the world.

pukkamum

You need to decide on the punishment you are going to use and STICK to it, no second chances, no backing down.
He is pushing to see how far he can go and by the sounds of it you are letting him go to far.
You say the step didn't work because he got angry, well that is precisely the point, it's a punishment he's not suppposed to like it. I had to do it with my DD 4 last night after bad behaviour at the dinner table. She went into a huge tantrum whilst on there so i just left her until she had burned out.
She stopped eventually, they always do, and she learned that tantruming is not going to get her anywhere. Also with removing the child form the room you stop yourself form getting too wound up.

Another thing i would look at is your tone of voice when disciplining, are you pleading with him to stop? Explaining why he should stop? Well what you should be doing is using a very strong tone of voice (not shouting just very stern) and do not ask for the behaviour to stop or go into masssive explainations as to why he has to stop, tell him he MUST STOP this minute or x y or z will happen and follow through!!!!!

As for the behaviour in the playground i would have told him in no uncertain terms to STOP then i would have walked immediately to his classroom/ door and left him, i can pretty much guarantee he would stop as soon as he saw a teacher.

Children react to your reactions if they see you acting weak when they behave this way the behaviour will get worse, they NEED you to be the strong parent and to teach the correct behaviour.

Also boys are very very different to girls, i thought i had an angel having my DD after the whilrwind that is my DS only she now at 4 is pushing her boundaries it just came later than my son!!!!

WestonDave

As a parent of boys aged 5 and 3 I wouldn't say his behaviour is disastrous - challenging yes, but not beyond redemption.

Firstly kids will be kids, and boys seem to be boys (so sometimes more physically responsive to situations than girls appear to be to an outsider at least!). If he's swinging from the light fitting its because he can reach it and wants to see if he can. Our five year old currently has an amazing bruise across his back where he fell off the roof of the playhouse onto the corner of the little table he'd used to climb up there! (We should have stopped him but you can't be on top of everything or on their case all the time).

Secondly its a kids job to embarrass you - whilst hitting you for ten minutes isn't acceptable behaviour, that is the problem not what other people think, and to a degree if he knows he can get a rise from you by embarrassing you then he will do it exactly for that reason.

Its not clear from what you are saying where your OH is in this - is he reinforcing the discipline, undermining it, or absenting himself from parenting. If he's not supporting you and helping you present a united front then the message your son is getting is that its just mum being mum and clearly doesn't matter that much because Dad doesn't feel the same way.

Sounds a bit like he's got a surplus of energy that may be helpful to channel in some way. Try adding more physical exercise into his day - walk to pre-school if you don't already or stop off at the park on the way home a couple of times a week. On the other hand our youngest gets more fiesty when he's tired so think about how much sleep he's getting and whether the other two kids are disturbing him. As someone has already said keep an eye on his diet - try to avoid sugar peaks and troughs - again we sometimes notice that our eldest gets more fiesty if he's had high GI foods and then crashes to be frustrated and tearful (we've had this checked and its not medically significant before anyone says - just him being very skinny so doesn't have much in reserve).

Try to find time in each day with each of the children so that they don't feel that the only way they get your undivided attention is to play up to the point where you have to stop everything else to focus on disciplining them - maybe have a special half hour with him after the younger kids have gone to bed or while they are having a nap.

Sadly kids don't come with an instruction book so you kind of have to try things and see what works - however do give them time to work - chopping and changing makes things worse as they get the impression that they can see this latest idea off in a few days if they play up enough. When they see you are serious and are going to see it through it will start to work. I have on occasion had to spend an entire hour getting the youngest to stay on the step for 2 minutes - trouble is he has his dad's stubborn streak so a battle of wills between us is a marathon contest!

Above everything else, remember that they are kids that can't be expected to be grown up, and that whatever the challenges the years when they are young are a time you will feel has passed too quickly - make the most/best of it.

lauren_1

westondave wrote: »

as a parent of boys aged 5 and 3 i wouldn't say his behaviour is disastrous - challenging yes, but not beyond redemption.

Firstly kids will be kids, and boys seem to be boys (so sometimes more physically responsive to situations than girls appear to be to an outsider at least!). If he's swinging from the light fitting its because he can reach it and wants to see if he can. Our five year old currently has an amazing bruise across his back where he fell off the roof of the playhouse onto the corner of the little table he'd used to climb up there! (we should have stopped him but you can't be on top of everything or on their case all the time).

Secondly its a kids job to embarrass you - whilst hitting you for ten minutes isn't acceptable behaviour, that is the problem not what other people think, and to a degree if he knows he can get a rise from you by embarrassing you then he will do it exactly for that reason.

Its not clear from what you are saying where your oh is in this - is he reinforcing the discipline, undermining it, or absenting himself from parenting. If he's not supporting you and helping you present a united front then the message your son is getting is that its just mum being mum and clearly doesn't matter that much because dad doesn't feel the same way.

Sounds a bit like he's got a surplus of energy that may be helpful to channel in some way. Try adding more physical exercise into his day - walk to pre-school if you don't already or stop off at the park on the way home a couple of times a week. On the other hand our youngest gets more fiesty when he's tired so think about how much sleep he's getting and whether the other two kids are disturbing him. As someone has already said keep an eye on his diet - try to avoid sugar peaks and troughs - again we sometimes notice that our eldest gets more fiesty if he's had high gi foods and then crashes to be frustrated and tearful (we've had this checked and its not medically significant before anyone says - just him being very skinny so doesn't have much in reserve).

Try to find time in each day with each of the children so that they don't feel that the only way they get your undivided attention is to play up to the point where you have to stop everything else to focus on disciplining them - maybe have a special half hour with him after the younger kids have gone to bed or while they are having a nap.

Sadly kids don't come with an instruction book so you kind of have to try things and see what works - however do give them time to work - chopping and changing makes things worse as they get the impression that they can see this latest idea off in a few days if they play up enough. When they see you are serious and are going to see it through it will start to work. I have on occasion had to spend an entire hour getting the youngest to stay on the step for 2 minutes - trouble is he has his dad's stubborn streak so a battle of wills between us is a marathon contest!

Above everything else, remember that they are kids that can't be expected to be grown up, and that whatever the challenges the years when they are young are a time you will feel has passed too quickly - make the most/best of it.

amen! :T :T :T

freyanneke_2

Interesting reading all the posts. My DS2 is not bothered when punished at all, he just gives up after the second time being told off. We just switch reward methods every week or so, before he loses interest. This week we have earning paperclips. If he has ten for that day, he can have his pudding. Every paperclip is named without too much fuss. So instead of praising him, I tell him that this good behaviour, like putting on his shoes straight away is something that he is allowed to put a paperclip for on the fridge. We do make a fuss about which colour he chooses and he can form his own chain that we attach to the fridge with a magnet. If he has done more than 10 things right that day he can have double. I make sure he gets to ten paperclips most days as there are always ten things he will do right. That way we keep most of our interactions about behaviour positive instead of pleading or punishing. Little steps will get you there!

julie03

have you tried the naughty step with a visual aid ie: a sand timer as some children work better this way.
my son has suspected aspergers and couldnt grasp the concept of the amount of time he had to spend on the naughty step, we got him a stop watch( he is older than your son) and being able to look at something to see how long he had to spend there.

also when destructive it might help if your hold him tight and make him look at your face when explaining bad behaviour as when my son is angry unless i am holding his face making him look at me he doesnt hear a word i say and keep repeating over and over what he has done wrong.

and when kids hit out at you in the playground it is very embarressing, i am still waiting to see cahms as well but my sons school is brilliant and is already booked in with the EP. these 2 things have helped in starting to make some headway with my DS and keep up praise every little thing, even walking nicely home

good luck with everything, these things take time and the rewards are small but still significent

honey9

Children 4 and under do generally lack what we'd define as empathy in that that part of their brains hasn't developed properly yet! They are still learning to read facial expressions and body language and so on and empathy is not fully developed until the age of four or five. So in that he's probably completely normal, I wouldn't worry about that.

I don't have kids I'm afraid so I can't give you any advice but I do think the nursery teacher was a bit out of order saying that.

kerrypn

WOW So many responses, thank you for everyone who replied.

I will try and answer everything said, but Im sorry if I miss anything out.

First of all, I am not 100% in agreement with smacking, although I do realise why this has been suggested. I am not convinced it works for one and secondly it is strongly discouraged by every professional I have met with in relation to DSs behaviour, but thank you for taking the time to respond to me.

I have been to the local children's centre, health visitor,GP, nursery nurse, headteacher, his own teacher-this has been a long process and you may think wow She has tried all these things already-this has been happening for TWO AND A HALF YEARS. I give everything a good shot at working. It was the health visitor who told me to stop using timeout as it was so destructive to the relationship between me and my son-he was hurting me so badly I had a black eye, bleeding wounds on my arms from scratches, bruises etc etc.

It has been noted by the children centre workers that DS does not take praise well.

The person who urged me to seek professional help from CAHMS was my grandmother, who had 3 children of her own and has 6 grandchildren-and says his behaviour is not typical of a four year old-you have to imagine I have only told you the tip of the iceberg, and we have been trying to help DS with these behaviours for a long time. I am not branding him "naughty" or anything-but some of his behaviour IS naughty-and there is no escaping that. I have had children's workers tell me I am dealing with the behaviour correctly and as they would advise but it is not working.

I'm sorry, this post sounds very defensive, but I am so used to the disapproving looks and tut tuts that I am used to it now.

The incident in the playground was AFTER school. We were picking up my SD who goes to the same school. The nursery teacher might be a bit harsh saying what she said but I can't deny it as he laughs when he hurts people and seems to enjoy it.

Last night he pulled down his curtain rail and curtains, snapped the brackets and weed all over the curtains(he has been fully toilet trained for a year plus) He also broke a drawer in his wardrobe, pulled off the mattress to his bed and basically trashed the room

He does have lots of opportunities for outside activities-we usually go out every weekend, he is starting football tomorrow evening and we always walk to and from school, if its nice we will go to the park/walk around our town centre/go to the library.
He does watch some TV, but he is definitely not just plonked in front of it and that's it-I allow him a set amount and if he misbehaves he doesn't get to watch it.

We do lots of activities together, we paint, draw, read, play with cars or bricks, cook and do a little gardening(when its nice). I also have a special sensory garden in the back for the children, trampoline, seesaw and special plants they can touch, windchimes, sandpit and mud kitchen.

I cook from scratch and avoid e numbers AT ALL COSTS because if he has had e numbers then he is literally bouncing off the walls-so I am a packet reader of EVERYTHING. He only drinks water-his preference, although he does sometimes have pure fruit juice and milk.

We have an egg timer but unfortunately it acts as an irritant and he is hell bent on getting hold of it if we use it.

My DH is very good-unfortunately we have had several crisis meetings between us over the last couple of years to discuss what to try next/to be united and consistent. It makes absolutely no difference to DS who is looking after him.

Phew, very long and boring post, very sorry, as you can probably guess I am desperate for a glimmer of hope, I love DS very much but his behaviour is already starting to impact on his life-he finds making friends very difficult and at nursery last year was bullied as a result, so it is very important I get this sorted ASAP.

Thank you for all your advice and kind words, and I am sorry if I have missed anything out from questions asked, I do appreciate the help very much.

I wonder if there is anything (other than smacking) that you remember working in your childhood?

the_cat

kerrypn wrote: »

Last night he pulled down his curtain rail and curtains, snapped the brackets and weed all over the curtains(he has been fully toilet trained for a year plus) He also broke a drawer in his wardrobe, pulled off the mattress to his bed and basically trashed the room

Did he do all this deliberately or because of over zealous play? If it was deliberate, what was your response(ie what emotions etc do you display at the time) and what is his punishment?

Why is he able to punch you,kick you, leave marks,scratches etc? You are a full grown adult and he is a tiny little child! Restrain him! Under no circumstances, regardless of where you are or who is watching,let him do this. You are bigger and stronger than him and to let him maim you in this way is ridiculous!

With the greatest of respect, the fact that all health and childcare professionals say that you should not smack is because they have to say that..... it may or may not be what they do with their own children. They are not allowed to encourage parents to smack as they must follow the 'guidelines' with regards to the advice they give out.

I know that you are not sure about this route, but frankly, what you are trying so far is not working. Maybe smacking would?