Old Style Parenting?

carefullycautious

Boarding School.

I feel ill just reading about all this. God knows how you find the time to cope with your other 2 children.

julie03

the_cat wrote: »

Why is he able to punch you,kick you, leave marks,scratches etc? You are a full grown adult and he is a tiny little child! Restrain him! Under no circumstances, regardless of where you are or who is watching,let him do this. You are bigger and stronger than him and to let him maim you in this way is ridiculous!

this is very understandable as my son does it to me not quite to the extremes of the OPs son only today i have had a bag of potatoes thrown at me and had my arms scratched, this was because he was asked to take his netbook to the kitchen so he created when told off again this was when he started throwing things and screaming blue murder, if you disipline with violence like smacking he is worse as he sees it as if you can do it me i can do it to you.

the OPs son certainly does sound extreme and maybe has some special needs so she needs an assessment and then she can get the proper help she needs and restraining doesnt always work as this is when my son scratches and bites and this is when you let go then they go on a rampage, where they pick up or destroy the nearest things

thorsoak

I know what I'm going to say is most definitely "unacceptable" in today's society, but, imo, this little boy needs a smack! Not a beating - but he does need to know in a way that he will not forget, that this behaviour is just NOT ACCEPTABLE!

Savvy_Sue

kerrypn wrote: »

It has been noted by the children centre workers that DS does not take praise well.

kerrypn wrote: »

I have had children's workers tell me I am dealing with the behaviour correctly and as they would advise but it is not working.

I have never understood why we think that 'one size fits all' with children. DS1 also does not take praise well, and ignoring any of his behaviour which I didn't like (which is usually advised alongside that) was just hopeless: I tried it, believe me, but when he'd ground me down just one bit too far I twigged that it was FAR better to tell him very clearly (and quite loudly) that his behaviour was Not Acceptable, and that We Do Not Do That. I also didn't hold back on the vocabulary front, using long words which I didn't necessarily expect him to understand fully, but believe me, he got the message!

Ignoring tantrums from DS2 didn't work well either. Singing at him loudly while cuddling him was pretty good: he'd stop howling long enough to beg me to stop! Which I would, if he stopped howling!

DS3 was different again.

We found out later that DS1 had mild Asperger Syndrome. The recommended behaviour strategies didn't work for him, not least I think because they are based on the principle that your child wants your love and approval and will do their best to get it. Well, not all of them 'do' love and approval!

You've had a referral to CAMHS, but it's taking ages. Go back to your GP, break down and cry if you can, and beg for it to be speeded up. Ask for whatever extra help is going: your HV might be able to refer you to SureStart, HomeStart, or get a childcare student in to help.

Your grandmother knows something's wrong, I think something's wrong too. I don't know, but you might find this thread useful. It'll take a while ...

kerrypn

Thank you again for your responses.

I am sorry but I really do not want to smack, it is a personal thing to me and whilst I appreciate with some children it may be effective, I do not think I can justify smacking my child as punishment for hurting me.

The aggression tends to be on route to timeout, hence why the HV told me to stop using it. He was given a warning, then I restrained him-often effective, but he would throw his head backwards in a headbutt which resulted in a black eye.

The curtain incident is beyond me, I am not sure if it was purposeful, although I would tend to think it possibly could be as he does have significant destructive traits, so although I am not saying for definite this was not accidental, due to the other things DS does I think this was probably a reaction to having a priviledge removed before bed ( he was not allowed to crayon after tea as he threw his meal everywhere). I did not react TBH as that often resulted in an escalation and it was v late-I just put the pole back up and took the curtains out to wash.

I must sound like a terrible, terrible mother for posting this, but please know I really do try my very hardest to correct the bad behaviour and praise the good behaviour and reward him for it.

My 2 younger children are well looked after too, but I must admit it is very very hard. Luckily when DS is at school I can really spoil them with attention.

Thanks for listening to me and trying to help


ETA Thank you savvy sue I am checking out the link now, its so relieving to hear someone else's child(ren) do not respond to "recommended" routes thank you

hngrymummy

If he has these destructive moods, can you channel it outside and get it out of his system before he uses it on the house? Maybe get some large wooden building blocks and help him build a fort in the garden. He can then be the 'barbarians' attacking it and knocking it all down. Build snowmen in winter and then bombard them with snowballs. Build sandcastles at the beach and jump all over then. It might help him learn that there are fun things to do with his feelings rather than things that will get him into trouble. I used to teach dancing to 4-9 year olds. The challenge was to get the hyper ones chanelling their energy into dance rather than being naughty. They learned that we all had more fun when they did that.

kerrypn

Thank you hungry mummy, those are really good ideas, I will have a little think about how I can adapt these for my DS, thank you for such a thoughtful post, I appreciate every single person who has answered me, thank you

Savvy_Sue

kerrypn wrote: »

I must sound like a terrible, terrible mother for posting this, but please know I really do try my very hardest to correct the bad behaviour and praise the good behaviour and reward him for it.

Look, if that doesn't work, then stop it now. I found if I drew attention to DS1's good behaviour, it was a sure fire way to get him to stop!

And you are NOT a terrible terrible mother. A terrible mother wouldn't care, you obviously do!

Heck, one of my diatribes at DS1 stressed at length that I was the very best mum in the world, because NO-ONE else would put up with his behaviour, and I then went through and listed all the little friends whose mothers I thought he might think he could sneak off to, and told him very definitely that they would not put up with his behaviour, because it was Not Acceptable. And so on, and on, and on.

kerrypn wrote: »

ETA Thank you savvy sue I am checking out the link now, its so relieving to hear someone else's child(ren) do not respond to "recommended" routes thank you

You're very welcome. And I can assure you that DS1 is now a delightful young man, with his own funny little ways, still fairly lacking in empathy but he does his best! As in he now knows that there is this thing called empathy, which means you try to understand how people are feeling and respond appropriately. For example, he didn't understand WHY I was upset when we went to register my dad's death, he just accepted that I was and got the tissues ready. It's actually very useful to have someone who doesn't break down in these situations, especially if you need a map read ... Or as he would say "Empathy? Seriously over rated!"

Having said that, we had to be clear that you don't hurt other people. The 'rule' has to be put in place without the appeal to empathy: "How would you feel if your sister poked you in the eye?" That's pointless if the child can't imagine how they'd feel, they just don't know. No, the 'rule' is "We don't poke people in the eye, it hurts, we don't do it."

BTW I have a friend whose child could not be told 'No'. If you said 'No' to this child, they would kick off, really kick off, big time, hurting self and others. It can be a challenge not to use the N word, but this friend had to learn. The child is quite markedly autistic, and definitely lacks empathy. One of the things which had to be watched was any approach to a baby / toddler, because the child was fascinated by tears - shiny! So in order to get tears - well it's not hard, is it?

LilacPixie

I am a parent but my kids are just typical pains in the bum who push boundaries at every opportunity.

I also do not think smacking is appropriate, challenging a violent act with a violent act is counter productive in my experience. You do however need to make DS1 understand his behavior is inappropriate. Is there anyway you could confiscate/remove the entire contents of his room apart from the required bits like bed/bedding to get the message over that his furniture/toys/nice things are a privilege no a right and certainly are not there to be abused. They must be looked after.

Not sure how your home is set up or how it would work but I did it on a smaller scale for my DD1 who was mis-treating her toys and puzzles and gave the very clear message if you won't look after your nice things you won't get nice things. I guess the message could be respect mummy/family and your things and you get nice things.

Other than that visit your GP cry, beg, show bruises etc and beg for professional help

kerrypn

Thank you to both, I am going to ring CAHMS again in the morning to try and push things along. What is worse is the HV has now written DS off to the school nurse who hasn't met him yet, so I really only have the childrens centre, who are pushing for CAHMS.

@savvy sue-did you find that if you described what DS was doing that was more acceptable than saying "good boy" etc-as DS quite likes it when I say things like "I can see you have lined up x amount of cars and there are x amount of blue ones" etc etc