Selfish Husband- is his behaviour normal??

mrcow

We went away on holiday in a caravan earlier this year. I've been quite down this year and the break was good for all of us.

All my three children had sickness and tummy bugs and all of them messed their beds in more ways than one (if you get the picture).This was happening over a period of about four nights and the incidents were two or three per night.

Alot of the times, my boyfriend didn't even wake me up to tell me what had happened (he's a lighter sleeper than me). He just sorted it and cleaned up. Most of the times, it was both of us dealing with it.....like normal parents would. He also did ALL the washing and drying.....

......so in answer to your OP,no, as far as I'm concerned, it's not "normal behaviour".

However, on the flip side, it's very easy to let someone else get on with things if they've allowed the situation to get to that state. If you want your partner to help out, you need to help give him the responsibility so that he can learn and build a confidence in his own parenting skills.

Mips

Very selfish and not normal.

calculatethis

Hi Maggirl,

I really sympathise, my husband also does not help with my little girl when she is sick (she is now 6) and this is usually due to him being a heavy sleeper, or having a lot to drink.....if you asked your husband for help, he should take responsibility for some of the clearing up or made you a cup of tea or coffee.

I cant add any more, but I hope your little one is feeling better today, good luck with everything....

giveagiggle

maggirl wrote: »

By the way, he genuinely does not think that he has done ANYTHING wrong at all, he is just continuing as normal, he thinks that it is just me going on and on about it, and can't even be bothered discussing it. He just doesnt even think it is an issue.

I had an ex that used to enjoy getting drunk & then beat the living poo out of me & the next day, he honestly didn't think he'd done anything wrong. He finally ended up in crown court over one of the beatings & even told the judge 'I've done nothing wrong, it was her fault'!!! He got sent to prison & I was finally free of him. I know that's not quite anything like your situation but there are some people that do the most horrible things & truly don't consider them to be an issue or consider that they've done wrong. I really believed that ex of mine had a mental illness too, I believed he was suffering some form of schizophrenia because he would also when sober, suddenly change his character completely & later on, wouldn't remember anything about it or what he'd said or done. Anyway - I was sooo best rid of him.

I do wonder if your OH may have a slight depression? I see someone else here has mentioned that too & it is possible. But at the same time, you can't very well keep doing 20 things at once with one pair of hands let alone one hand. He really needs to be more considerate of you & your DD. I think you probably are feeling like there's only one option & that's to get rid, would he bother with maintenance? Are the rest of your family & your friends supportive toward you? If so, that would be a brilliant fall back if you do decide enough is enough.

You keep up your good work & don't lose any faith in yourself, you're clearly worth far more than he could give.

MrsTinks

Can only second what others have said really - if my DH was like that with our future children he'd be sleeping in the back garden!!! And he'd know he deserved it too!
My parents before they split were unusual in that it was my dad getting up in the night. My mum is a naturally VERY deep sleeper (I could jump on her when I was about 5 and I mean JUMP and she'd sleep through it...) but my dad only needs a couple of hours a night for months then crashes out for about 24 hours... he's always been like that and he was the one waking up when I was unsettled in the night or poorly. I'm like my dad in that I am a very light sleeper but like my mum in that I need OODLES of sleep
Is his off hand behaviour normal? It might be to him but that certainly doesn't make it acceptable!!!

belfastgirl23

to be honest I don't think anyone can tell you that he was wrong or right in a way. As a very heavy sleeper myself I know that I have left DH to deal with horrible situations (including drunk friend throwing up all over the bathroom, and burglars!) because I have simply not woken up enough to be aware of what is happening. I think what you want here is for us all to agree with your POV but I'm guessing your husband has a reason for thinking it's okay and in your shoes I'd want to understand that reason rather than getting into a fight about it. There's no point in having us all here as judges, it doesn't change anything.

The other thing that I think is that it's very rare for behaviour within a relationship to be entirely down to one person. You've jointly laid down patterns for who deals with what and how they deal with it. I have seen in other families a kind of negative pattern where one parent wants the other to take responsiblity but feels they have full criticism rights over how the other parent does things. The other parent does often back off in this context causing exactly the type of situation you've identified. I guess I'd just say to think about whether this might be your situation.

I guess the other thing to think about is, in the context of your relationship is he ever helpful/caring/loving. If not then you do have a problem.

hollydays

Has he always been like this?
Before you had your daughter was he loving and considerate to you then?
If you were ill,did he show you consideration?

Best piece of advice I was ever given:don't stay with someone who doesn't give you 100% respect.

It's normal to always do loving things for your partner.What does/or has he done for you?


In your first post,I don't understand why you needed to go to the laundry at 1am.Couldn't that have waited till the daytime?

Loretta

completelyspent wrote: »

I think if you have asked for help, you should be entitled to it. I don't know what your work situation is..i.e. if he is working very long hours and needs plenty of sleep but even so, not really any excuses..especially when you were on holiday-that should be a holiday for both of you.

This is a fact, when you have children you do not get any sleep and you do not have any money, it goes with the job. As the child's father he is no more entitled to sleep that OP is. OP is missing her sleep doing what has to be done, it is another fact, well almost, that children do not throw up between 9 and 5 Monday to Friday excluding bank holidays, they do it in the middle of the night or at the most inconvenient time. It is not OP's sole role in life, this child has 2 parents and sometimes these messy middle of the night things need 2 parents to get it sorted quickly so that everyone can go back to bed.

This husband needs a very firm talking to, shape up or ship out.

glossgal

I'm not excusing this guys behaviour but he sounds depressed to me. Whether he would admit is of course is another matter...

It's easy to call someone a s*** but I would look at it in context. Does he display any kind traits at all, do any nice gestures at other times? if not then agree with everyone else-get rid!

One thing though OP-calling your daughter 'my daughter' is very passive aggressive and is bit out of order imho

poet123

I think it is unacceptable behaviour as even if he is not very practical when kids are ill, the moral support is important. My DH always got up in the night when the kids were little and he was working and at that time I was a sahm, but his take was that I had them all day, so the least he could do was help out in the night if required.

But you do sound as if you panic a bit, and when it was all over I would have got into bed with DD and left the sheets soaking in the bath till the morning.

Was there an element of the martyr in going to the laundry at 1 am?;) not saying that is wrong, and TBH I can see me doing similar just to make the point,:D but not because it was necessary to do it there and then if you see what I mean.....no offence:D