Selfish Husband- is his behaviour normal??

floss2

maggirl wrote: »

.....He doesnt do any work around the house, I agree thats my fault for letting him get away with it. ....... His mum does (or did when he lived at home) do everything for him and his Dad she behaves like a complete doormat. I hope to God Im not that bad.

Maybe that's all he knows then? Especially if you haven't "trained" & changed him from the parental behaviour that he was brought up with?

Perhaps you need to sit down & discuss everything and come to an agreement about what he wants to do & what you expect him to do....?

Little_Pickle

Steel.. I am bowled over by your comments.

fantasic post.

LP
xox

yoni_one

What is his behaviour like when he is awake? Your focus seems to be on when you seek help while he is asleep, which has led to you wondering if he has a problem with deep sleep, if his behaviour is the same while awake then it would seem his level of sleep has little or nowt to do with it.

You have hinted that your partner controls you and your daughter through dismissing your needs and shouting at her, so much so you end up wondering if it is YOU being the problem causer. If he is abusing his power and control in your relationship this could be yet another form of Domestic Abuse (psychological and emotional) and as such entitle you to support from your local DV & Abuse agency like Women's Aid. It might be worth giving them a call or making an appointment to run your circumstances by them and see what they say, try www.womensaid.org.uk to find your local one.

Aternatively, you could try and access either joint or single counselling at Relate - http://www.relate.org.uk/wantadvice/

But just to give you further validation, his behaviour as you have described it is not reasonable, however you have a choice of whether you continue to accept it or not whereas he has the choice of whether he will change it or not - and neither of you can make the choice for the other.

swiss69

"I always view her as "mine" as I think she is. I never feel he deservs her,"

This comment is a bit worrying for me. I am male and think that sometimes a man can feel completely pushed out. I have seen some women change completely when they have a child and are completely over the top and possessive. It is like the child is the only thing that matters in the world now and having a child was their achievement - nobody elses. This may sound a bit harsh and no doubt will attract criticism but if you behave like your daughter is just yours and give off vibes that he doesnt deserve her then this may go some way to explaining his behaviour. If for example you take all the glory for the good bits then he may expect you to deal with all the bad bits too.

brownbabygirl

Steel wrote: »

Just a couple of thoughts:

How is the housework and childrearing, and paid employment split between you and hubby? If you're at home and he works all day, does he consider his fair share to bring in the money and you do the rest?

What was the pattern he was brought up with? Did his mum do everything for him and his dad nothing? Could he be simply emulating the pattern he observed through childhood?

My husband used to do this - he would insist that it isn't right for the two of us to both work and only me to do all the housework etc, that it should be shared, but he doesn't do it. I sat down and pointed all this stuff out to him and said his actions don't match his !!!!!!!! words. Over the days that followed I made whistful remarks about my happy, carefree single life was and started laughing about all the things I got up to before I met him. I came home soon after that and discovered the washing done and dinner being cooked.

He's still needs a prod now and then, but it's much, much better. I realise this may not work for everyone, especially when there are children involved, but once a "lazy" man has you, they know you will put up with a hell of a lot before you leave so they have no incentive to do anything. It's only when they fear losing you things change.

BUT

I accepted I had a role to play in how things have worked out and so must you. It was very difficult for me to do that. I am a very capable women and showed this by taking over and doing everything, just like his mum did. I set the pattern up again for him. I like a clean house so I'd work myself to a frazzle getting it that way. Then he'd come along and mess it up. I'd stomp around putting it straight.

Bottom line, if you do everything, no matter how much you complain you need help, they take it as a sign you are just whinging and can cope really.

Think about it: despite needing his help, you coped. You didn't march into the bedroom, plop a filthy child on his sleeping form and say "Hang on to her dear while I sort her room out." You didn't go in there, whack him round the head with a book and say "Oi! Are you deaf or something?" You coped. You did it without his help.

If you want his help, sometimes you have to be willing to fail and let him take over. For some men, that's the only time when they get off their backsides and do something. They feel useful, like they are very important because they've arrived to rescue you.

Sometimes you have to work with that, rather than against it.

SPOT ON.:T
To summarize: we teach people the way they treat us

maggirl

He is quite helpful around her when he is awake, but only now she is older, he does help with some stuff, like reading to her and playing with her, I think the problem is when he is sleepy or tired.

Ok maybe I was wrong to say I thought of her as mine but sometimes I feel like a single parent!

I dont take back anything I said about him being selfish tho.

pinkpong

Sound like my husband, he never helped infackt the opposite. When my youngest one was screaming in the night (from 0 up to 7years old)and he did that most nights and days , he would run in his bedroom and beat him up & shout in his face. I had to physicaly stand in the doorway and block him ( he would never hit me though). I got very depressed and spent 3 years on antidepresants as I just could not sleep , eat or relax. I lots 3 stones in 3 months, I used to dream of killing myself. I know you`ll think I should have left, but it is very hard when they keep telling that you are no good and lazy etc.. Kids was classed as my job!
Once I left for a short holiday and he had to cope with the kids, this opened his eyes for a bit.

What I am trying to say that your hubby is unlikely to change if you leave him be like this, you will never get any help. You going on short hols. and leaving him with you DD might make him realise what`s involved. Most men don`t see things needs to be done they have to be told, obviously politly.

I found that I have to come up infront of him, ask him and stand there untill he does something.
There are some lovely men who do anything for their lovely wife, but I haven`t worked out yet ,how to get mine to do nice things for me. Perhaps I need a plastick surgery and blond hair, I am OK with boobs.

I hope you get your life sorted and be happier.

veryskint_3

I agree with some others on here, your little one will pick up the behaviour you husband is displaying and will end up going down the same route. Tell him to p*** off there are some decent ones out there. Im snding you and your little one big hugs

veryskint_3

pinkpong wrote: »

Sound like my husband, he never helped infackt the opposite. When my youngest one was screaming in the night (from 0 up to 7years old)and he did that most nights and days , he would run in his bedroom and beet him up shout in his face. I had to physicaly stand in the doorway and block him ( he would never hit me though). I got very depressed and spent 3 years on antidepresants as I just could not sleep , eat or relax. I lots 3 stones in 3 months, I used to dream of killing myself. I know you`ll think I should have left, but it is very hard when they keep telling that you are no good and lazy etc.. Kids was classed as my job!
Once I left for a short holiday and he had to cope with the kids, this opened his eyes for a bit.

What I am trying to say that your hubby is unlikely to change if you leave him be like this, you will never get any help. You going on short hols. and leaving him with you DD might make him realise what`s involved. Most men don`t see things needs to be done they have to be told, obviously politly.

I found that I have to come up infromnt of him, ask him and stand there untill he does something.
There are some lovely men who do anything for their lovely wife, but I haven`t worked out yet ,how to get mine to do nice things for me. Perhaps I need a plastick surgery and blond hai, I am OK with boos.

I hope you get your life sorted and be happier.

You have just got to kiss quite a few frogs before you find a prince:rotfl:

jackiegibbo

When i read maggirls post it brought back lots of memories for me,many of them very similar.I felt that i was doing all the work and i had the ultimate selfish hubby!!!
However looking back now nearly 9yrs later i can see that having a baby is a very very stressful time for everyone in the house and we just werent prepared for the complete shock of it all.
I became totally involved with my baby and looking back now i can see that i pushed hubby away completely to begin with(without realising as i was looking after megan),but couldnt work out why he didnt want to do any jobs for me:rolleyes:
Im a very house proud person and as well as looking after megan and keeping the house i was also working as a postie and felt that i was doing it all completely alone.But now i can see thats because i was doing it all myself and coping fine with it all.
After a while though i started to realise that some things can wait for another day and somethings hubby can do.;) .
He definitely wont clean up vomit because he would just be sick himself and id have to clean that too!!
But he will do the washing up if asked although he says "i will do it later" whereas i would prefer it done straight away,ive learned to leave it and he does get up and do it;)
I think when i started to go off to butlins with megan and my friends for weekend breaks and he was left behind he didnt like that and hes much much better now

Apologies if this seems long winded i just felt it was an interesting post and wanted to give my past experiences:D