Selfish Husband- is his behaviour normal??

PasturesNew

The thing I find that stands out from the OP is "MY little girl". There's no sense of joint ownership there at all.

Was the pregnancy discussed/planned?
Did you involve him in the earlier years?

Quite often blokes feel useless and unwanted when it comes to kids.

hollydays

When i had my first child,my husband wasn't great with the night time stuff,but i was. Therefore he would then help out in the daytime.This is what loving partners do.
The effect of someone constantly treating you badly can have very damaging effects on your self esteem.You can start to believe " it must be my fault " or " I am useless,no-one else will love me",it's the start of how abused women (and men ) feel.
If anyone had the right to be depressed it is you.

moo2moo

My OH steers well clear of vomit. The slightest whiff and he pukes too. Its far easier to clear up the smelly side of things with him sound asleep than it is to attempt to clear up around him with his head down the loo. Saying that if I'm not there then he will attempt to clear up although the end result usually isn't pretty. Hes never ever objected to having a small clammy child shoved under the duvet with him though. Regardless of how tired he is. Thats part of being a parent. The same way that he will sit in the bathroom with the puker in the bath at 3am because they need comforting whilst I clear up the scene of the crime. He too is a heavy sleeper but hes also their dad. If I wake him during the night its because he is really needed and he will do whatever is needed.

The OPs OH is selfish and lazy. I wouldn't put up with him!

paula65

You said that your husband had been in a bad mood all day and went to bed early, could it be that your daughter picked up his vibes and she was in fact in distress herself because of this and not infact ill, as such. Kids aren't daft and pick up when two people are not getting along. I think you have to think about your kid and how this awful relationship is going to effect her long term. Get rid, there are some wonderful blokes out there. My second husband was sent from the angels and took my two kids on and we've had two more since and he can't do enough :A

Scout

Hi maggirl

Haven't read all the posts but just wanted to let you know that my ex husband was very similar to yours. Not quite as bad to be honest, but not so far off in many respects. My divorce came through very recently and it's the best thing I did.

He still thinks he is the best thing on 2 legs and I will be at a complete loss without him. He even asks how I will manage without him in the house, with 2 littlies to look after. I just say I have been used to doing everything for me and the kids for years, so what will be new, except i won't have his stinking mass cluttering the place up!! Ah well, his new gf will soon suss him for the lazy pig he really is :rotfl:

Only you can decide what you want out of your relationship, but hard as it is to be single, it's a damn site harder being married when your OH is like that. All the best to you and your daughter.

rchddap1

Just want to add my shock and horror to the actions of your hubby. For what its worth I know for a fact my OH would get up and do something. One night we were staying over at my parents and my 4 yea old nephew was staying over too. He made a mess overnight and of course the little lad looked the grandparents to help him.

Hearing the struggle OH got up an promptly took him away to clean him up, and play with him a bit to calm him down. Whilst grandparents sorted the bed out.

But different men are just that different. Only you know whether he is giving you what you need. Have to admit though...if he did that to me on hols his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

Be honest to yourself and you will find the answer you seek.

maggirl

Hi, I had to go to the laundry as we were checking out the next day (by 9.30am) and didnt want to leave the bed covered in 1s and 2s. I suppose I was in a panic to get the bedding off the bed, that was because it was in such a state.

Im just gobsmacked by his attitude. When I mentioned it again, yesterday, he said "well you didnt say you needed any help....." ........so what was I shouting you for then, dear husband??????

Anyway thanks everyone,

RoxieW

My hubby doesnt get up in the night to help. One particular incident that sticks in mind is when our oldest was a baby - he's been screaming for ages and I begged OH to help me as i could feel myself getting angry and frustrated. He simply got up and went to sleep downstairs leaving me sobbing my heart out with the screaming little one. I've never felt more alone or hated OH more. He's reasoning is that he had to get up for work the next day.
I bring it up from time to time as he feels thoroughly ashamed of it now. I think he needed to grow up. Baby number 3 is on its way and he's adamant he'll help more than he did with the other 2. Time will tell though.

Just edited to say that i let it go because I love him and he has lots of other redeeming features. Non of us are perfect and I dont believe you can change a person - only they can do that. We'll see if my OH has changed soon enough but I'm not holding my breath. I guess you can either accept the person as they are or give them marching orders.

Steel_2

Just a couple of thoughts:

How is the housework and childrearing, and paid employment split between you and hubby? If you're at home and he works all day, does he consider his fair share to bring in the money and you do the rest?

What was the pattern he was brought up with? Did his mum do everything for him and his dad nothing? Could he be simply emulating the pattern he observed through childhood?

My husband used to do this - he would insist that it isn't right for the two of us to both work and only me to do all the housework etc, that it should be shared, but he doesn't do it. I sat down and pointed all this stuff out to him and said his actions don't match his !!!!!!!! words. Over the days that followed I made whistful remarks about my happy, carefree single life was and started laughing about all the things I got up to before I met him. I came home soon after that and discovered the washing done and dinner being cooked.

He's still needs a prod now and then, but it's much, much better. I realise this may not work for everyone, especially when there are children involved, but once a "lazy" man has you, they know you will put up with a hell of a lot before you leave so they have no incentive to do anything. It's only when they fear losing you things change.

BUT

I accepted I had a role to play in how things have worked out and so must you. It was very difficult for me to do that. I am a very capable women and showed this by taking over and doing everything, just like his mum did. I set the pattern up again for him. I like a clean house so I'd work myself to a frazzle getting it that way. Then he'd come along and mess it up. I'd stomp around putting it straight.

Bottom line, if you do everything, no matter how much you complain you need help, they take it as a sign you are just whinging and can cope really.

Think about it: despite needing his help, you coped. You didn't march into the bedroom, plop a filthy child on his sleeping form and say "Hang on to her dear while I sort her room out." You didn't go in there, whack him round the head with a book and say "Oi! Are you deaf or something?" You coped. You did it without his help.

If you want his help, sometimes you have to be willing to fail and let him take over. For some men, that's the only time when they get off their backsides and do something. They feel useful, like they are very important because they've arrived to rescue you.

Sometimes you have to work with that, rather than against it.

maggirl

I dont think he ever thinks I would leave him!

He doesnt do any work around the house, I agree thats my fault for letting him get away with it. But this is his child we are talking about and I am having doubts about how much he cares for her. He shouts at her a lot when she does things wrong, she is only 4 but I think he expects her to behave like a much older child. His mum does (or did when he lived at home) do everything for him and his Dad she behaves like a complete doormat. I hope to God Im not that bad.