Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

caroleann

Hello Sooty pea,
Your post was really helpful, I've rang the local town hall and spoken to the 'Homeless Families Unit', I have an appointment with them tomorrow, they were very helpful and will direct me as to the right course of action.
My eldest daughter arrives tomorrow, She is a great help and I want her to be able to stay here with me, I hope he does'nt kick off over the weekend I have considered going away just the three of us to a Hotel but really dont have the spare cash to afford to do that, I am nervous, and know I should leave, but that scares me too, He asked if I wanted to talk this morning, I said 'No', so he just left, maybe I should have told him, I am getting an injunction but honestly I would'nt dare, not til its in place, I need its protection.
My daughter has been sent home from school, she took a pain in the chest while sprinting, then could'nt breathe, she was as white as a sheet and shaking when I got to school, I had a quiet word with her teacher and put her in the picture and she has suggested that she have a talk with their councillors, I have agreed to that as I think she is bottling up a lot of pain,anger and fear.
It has got to get better or we'll both crack up.

Fran

Caroleann wrote:

...
My daughter has been sent home from school, she took a pain in the chest while sprinting, then could'nt breathe, she was as white as a sheet and shaking when I got to school, I had a quiet word with her teacher and put her in the picture and she has suggested that she have a talk with their councillors, I have agreed to that as I think she is bottling up a lot of pain,anger and fear.
It has got to get better or we'll both crack up.

Have you discussed leaving the house with her?

Fran

Caroleann,

I am very concerned for your children. Yes he might be causing this fear, but as their parent you have to take some responsibility (ie remove them from that situation). I know you are making phone calls etc. and trying to sort it out, but why are you letting the 13 year old spend another second in the same house as him? Why are you dragging your 22 year old into it? What effect is this having on them? Now you have told the school about it what if they report this to a social worker? (I don't know whether they do this or not in schools.) What if you are seen as an unfit mother to your 13 year old because you have not protected her from this awful situation and refused the offer of the refuge?

There are only two people that can change this situation, he is extremely unlikely to change.... and you are the other one.

Caroleann wrote:

....the worst part of it all though was he woke up my 13 year old daughter who came downstairs and witnessed it, she is completley traumatised and cant bear to be in the same house as him.....

this happened with my eldest daughter too who has now left home and I promised her i wouldnt let the same thing happen to her little sister as she saw as a child

my daughter shakes when he is any where near her

and could'nt believe he has hit me, and has been for years, its been a while since he has raised his hands, but the abuse is emotional, psycological and mental

oldest daughter has been here on a visit, very scared of him too

I have to admit I'm worried sick at whats he's going to do next, think of the worst thing possible and that will be it!!!

My eldest daughter arrives tomorrow, She is a great help and I want her to be able to stay here with me, I hope he does'nt kick off over the weekend

My daughter has been sent home from school, she took a pain in the chest while sprinting, then could'nt breathe

I think she is bottling up a lot of pain,anger and fear.

black-saturn

Carolean I think you need to get into a refuge now. If you wait another day it might all happen again and your children will then be even more fearful.

trafalgar_2

Just what is it going to take before you realise your keeping your daughter and putting the second one and yourself in a dangerous situation.........get out now,don't wait

hilary1

Leave now!

Your resposibilty is your children. When are you going to stop whinging and act for your safety and primarily theirs.

You are choosing to stay with a violent man. They have no choice.

What is the matter with you woman:mad:

vicki98_2

caroleann,
i agree with the last few posters. i think you need to get out now before it gets worse. I also think you should leave before he finds out about the injunction as this is very likely to p him off and he may become more violent with you or your children.

women who suffer domestic violence at the hands of their husbands describe it as a cycle and they put up with it for many many reasons - i really want you to break that cycle and get out as soon as you can, you've made the first steps by speaking to people about it but you really do need to get out of there to ensure yours and your childrens safety.

i noticed some time ago how you wrote he had been very quiet and subdued ... don't let this fool you. he is a violent and abusive man who is probably waiting for another opportunity to belittle you and cause you further pain.

i really think you need to get back in touch with womens aid and take up the offer of a refuge. It will be safe for both you and your daughter, it really is the best option

jellyhead

Fran wrote:

Have you discussed leaving the house with her?

if you haven't done so i think you should ask your daughter how she feels about the idea of moving - even if it was to a refuge, and eventually a council house. and if she says please move, no matter where it's to just get her out - please do it. it sounds like you're not used to making your own decisions or being in charge. if you're worried your daughter will hate a refuge etc. then ask her, she might just really want to get out. knowing that she wants you to go might put your mind at reast that you really are (thinking about) doing the right thing.

rainbowsox

hi caroleann...so glad to hear you've been to see a solicitor and begun to get the ball rolling...i know i'm beginning to sound like a parrot now, but i get all queasy reading about the "brooding" stuff...and the other bits of psychological warfare he's employing...that always used to mean a blow up in my neck of the woods...
please, please consider a refuge...women across the board are survivors of domestic violence and use refuges...it would only be temporary, but they are well geared up to helping with a whole raft of issues, and you would also have the support of other women who've been / are in, a similar situation...
i think you are very brave and strong to have come as far as you have, and hope that you will really think through what you need to do to protect your younger daughter from further abuse...
Council housing is not so bad...and even if you live next to the neighbours from hell, it's better than having the neighbour from hell living in your house, abusing you and your daughter...
Please stay safe, and make sure your little girl (13 really isn't that old) stays safe as well.
Good luck
Rainbow xxx

tiptoes

Hi Carolanne

Hope you and your daughter are ok, how did things go with the solicitor? Have you managed to arrange alternatvie accomadation for yourself and your daughter yet?

I know with our constant record of you must leave it may seem like many of us must not have any idea of what your experiencing right now but I think in many if the cases it is because we understand to well the situation your in. I understand only to well how hard that first step is and the doubt you are probably experiencing. Though beleive me once out you will wonder why it took you so long.