Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

KittyKate

I know a guy similar to this. He can see there IS a problem, but he sticks his head in the sand by going on the internet until it goes away or until his partner stops nagging him about it. If anyone asks him whats wrong or tries to discuss how they feel about his behaviour he gets sarcastic, slightly aggressive and sulks silently.

I'd try the shock tactic. Pack a bag and take your child to a friend or relatives whilst he's at work. Make him see how it is to be lonely. If he doesn't make an effort to get you back...stay where you are!

wigginsmum

To put it simply, leave. I doubt he'll notice, my dear.

Prudent

vik6525 wrote:

thats the problem you see. i told him last night how i feel, and if i dare to critisise him he sulks for days. he came home today, as usual, but hes just gone straight upstairs, and refuses to talk about how upset i am. if its not 'him' with the problem, then, as far as hes concerned, there simply is no problem..

I know that one .. I have been there. It is about control on his part. By sulking he's withdrawing the very love and affection you crave. He hopes that by withdrawing this you will give into him.

sparklymessygirl

Hi there,

I really feel for you - it sounds very depressing.

Can you give it one last big effort before making a decision? Then you will know that you have done everything you can. Sometimes couples get used to behaving in a certain way and it is scary to change (I think especially so for a man).

Maybe you could arrange a family day out - tell him what he's doing and when to be there and go all out for a fun time, or a meal with just the two of you where you can perhaps reminisce about happier times (like a holiday or something or some party) or a weekend away out of your everyday humdrum lives. This might jog him out of his rut?

What if you were really tactile with him? Say he came home from the shop and you said - come here and give me a hug...I need a hug...or something like that? This probably feels like an enormous step and may seem a bit of an odd thing to do when you feel so hurt but it may just loosen something in him?

I hope this doesn't sound like any criticism of you - you really do deserve more -
All the best
Sparkly xx

tru

Talk to him again, this time picking your words very carefully, instead of saying "you make me feel like........" say "I feel..............".

And don't say "you", say "we".

Some men - oh OK, most men LOL - think we're blaming them when we're not. And they need us to point out the obvious because they just don't notice things :rolleyes:

dwsjarcmcd

Do you want to be with him in your heart? Answer this and you will know what to do. You only get one life, don't waste it (had to answer this question myself about 4 years ago, and so glad I did)

Best of luck!

vik6525

hi! ok, so i tried to talk to him again last night, but again, cause he doesnt have a problem, he simply cant see that there is one. I told him that everything could have been resolved in 2 seconds if he'd have just given me a couple of words of reassurance, and a hug, but instead, its sunday now and hes still sulking. i honestly dont know what to do. i feel so upset and down. on the one hand, i dont want to throw away the 3 1/2 years we've been together, but on the other hand, i just cant go on like this.

pandas66

I feel for you vik6525, when faced with somone who doesn't have a problem with how life is being lived but you.............. do then its your problem I'm afraid!
You can't make him see your problem either, you have to work out what you want. Whether its to accept he is happy with the status quo or you and your son would be happier moving on, its your call now, sorry for you.

sparklymessygirl

Vik,

Can you go away for a few days (with your child) and let him stew on his own for a bit? You don't have to say you are leaving or anything- just say you fancy a bit of a change of scene....he might miss you or you might get some perspective and be able to make a decision..
Sparkly

homersimpson_3

He runs his own business, which is only a shop (so its not like hes digging roads for a living or anything!), comes in from work at 5.15 every day, sits down and that it!

running a shop can be just as tiring (if not more tiring) than manual/physical work such as digging roads- you can be on your feet all day- serving customers, stocking shelves, deaing with deliveries etc. if he does run own business this involves alot of responsibility and can involve endless paperwork. i don't do manual work but some days i can home from work and all i want to do is flop in front of the telly- particularly if day is stressful- i just want peace and quiet and time to unwind.
if business successful it is arguably down to his efforts and perharps he considers he desrves some peace and quiet and 'me' time because all of the hard graft he has put in to make it so. do you work (paid employment) or do you stay at home and mind child (this can be as much (if not more work) than running a shop and very stressful too). whilst he deserves 'me' time so do you and you also need to spend time as a couple and family. you describe business as 'his'- does he discuss it with you? do you take an interest in it? can you spend some time helping him in shop, doing paperwork etc? have you actually talked to him 'gently' about it? if you come across at criticising his back will automatically be up. does shop close for lunch? can you visit him them and have lunch together etc?