Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

pandas66

rose tinted glasses and we all have them!

vik6525

at the moment i have rose tinted glasses and rose wine! im very pink!

pandas66

enjoy your night, stay and play on here a while, come into the arms area there are some nice games and nice peeps to chat and laugh with

vik6525

oooooo.... ive never been there! i thought as i was having a glass or two of wine, and ive got the house to myself, id do my boring paper work and pay some bills on line... takes my mind off things!

pandas66

As you like............(what?, have a laugh woman)


but click on the arms section, read a few jokes, have a virtual drink in the pub and an hour or 2 will whizz

vik6525

like i said, i never get the house to myself! ive had to switch my phone off too cause my friends are ringing and texting every two seconds! if im sensible, but getting a tadge merry, then my night will fly by! mainly cause ill be passed out drunk by ten! lol

vik6525

Well... I have no resolve, and my curiosity got the better of me... i opened the letter. rather than it being a 'hearts and flowers' load of crap that i thought it would be, its actually quite an insightful read. its not a whole bunch of excuses or a whole load of 'i love yous' its a letter about his upbringing, his life, his ex partner, and finally about our relationship. there seems to be a lot he hasnt told me about his childhood, and a hell of a lot he never told me about his relationship with his last girlfriend. He's written a lot too about his mother (as i said, she is excessively overbearing and controlling, even now), and about his (lack of) relationship with his father. He hasnt made excuses, it just seems that hes got a lot of things, that maybe he bottles up, out in the open.

vik6525

He wants to come round today to 'talk'....

rchddap1

Haven't commented up until now, but have just spent some time going through the whole thread. Whether he just got comfortable with the 'status quo', expected you to take charge and sort things, or just couldn't be bothered....I don't know. Whatever his reasons he needs to change.

Have to be honest and say that if I were you....and was presented with a bunch of flowers after such a row I'd have thrown them back in his face exclaiming how a few gifts isn't going to solve the problem.

It also doesn't matter what happened to him in the past. All that matters is what happens now. What sort of person he is like now. How much you love (or don't love) each other now. A bad childhood, an overbearing mother, and an alcoholic dad doesn't mean that he has to be the way he is.

Lots of people have similar or worse upbringing / parents and treat their partners & their kids far better.

My partner never had a relationship with his Dad. He deserted him when he was only 5. But that doesn't mean he doesn't know how to be a proper partner / dad. As a result he made a promise to himself that he'd always be there for his kids and his family. He has 2 kids from previous relationships....with whom he has a brilliant relationship, and we have one on the way ourselves. He has been my little star throughout the pregnancy so far ... brings me breakfast, sorts my lunch, sorts tea, washes up, tidies up, does the washing, deals with situations I don't feel able to, puts up with my pregnancy mood swings, gives me cuddles when I erupt into floods of tears, etc.... (No he's not for sale!)

Before you agree to talk to him I'd suggest that you have to work out what it is you want. From the relationship, from him, for yourself, and importantly for your child. You can't let him 'talk' his way back in .... because things will end up just the same as before.

Its also important that when you do talk to him (or if you talk to him) that you are 100% honest with each other. If you're not sure if you love him ... tell him so. If you feel un-loved, and essentially an employed house maid ... tell him so. No-one can fix problems if they don't know about them.

If you do decide to give it another go with him I would emphasise the need to go very slowly. You need to know that things won't be the same as they have been over the past 3 years or so. He will have to prove this to you the hard way. This is going to take time, and in my mind means that sleeping over, or moving back in is a definate no at the moment.

If you decide you don't want him around any more ... then tell him that and show him the door. This is your life, and your child's life. You allow into that life the people you like / love. You are the one in control.

Don't feel presured into doing something you're not ready for. If you're not ready to talk ... tell him that you need some space to think and that you'll contact him when you are ready to listen to him.

You do what you think is right for yourself and your child. Whatever that means.

vik6525

Hi guys! just thought i'd let you know that he's gone. him, his stuff, everything. Thanks so much for all your support, I can honestly say that its because of everyone who gave me advice on here that i finally found the guts to end it. There was so much more that had happened during the 3 years, which, realistically i should never have forgiven him for, but coming on here, and talking to you lot, gave me the strength i needed. thank you....xxxxxxxxxxx vik xxxxxxxxxxxxx