Am I being 'Out of order'?

mrcow

TITEASCRAMP wrote: »

I think if you know the family history in full, you may feel different. But I see your point.

The family history is nothing to do with you. It's not your family and you don't sit as judge and jury.

TITEASCRAMP

mrcow wrote: »

The family history is nothing to do with you. It's not your family and you don't sit as judge and jury.

I meant history that I have been involved with. I have been part of his family for 20years.
And after all what has gone on,. I do think its a lot to ask. Its a lot of money to ask.

newcook

TITEASCRAMP wrote: »

5 years ago they didnt know that I had been crying.

If you had been crying for 2 weeks the red eyes would be a dead giveaway (not to mention the amount of tissue you would have gone through )

TITEASCRAMP wrote: »

Maybe I am childish, lol Which comments did you think were? I think if you know all the in's and outs you may have a different view.

newcook wrote: »

you are angry because it was SIL that decided to speak to you rather than the other way around, you say you hated where you went on holiday and spent it in tears because people didn’t include you .

TITEASCRAMP wrote: »

This bit maybe harsh dh could go without me, but dd isnt. She wouldnt go without me anyway.

even if DD wouldn’t go without you why wouldn’t you let her go? You said in your first post that DD wasn’t to blame so why use her as an additional pawn to marr her wedding day? Is it because you know how hurt she will be if you said DD wont be your flowergirl?

Either all go to the wedding and pretend to have a good time or continue to play your face (as my dad would say) and carry on not speaking to her.

Regardless of whats been said in the past she is trying to make it up to you all - why not sit down and have a chat with her about how not speaking for 5 years has been really upsetting. She only lives 2 minutes away…

Hope you get it all sorted

mymatebob

The two sort of views seem to be (and excuse me if I have over simplified or got this wrong)

SIL has held out an olive branch to you and your family. You can grab it, forget past differences and look to the future where you will be one big happy family. Go to the wedding in good spirit, let DD be flower girl, spend some money but enjoy yourself.

Or....

SIL has asked you DD to be flower girl for sake of OH/MIL. The olive branch is merely a token gesture with no real substance behind it. You can go to the wedding in a foul mood resent everything and everyone view the whole thing with suspicion.


Me - I wouldn't go, but then I do hold lifetime grudges against people.
Not proud of it but it is not in my nature to forgive and forget and that's what it all comes down.

What will the consequences of your actions be - long term, between you and OH and DD.

Only you can decide

(Not helpful - sorry)

Pattybarndance

Poor you!!

This is what I would do (not knowing the family history etc.).

I would go and hold my head up high and be sweet and charming to everyone, enjoy yourself, pretend that nothing matters to you, show that you can deal with anything that life throws at you. At the very least, your DH, DD & MIL will be very proud of you.

Good Luck in your decision.

mrcow

TITEASCRAMP wrote: »

I meant history that I have been involved with. I have been part of his family for 20years.
And after all what has gone on,. I do think its a lot to ask. Its a lot of money to ask.

You sound as if you have already made up your mind tbh.

For what it's worth......I think you are doing the wrong thing and making a massive error of judgement and it's going to be hard to dig out of it in the years to come.

I know all about family rifts (you wouldn't even want me to start as we'd be here all day - but some of the things I've been called would turn the air blue....let alone the stuff they've done to each other!) but I also understand that you can't escape family, especially a partner's family. If I could go considering the history that I've had over the past 12 years, I'm more than sure that you could!

TITEASCRAMP

newcook wrote: »

If you had been crying for 2 weeks the red eyes would be a dead giveaway (not to mention the amount of tissue you would have gone through )







even if DD wouldn’t go without you why wouldn’t you let her go? You said in your first post that DD wasn’t to blame so why use her as an additional pawn to marr her wedding day? Is it because you know how hurt she will be if you said DD wont be your flowergirl?

Either all go to the wedding and pretend to have a good time or continue to play your face (as my dad would say) and carry on not speaking to her.

Regardless of whats been said in the past she is trying to make it up to you all - why not sit down and have a chat with her about how not speaking for 5 years has been really upsetting. She only lives 2 minutes away…

Hope you get it all sorted

Thanks - I dont think dd would want to do it on the day. I thinks she would be too shy.
I honestly am not using dd as a pawn. She hasnt mentioned being a flower girl once since xmas. I think shes forgot or doesnt know what one is or isnt bothered.
If I rang her (i dont even have her number though). It would just cause more greif, I know her. Then mil would be on saying how I'd upset her daughter.
Thanks I havent made my mind up, and I am worrying about it. Its a year away too.

newcook

I thought wedding was this year!! in that case then you have plenty of time to build bridges and get things aired and sorted - you are both adults and can (I'd imagine) sort it out properly.
Im sure you can get hold of her number some how, maybe MIL? invite her around for a bottle of wine and even approach the subject as 'its such a shame we didnt speak for so long - what was it all about anyway' and try and laugh about the situation.

TITEASCRAMP

newcook wrote: »

I thought wedding was this year!! in that case then you have plenty of time to build bridges and get things aired and sorted - you are both adults and can (I'd imagine) sort it out properly.
Im sure you can get hold of her number some how, maybe MIL? invite her around for a bottle of wine and even approach the subject as 'its such a shame we didnt speak for so long - what was it all about anyway' and try and laugh about the situation.

I feel to annoyed with her to laugh it off as sillyness. She started not speaking and the way she treated dd was awful. Its best I smile and say nothing cos if I started i know it would make matters worse.
Now we are speaking it would be then my fault for bringing it up again.:o

Mojisola

Is the reason your OH won't discuss the problem is because he's "pig in the middle"? He's got you on one side obviously not wanting anything to do with the wedding and his mother and family on the other side. Whatever he decides, he's going to be in trouble - possibly for years. I'm beginning to feel sorry for him!

While I can understand your feelings and sympathise, in the same situation I would have to go to wedding for his sake.

On the brighter side - if the wedding is a year off yet, anything might happen. Plan and save as if you're going and if it all falls apart you'll have the money to do something for your family.