Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

caroleann

Hi all, thank you so much, there are so many of you that I cant thank all of you in person, please believe I have read all of your relplies and taken it all on board, have had a really weird weekend, never spoken a word to OH hate him too much to do that, but oldest daughter has been here on a visit, very scared of him too and not able to confront/ask him about what has happened, has just said 'Aye, Yes and No' to him over the weekend, she has said to me, 'Do this for me and Charlotte, be strong, you can do it', Its hard though, I just want a lovely quiet life with no threatening behavior, and not being hit, I'm scared about the future, we have a beautiful house and I may end up in a council house, my daughtger has said 'I dont care' Is that the next step...? He's a nasty piece of work.

caroleann

I know exactly what you're saying. you are spot on I'm in cloud cukoo land, he has been a horrible man since 1977, is that a suprise to everyone? Why am I still here? because I have beenwith this !!!! since I was 14 yeqars old and know no other than moods, sulks, silences, and anger, please help me to leave this horrible existence and get a happy life of my own, I have no family or friends so im relient on you on MSE. please help, Carole

jayne26

what a sad scumbag . dont you be embaresed by his horrible scumbag ways , you can do so much better than this and in your heart you know it , nasty bullys never change and life is for living , get a plan , if you have to go , go , move on and enjoy the rest of your life, lllllllllll if a femail hit you , you would never speak to her again , the same rules apply , there is some nice kind man out there who will give you happiness and respect you just have to find him .............. you can do it

rainbowsox

No, it's not a surprise...it's what most of us have done...put up with it, and put up with it...in the vain hope that something somewhere along the line will get better...and plus we're all so dog tired looking after children, working, managing a house and trying to keep all the abuse secret coz we feel it's all our fault that there isn't alot of energy left to look over the parapet and see there's a whole world out there which isn't dominated by "whether he's having a good day or not"
The hardest thing is to decide to leave...or get rid..and it is hard...i looked at my children and thought "do i really want them to grow up in this environment?" and even though i couldn't have left for me, i left because of them...i didn't want them to grow up thinking it was okay for women to be treated the way i was, or that daddys act like he acted...because it wasn't okay...it really wasn't okay.
In practical terms your plans depend on what resources you have at your disposal and what you want to do...stay /go...if you leave, you can go to a refuge, or, if you have money, you can privately rent - this can be set up very quickly, and can be done mainly on-line...and to be honest, even if you ended up in the grottiest council house in the country, i bet you'd sleep better than you have been...besides, in time, all the material stuff comes again, whereas the time you and your children spend living in fear can't ever be replaced.
It's usual not to have many friends /be cut off from family, when you have an abusive partner, it's part of what they do in order to control you - i expect you will very quickly make lots of friends once you're away from your current environment..i know i did.
Lots of us will help if we can, but you have to be clear what you want to do...it is very hard, and confusing...i found it easier to focus on what i wanted for the children rather than what i wanted, as i was too mixed up in the head to think clearly at the time. Also I found the Womens Aid website really good...
You are welcome to PM me if that would help.

DebbieJ_3

Caroleann I really feel for you. I have been in the same situation and you can listen to everybody that gives you advise. The only problem is that you will not leave this man until something inside you snaps. For years I put up with abuse and then one day I got up in the morning (not even after a bad night)and walked. The domestic violence unit were fantastic so please have faith in them. It was a difficult decision but for the sake of my children I did it and have never looked back. As far a your house is concerned, forget it. I walked away with nothing and started again. It took time but what I have now is my own, it may not be as luxurious but my children are happy and that makes me happy.
Thinking of you.

Rockingit

As a man I know I'm out of place here, but both my wife and a best friend have many years between them of working for Womens Aid and I have 'seen' the system from inside - it works.

Caroleann, it doesn't matter what long term plans you want to have, right here and now you HAVE to think to the next five minutes, and put yourself in a place with people who GENUINELY care about you, and understand. They have experts, they have solicitors, they do childcare, they understand the systems, the courts, the benefits and the paperwork....... you just get yourself safe.

You know ladies, sometimes I'm actually embarassed to be part of the same breed as these 'men'.

rchddap1

Please get in touch with women's aid. i know you won't want to leave what has become your 'home' and all your things, but think about what is important? The safety of both yourself and your daughter, or 'things'.

So what if you end up in a council house...at least you won't have to live in fear any more. And more importantly neither will your daughters. So what if you lose your things....I'm much prefer to lose that than to go through what you are right now.

I know its scary, but you already know what is the right thing to do. With time I hope that you will find the courage to go ahead and talk to womensaid.

Good luck

gravitytolls

Ditto the above. And council accomodation is just dandy, secure tenancy, help with maintenance , rent, council tax etc., until you're back on your feet.

Maybe it's harder to pick up the phone; when you're cocooned in the house, it can seem there's no way out.

Do you go out alone? Do you shop etc.?
Can you go to CAB, if not the police, and tell them you need help. It could be easier face to face, and away from your home and him.

You can do this. You've postee on here, it's the first step, it means you know you need to do something.
I know we're only on the internet, but we're all rooting for you here. And Women's Aid are rooting for you too. You'll be OK, and so will your child.

Please try to do it, you won't be alone, you will be supported throughout the entire process, and beyond.

caroleann

Hi Gravity,
I have been to see a solicitor and told I'll qualify for Legal Aid so thats good, she is organising a 'Non Molestation Order' and I'm terrified at what his reaction will be, He is becoming more and more brooding, silent, coming and going all the time never feel relaxed, cant sleep for crying

black-saturn

I'm glad you are getting sorted out. Let him brood but whatever you do always put yourself first. You are No.1 not him.

Let us know how you get on.