Old Style Parenting?

kerrypn

Hope someone has some advice for me

I have 3 beautiful children: DS1 is 4 DD is 2 and DS2 is 7 months.

DS1 has ALWAYS been a handful-since he could walk, he climbed, he has a very hyperactive and impulsive nature. For example I have caught him swinging from the light fitting in his room, he can dash into the road despite VERY vigourous road safety work, aggressive to siblings and me, very defiant, has a penchant for trashing bathroom/kitchen, and more: He can be VERY naughty
Also, he has problems with emotions(nursery teacher said he lacked empathy ), takes praise badly(immediately does something naughty when praised traditionally) and does not interact well with peers.
I have tried so many things, naughty step, then timeout(disaster-he gets very worked up and aggressive), confiscating toys, reward charts, good boy penny jar, praise and ignore, I am so far down the end of my tether with the behaviou-we are now 2 1/2 years down the line since this started-I NEED some help-he has a referral for CAHMS but it is taking ages, and I am stuck on what to do next. This behaviour is spilling out in public. He spent 10 mins whacking me with his school book bag in front of all the mums and dads in the playground running around me in circles so I couldnt get him It is becoming embarrassing, I try very hard to instill good values in my children and it looks like I don't bother at all

Any golden OS tips? Anything that works will leave me eternally in your debt.

PS DD and DS2 are very different, very laid back and neither show any of the behaviours(OK bit early for DS2 but DD is not like DS1 was at her age) so I don't think it is entirely me being a bad parent, I try my best, so please don't slate me, I love all my children very much but I am really at my wits end

bluetimone97

I am sure somebody more expereinced than me will be along soon, but just wanted to send hugs...., also wondering whether an educational pyschologist referral may be of some help for you if maybe you could talk to his teacher if they agree.
My friend's son(16 now) was very similar and he turned out to be autistic, not that I am saying your son is of course (wow this advice thing is hard, hope my comments do not offend).

freyanneke_2

My DS2 can be a bit like you describe. He seems to do better with a good routine.


Also, he has problems with emotions(nursery teacher said he lacked empathy ), takes praise badly(immediately does something naughty when praised traditionally) and does not interact well with peers.I am not sure what happened that the nursery teacher is making such a statement. It makes me wonder if there are people that seem to handle your son better?

I have tried so many things, naughty step, then timeout(disaster-he gets very worked up and aggressive), confiscating toys, reward charts, good boy penny jar, praise and ignore, I am so far down the end of my tether with the behaviou-we are now 2 1/2 years down the line since this started-I NEED some help-he has a referral for CAHMS but it is taking ages, and I am stuck on what to do next. This behaviour is spilling out in public.

I am waiting for a CAMHS appointment for one of my other children and I hope it will take a lot quicker for you than it usually takes. As it stands you have the health visitor and the school nurse that you can ask for advice. I am sure that you have spoken to them before and I hope they are somewhat helpful to you. First of all, I would ask for an appointment with the paediatrician. It might not flag up anything physical, but at mine did help with writing a letter for a referal for mental health.

Last thing I want to tell you: you are a good parent. You wouldn't be trying so hard to find help if you weren't. I know how it feels when your child is doing things that you try hard to turn round. Some behaviours are stopped with simple solutions like changing your tone of voice or changing the way you react to bad behaviour. Sometimes it is just waiting till it stops and pick it up from there.

Penelope_Penguin

Hello kerrypn :beer: Have you spoken to your DS's teacher, or GP? They may be able to refer you to a specialist.

There are loads of experts on this topic over on the Families Board, so I'll move your thread over.

Good luck!

Hi, Martin’s asked me to post this in these circumstances: I’ve asked Board Guides to move threads if they’ll receive a better response elsewhere (please see this rule) so this post/thread has been moved to another board, where it should get more replies. If you have any questions about this policy please email [EMAIL="abuse@moneysavingexpert.com"]abuse@moneysavingexpert.com[/EMAIL].

Spendless

Have you got a children's centre in your area? If you have they usually have parent/family support workers, see if you can see one of them whilst waiting for your CAMHS appt to come thru.

Kimberley82

Have you tried smacking?

DKLS

Kimberley82 wrote: »

Have you tried smacking?

That would be true old style parenting, bad behaviour = a wallop.

I was reading a recent thread about a dog biting a child, and noted the difference in responses, today its all sympathy, hugs and having the dog PTS, when I was bitten by a dog, I got a whack and told not to be so stupid to stroke a dog when its eating.

the_cat

I would personally not hesitate to smack in some of the instances you have described... certainly for anything where he is putting himself in danger. A short sharp slap across the backside might just be the thing that could stop him running into the road and killing himself. (although I would personally use a wrist strap AT ALL TIMES until you can be more sure of his behaviour. Better safe than sorry)

He is only 4. There may or may not be something wrong behaviourally/medically. I am certainly no expert. I would however, think it a little early in his life for bad behaviour to be labelled as anything more than just that.... bad behaviour!

My first son had a big temper on him at that age. It took me trying many tactics to find what worked when he kicked off. The fact that you say time-out was a disaster because he got so angry is exactly what I found. He used to throw stuff (dents in the fridge to prove it!) and hurl himself at doors etc if we placed him behind one (he wouldn't sit on a step, no matter what we did).

Initially I was put off using time-out for this reason. The funny thing is that it was the thing which worked. He got so angry because he hated it. Once he realised that I was going to follow it through 100% on every occasion, he started to avoid the behaviours that led to him getting time out. It took a few goes and it was horrible to do it but I had to let him scream his rage out. Once he had gone from anger to just being upset, I found I could go back and comfort him and talk about the behaviour that led to his punishment

He is now a 17year old lad who has been through school and college with an exemplary behaviour record. So far I seem to have been spared the teenage strops too, so maybe we are just having our share of the trauma early!

Plans_all_plans

I feel that smacking may work in some of the instances you describe.

Does he spend a lot of time on the computer or in front of TV? I strongly feel that this is bad for young children and time with you away from outside distractions will help with his emotional literacy. Good luck.

Chakani

the_cat wrote: »

He is only 4. There may or may not be something wrong behaviourally/medically. I am certainly no expert. I would however, think it a little early in his life for bad behaviour to be labelled as anything more than just that.... bad behaviour!

My first son had a big temper on him at that age. It took me trying many tactics to find what worked when he kicked off. The fact that you say time-out was a disaster because he got so angry is exactly what I found. He used to throw stuff (dents in the fridge to prove it!) and hurl himself at doors etc if we placed him behind one (he wouldn't sit on a step, no matter what we did).

Initially I was put off using time-out for this reason. The funny thing is that it was the thing which worked. He got so angry because he hated it. Once he realised that I was going to follow it through 100% on every occasion, he started to avoid the behaviours that led to him getting time out. It took a few goes and it was horrible to do it but I had to let him scream his rage out. Once he had gone from anger to just being upset, I found I could go back and comfort him and talk about the behaviour that led to his punishment

This. My first response to your OP, was "my goodness, you've used all those tactics in such a short space of time, how do either of you know where you are?" I'm not saying you are wrong for trying different approaches, but sometimes with a child who is used to 'winning' the confrontation, or who is very strong minded, and is suddenly confronted with something that interrupts their bad behaviour, the behaviour will get worse before it gets better, especially with an effective technique.

Imagine you are trying to open a door that you can normally open, and is stuck. You will give it a push, like you normally do, which doesn't get you what you are looking for (to get through the door). So, you push it harder. When that doesn't work, you push harder still. You might then get cross and shove your body against it. It's just not working, and now you're cross and frustrated, so you give it a really big shove just before you give up.

It's the same thing with bad behaviour. They will push harder to begin with, because it worked before. If you, the door, don't give in, then eventually they will realise it's not going to work. That is exactly what the-cat describes with her DS.

I would use the time out as a starting point, because he seems to thrive on attention, so removing it would be an obvious consequence, (and giving it a good reward for good behaviour, without direct praise if that upsets him, although I suspect this might change). I would not smack, because I don't believe it is necessary, and the same effect can be achieved without you demonstrating a behaviour you don't want him to replicate.

You are certainly not alone in this, and definitely not a bad parent. It will be a hard thing to resolve, however you choose to do it, but you can do it, and I'm sure you will.

LittleTinker

The first thing you want to be looking at is his diet.

Do you have a lot of processed foods or pre-packaged foods? Is everything cooked fresh or do you rely on frozen? Does he have fizzy pop or diet drinks at all? Is he eating plenty of fruit and veg??

It is also a good idea to give your children a very good multi-vitamin if you cannot give them the complete range of vits and mins..........we (as a Nation) have vitamin and mineral deficiencies that can affect some people more than others and can cause illness too.....especially in later life....things like Fibro and cancers.

The next step would be to concentrate on one method of disciplin and not to keep swapping and changing to different techniques. It very much sounds as though you have Dieters Syndrome, trying many different methods and claiming none work. Certain methods will work but you have to be consistent....which is the absolute key.

You can not swap and change your mind or give in when he cries or if you feel guilty because he seems so heartbroken. You need to be tough, (hence the saying 'Tough Love'), you need to be consistent, sincere and determined. Above all, you need to be a parent and not try to be a friend.

Next, you need quality time together. Dont allow the television or a computer game to do this part for you. You need to be spending time together and teaching him how to be a loving family unit. Have him help you cook tea or bake some cakes together. Play games and do jigsaws. It doesnt have to be all day long.....just once a day to make sure he is getting some special time with you.

Lastly, he needs to be in charge of a job. Maybe at the age of 4 he can set the table for teatime.

Its hard work raising kids....but well worth it in the end. Hope you get on ok.