Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

[Deleted User]

Caroleann wrote:

I dont know what to do, im in a kind of daze, The last time this happened he cancelled the direct debit for the mortgage and did'nt tell me, it was a case of 'If I'm not living there I'm not paying the mortgage' Its £700 a month, where will I get that kind of money from?

Honey just go and put your coat on and get the hell out before anything else happens take your daughter with you and GO NOW.
Yours and her lives are more important than any bricks and motor.

bobsa1

I've done some work with Womens aid in the past and they are fantastic.

Only you can make the decision to go and after years of abuse you will feel confused and unable to make a decision.

Women's aid and other organisations will help you. This thread has shown how many women have been abused and how they have survived to be stronger women for themselves and their children.

Some women won't be posting on here, who are like you experiencing violence at the moment.

Please leave now..

auditbabe

[after years of abuse you will feel confused and unable to make a decision.

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Some women won't be posting on here, who are like you experiencing violence at the moment.

Please leave now..[/QUOTE]
please leave we have recently helped a dear friend to disapear it is possible she had her own home and business and she found the strenght to leave it all behind it can be done. Do it

vyvyan_2

I can only repeat what everyone else had advised so far and leave now with your child.

It took me 15 years to leave and how I wish now I had done it sooner.

If we had a 'good' day I would think that I might as well keep going as the uncertainty of the unknown was frightening but then he gradually got away with more and more extreme behaviour. He threatened and always maintained he always carry out his threats. There was a series of incidents in the last couple of months that were the decider for me and I made plans then. I had to go when he was not around as he would have prevented me going. I took both my children (and a cat!) to my sister's buy-to-let flat which was temporaily empty. He did not know where it was apart from the town it was in. We recovered there and I got help with finding a place to rent with advice from the CAB. All we had to start with was a change of clothes. The sense of freedom was huge. Once you take that step it is amazingly empowering. Making your own decisions and having your own autonomy is unimaginable at your current stage, but you'll never regret it.

I've never looked back and yes he did carry out his threats but he had less power by then, if that makes sense. Life has been hard but at the same time, so much better. My children went from frightened, represssed, with behaviour problems and special needs for learning to confident, secure & intelligent (special needs!).

12 Years on, one has recently got married to her long term boyfriend. She left school after her A levels and has got a steady job. The other is doing his AS levels and is planning on A levels and university. We are all very close and always will be. I am concious of them growing up and leaving the nest now, but they are well-balanced, caring, thoughtful and at the same time not afraid to have a laugh and let their hair down. I'm so glad we had that time together. It could have been very different.

Leave - if the future is frightening - what does that compare to the present?

Anthillmob

Caroleann wrote:

I know, im mad, but its hard to leave everything, I have no where to go and very little savings, daughter has gone to stay with best friend for the night so she's safe at least, oldest daughter is here with me now and very supportive but goes home to Dublin on Mon night

is is hard to leave everything but for the sake of yourself and your daughter you need to leave. i stayed with a violent partner for months (we were together 3 years and up until the final year the abuse had just been psychological but then he put me in hospital with a suspected brfoken leg and because he got away with it that time he kept on with the fists and fury) before i came to my senses and didnt go back. he'd be violent, id move back to my mums, hed apologise, id move back in and so the cycle carried on.

when i left i lost everything. i purchased all of the furniture that was in the flat but losing my stuff was a small price to pay in return for my sanity and health and well being.

lily_the_pink

Women's aid will help you sort out all the practicalities that are stressing you out - they will also move you to a non local hostel if necessary or help to relocate you. If nothing else, it will get you away for a few days to sort yourself out - I suspect that once you have stepped back and put a perspective on the situation you will not want to go back.


http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ (they have a hide my visit button that will delete record from computer). Freephone number 0808 2000 247. They are the experts in this - all I can say is it wont be easy but it will be better. There is also a load of legal option information etc.

jellyhead

i haven't been in this situation myself so i have no practical advice, but one thought i had was if you do leave and you're feeling alone and don't know where to get advice then you can go to your local library and register for internet access, it's free. then you could come online and ask questions or just chat and get support on here.

so you have 2 children and neither of them are keen on their father? i think you should leave - it doesn't sound as if you have a happy fulfilling marriage. sorry to be blunt but i don't see anything worth keeping. yes it must be scary to leave the house you've been in for years, the school your daughter is happy at etc. but maybe she could stay in touch with her best friends and she'll make new ones wherever you go. from her point of view i'd guess that getting away from a scary frightening man is more important than the stability you think you have now.

if you're worried that taking her away from her father is morally wrong then relax, they can always build a relationship later on if she thinks he's worth it. my parents divorced and it was at least ten years before any of us wanted to speak to my father but things are okay now and my sister in particular has quite a good realtionship with him. the way things are going she wouldn't want anything to do with him when she's older anyway, and would only visit to try and look after you - you don't have to stay.

*HUGS*

caroleann

thank you so much sarah, you're so right why should me and daughter leave our lovely home, he's the sh-t in all of this, I havent abused him or hit him, i love him but I hate him, does that make sense? I want to be in a relationship with him where he will never scream, shout, swear, threaten, scare me or daugher ever again, Im in cloud cukoo land are'nt I ?

caroleann

thank you, i so appreciate your support, It what I think about at 4am when I'm at my lowest. Carole

rainbowsox

sorry caroleann, but i hear the sound of the cloud cuckoo....i think sarah was incredibly brave to stay where she was - i left, because he'd kicked the door in twice to come back and give me a good hiding and i didn't feel safe in my own home anymore - and yes, i owned it, but i heard my children screaming and crying because of what daddy was doing and no way does anyone make my children scream and cry. There won't ever be a relationship with him which doesn't involve abuse - he won't change...he may say he will..things may die down for a while (they usually do) but then he'll be at it again with the threats, the intimidation, the violence...
It makes perfect sense to love and hate at the same time - it's only when you leave that you realise that the "love" bit of it was all about control and not about "love" at all.
When he hits you again (sorry, but it will happen again), if you call the police and he gets arrested he will probably be bailed to stay away from you and the children and you can then get an injunction (make sure it's with powers of arrest, without it's not worth the paper it's written on) to keep him away...this will buy you space to decide what to do next, and at the very least gets him out of your house for a while.
I did a bunk because my ex had broken injunctions all over the place and i lost all faith in the judicial system to do anything to stop him...best thing i ever did.
Even if you are staying for the moment, there are lots of things you can do to prepare incase you need to leave, even if you end up staying...things like making sure your passport, driving licence etc, are out of the house...taking legal advice, making sure you are familiar with the processes for re-directing post...having an email address he doesn't know about...and can't crack the password of..
Good luck with whatever you decide.