Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

Jet

I think a break would be a good idea for both of you.

This guy sounds neglectful and a bit lazy. I honestly believe that being neglected is one of the worst things a human being can do to another.

Look how the "naughty step" works in disciplining children. It's far more effective than smacking.

Anybody who respected you, would not treat you like this. Do you want to be in the same "place" in 10 years time?

He needs to change. For your emotional well being, you need him to change or to be free of him.

vik6525

Jet wrote:

I think a break would be a good idea for both of you.

This guy sounds neglectful and a bit lazy. I honestly believe that being neglected is one of the worst things a human being can do to another.

Look how the "naughty step" works in disciplining children. It's far more effective than smacking.

Anybody who respected you, would not treat you like this. Do you want to be in the same "place" in 10 years time?

He needs to change. For your emotional well being, you need him to change or to be free of him.

i thinkk whats really made me realise we need a break is the fact that for the first time in yonks i went out without him last night. i was with a mixture of my friends and mutual friends, and at the end of the night, one of my ohs oldest and best friends turned to me and said 'jeez vik, i didnt realise what a good laugh you are when you're out', and at that point i thought 'do you know what, i am!' When we first met, I was outgoing, flirty, silly and daft. i feel like all thats gone out of me since ive been with him, that ive become doudy, and depressed and half dead. Last night made me feel like the 'real' me again...

chocomonsta

You are going to have to be really strong. It must be quite scary for you thinking that you may have to go it alone for a while, but if you stand back and look at yourself you are already 'going it alone' with the added hassle of looking after your other half.

It must not be too nice for your little one either, with the atmosphere as it is.

Be brave and make him go back to his own flat. He is sucking the life out of you and that is not good. It sounds like he doesnt want to change so theres only you can do it.

I really feel for you because I am in a similar situation myself and am too scared to take my own advice. I too used to be bubbly and interesting and fun and now I sit in night after night on my own while my husband goes to the pub. If he had his own place to go to that would make it much easier. Whereas now if we split up, we would have to sell the house etc and that would upset my 16 year old son. However, I just think do I really want to go on like this for the next 30 to 40 years.

When my son is settled I will do something but I dont suppose that will be for the next few years yet

Sorry to go on, but just to let you know that you are not the only one taken for granted

Hugs to you take care xx Chocs

black-saturn

God theres so many of you all suffering. Here's some statistics:

Myths around domestic violence - some questions answered:

Myth: Domestic violence is about couples getting into a brawl on Saturday night, beating each other up and disrupting the neighbourhood.

Fact: In domestic assaults one partner is beating, intimidating and terrorizing the other. It is one person dominating and controlling the other.

Myth: Domestic violence is usually a one-time event, an isolated incident.

Fact: Abuse against a partner is an ongoing pattern of behaviour. It may get worse and more frequent over a period of time. There may also be a 'honeymoon phase' or a time of remorse, before the tension builds again and another crisis points is reached.

Myth: When there is violence in the family, all members are participating in the dynamic and, therefore, all must change for the violence to stop.

Fact: Only the perpetrator has the ability to stop the violence. Abuse is a behavioural choice. Changes in family members' behaviour will not cause or influence the abuser to be non-violent.

Myth: Only children directly experiencing violence are harmed by growing up in an abusive household.

Fact: Children regardless of whether they have experienced abuse directly, are affected by violence in the home. Children who witness or fear abuse display the same emotional responses as children who have been physically and emotionally abused.

Myth: Victims provoke their abusers or 'know the buttons to push'.

Fact: Abusers become violent for internal reasons which are not due to any particular action the victim takes or has taken. Abusers choose to behave in this way.

Myth: Once an abuser always an abuser.

Fact: " Abusive behaviour " is learned behaviour that can be unlearned. However behavioural changes require intervention - it is unlikely an abuser can change by sheer willpower.

Myth: Isn't domestic violence just all about hitting? Surely emotional abuse isn't that bad.

Fact: People who have been abused in several ways often say that it was the emotional abuse that had an effect on them. Being constantly undermined, criticized and humiliated can turn a confident person into someone who is nervous and anxious.

Myth: Abused women can always just leave.

Fact: There are many factors restraining women from leaving violent relationships these include: Economic dependence, staying because of the children, fear of reprisals, lack of knowledge and access to help, social isolation, emotional dependence, and shame.

Jet

I've just had a look at the website - http://emotional-abuse.tripod.com and it's really interesting reading.

I think emotional abuse is probably one of the last taboos in our society.

vik6525

hes staying tonight, and going in the morning.

KittyKate

I hope you don't feel too sad, and feel strong because you are. It's a cliche but tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - here's to having a tidier house, less stressful life and a lower elecricity bill (now the PC can be switched off )

Remember you always have this place full of people willing to listen

pandas66

send you a (((((((((((hig))))))))))))


and I hope tomorrow is gentle on all of you...xx

Dormouse

I can't give you any advice, sorry, but the analytical side of me is thinking, why has your relationship come to this? You mentioned that it was a good relationship once - what's changed? He was obviously a nicer person when you met, and something in him made you fall in love with him?

Was he as addicted to his games when you met?

I mean, nobody's relationship stays exactly the same as in the first flush of love, but why has it changed so drastically in your case?

hobo28

Goodness! I thought I was hooked on games but I never brought them to bed!!!!!

Good luck for the future.