Am I being 'Out of order'?

Magpye

I'll approach this from a different angle. Don't go.

You obviously dislike or still have rancorous feelings towards your SIL. You don't want to be at the wedding for whatever reason. Do not go to the wedding if you cannot hide this adequately and grin and bear it. If your husband and little girl want to go then let them go, and you stay at home...

I was married abroad and my own 'dear' SIL decided to cause as much trouble as possible, interfering in the flower arrangements, my bridesmaid's hair - she even caused problems with MIL and FIL - and my DH has never forgiven his parents or his sister for that. Her attitude was that she wanted as much of the attention as possible.

This is you SIL's big day, no matter how you feel about her, I am sure you do not want to be perceived as or remembered for causing trouble at her wedding - not that I imply you would do this on purpose, but having someone there who is patently not enjoying their experiences can put a real damper on proceedings for all the guests as well as the principles.

Just some thoughts...

ooobedoo

I would have to sit her down and ask her why she ignored me for yrs. I think I would invite her round and show photo's od DD for all the years she ignored...and then ask her what is was that you did.

There is no way that I would pay out and go, Did MIL not know or let on what you were meant to have done.

TITEASCRAMP

ooobedoo wrote: »

I would have to sit her down and ask her why she ignored me for yrs. I think I would invite her round and show photo's od DD for all the years she ignored...and then ask her what is was that you did.

There is no way that I would pay out and go, Did MIL not know or let on what you were meant to have done.

Mil more of less pretended it wasnt happening. Obviously what happened on holiday was still an issue. They just pretended to be friends again because our car was on gatwick car pk and they needed a lift back to Manchester. We chatted like normal all the way home. Then she never called again. I sent her birthday card she never sent any of us one and so it started.

GlennTheBaker

Sod her.

Why spend hard-earned cash doing something you don't want to for the sake of someone you don't like? Involving your daughter in the way she did is pretty unforgivable. Let her have her big day.

Incidentally, I got married abroad last year and myself and Mrs Baker invited just our immediate family and close friends - there were about 24 of us in total. We chose Prague because (a) We love it and (b) Both us and our guests could get there and stay there very cheaply. We honestly expected a few people to not come (and would have totally understood if they hadn't) but everyone we invited did come and it was absolutely fantastic. Everyone had a great weekend away and they still talk about it whenever we meet up.

January20

I am wondering why your sil is now talking to you again? I wonder what she is expecting - a nice expensive wedding present? Lots of guests at her wedding so she looks popular?

Honestly, if it were me I would find it very difficult to forgive and forget the way she treated me but I would find it impossible to ignore the way she treated dd. I would want an explanation.

The trouble is that you dh sounds like he wants to go but doesn't want to upset you. Why don't you suggest to him that he and dd go without you (as at least if he decides not to go it won't be your fault and he won't be able to resent you). Invent some kind of excuse if necessary. Better spend some time at home on your own than be miserable in a place you don't want to be for somebody who has obviously deeply hurt you. Nothing wrong with being selfish once in a while. And you might even show your sil that she cannot manipulate you.

Have you given any thought to what your sil's attitude will be towards you after the wedding? will she still be talking to you or ignoring you again?

Theogirl_2

Hi, I think you should probably go. Not for her especially but for your husband and his parents (who it seems you get on well with). The thing is, how will these people respond if you don't go?

My bro is getting married (2nd time) somewhere v expensive to get to as the bride is from there and to be honest I don't particularly what to spend all our spare cash for the year with no other holiday on this trip. However my family would be very hurt if I didn't attend though my bro would prob understand. Family is important and you can be the bigger person here (she may never have got your card, who knows). I have drawn the line at my lo being a flower girl as I think it is alot of pressure on a lo. I said it in a nice way though so as not the hurt feelings, it was a nice thought.

TITEASCRAMP

Thanks for all you advice.

bubbles65

I wouldnt want husband or daughter to go , your SIL is a manipulator ( asking daughter to be flower girl is designed to split YOUR family ). If they go without you, SIL wins as she probably doesnt want you there anyway and she will rapidly go back to ignoring your husband,who is too soft for words.

UglyBetty

This isn't about the money, although obviously it is going to cost a tidy sum if you go. You have clearly thought about it a lot and the fact that the previous argument was not properly resolved is down to both yourself and your SIL. It obviously still rankles with you & I suspect you felt quite upset about it for a long time. It is often difficult after such a long time to bring up an old disagreement so where does that leave you?

Your SIL has invited you to the wedding and has been acting in a courteous manner. It may be her way of putting the past behind her. You are also in the great position of being able to demonstrate to your daughter and your husband & his family how generous in spirit you can be by accepting the invitation graciously. If you turn it down because of an old battle, it would seem unreasonable. How would you explain that to your daughter and wouldn't it be better to model how people should try to get along, even when the other person has behaved unreasonably in the past.
If you accept it's a win win situation. You get a holiday (wedding is only one day after all), you appear to be mature and kind (which I'm sure you are otherwise you would not have worried about refusing) & don't bear grudges.
You can't lose if you accept (don't do confrontations on the wedding holiday tho), but if you refuse you have an awful lot to lose.

TITEASCRAMP

I honestly dont want to stay for a holiday. I hated the place. The two weeks we were there 5 yrs ago were awful. I had the worst holiday of my life there. I cried most of it. I felt left out by all the family sil, bf mil, fil. I vowed I would never set foot in that country again. The thought of it makes me feel really sad. So I dont want to turn it into a holiday.
I also dont want dh and dd to go without me. I would miss her too much.:o