Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

vik6525

homersimpson wrote:

running a shop can be just as tiring (if not more tiring) than manual/physical work such as digging roads- you can be on your feet all day- serving customers, stocking shelves, deaing with deliveries etc. if he does run own business this involves alot of responsibility and can involve endless paperwork. i don't do manual work but some days i can home from work and all i want to do is flop in front of the telly- particularly if day is stressful- i just want peace and quiet and time to unwind.
if business successful it is arguably down to his efforts and perharps he considers he desrves some peace and quiet and 'me' time because all of the hard graft he has put in to make it so. do you work (paid employment) or do you stay at home and mind child (this can be as much (if not more work) than running a shop and very stressful too). whilst he deserves 'me' time so do you and you also need to spend time as a couple and family. you describe business as 'his'- does he discuss it with you? do you take an interest in it? can you spend some time helping him in shop, doing paperwork etc? have you actually talked to him 'gently' about it? if you come across at criticising his back will automatically be up. does shop close for lunch? can you visit him them and have lunch together etc?

maybe i should explain a little about his work, and then people will understand why i get annoyed with him having no 'get up and go'... the shop is actualy his mothers, she deals with the paperwork, the accounts, the bill paying etc. Its a tiny shop, which deals in second hand computer games. he spends all day either playing games on the pc at work, or srinking coffee and reading the papers. Im a stay at home mum, I do ALL the housework and the cooking. I get annoyed because he comes in from work, has his tea, doesnt even say 'thanks, that was lovely' or anything. he just sits down and plays, yet more computer games. he then goes to bed, and, yup, you've guessed it, plays more games til he falls asleep. and he wonders why i feel neglected? ? ?

black-saturn

Here's some other links for you:

http://www.breakthepattern.org.uk/domestic_violence/index.html

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I'm afraid you are suffering from emotional abuse which is a very serious form of abuse which actually leaves deeper scars that physical abuse. Nothing you do is going to make him change. He is acting as the dominant man and that's how he believes he should act. You deserve more than this and a better quality of life. Is this what you really want for the rest of your life?

tru

I moaned at mr troo about the housework, he said "but I never asked you to iron my shirts/hoover everyday/always cook the tea, you just did it from day one". I was very annoyed, because he was right :rolleyes:

I have to admit, the first few years of our marriage were a complete nightmare, we didn't see eye to eye on anything.

vik6525

troo wrote:

I moaned at mr troo about the housework, he said "but I never asked you to iron my shirts/hoover everyday/always cook the tea, you just did it from day one". I was very annoyed, because he was right :rolleyes:

I have to admit, the first few years of our marriage were a complete nightmare, we didn't see eye to eye on anything.

the difference is, i have actually asked him for some help, maybe not in the sense of 'him doing cleaning, me doing cooking' kind of thing, but i have asked him to be a bit 'tidier' and put his stuff back in the shelves or whatever, just to make my job a bit easier... its hard enough tidying up after my little one, especially in the summer holidays, but when im constantly putting things away for him too, just cause hes too lazy to do it himself, it makes my job 100% worse..

black-saturn

My ex was exactly like you describe and I put up with it for 9 years. In the end it got so bad it was like leading separate lives in the same house. Like having a lodger. We didnt even sleep in the same bed. In the end I walked out with nothing to my name and I have never looked back. It was the most wonderful moment of my whole life. It's made me stronger because I won't be bullied or put down in any way now. If something in my life is causing this to happen I just walk away. It's really not worth the time.

tru

He might assume you mean it once, and do it once. When he leaves something out again, it might not occur to him to tidy it up until you ask :think:

Mr troo was like this but now I pick up everyone's stuff and put it in piles at the bottom of the stairs. As they come in the house from work or school, I say "there's a pile of your stuff at the bottom of the stairs". They soon sort it out. I had to say this every time (they just don't seem to actually see it), but they're used to it now and do it automatically.

Sounds awful but I treated him like one of the kids when it came to untidiness, eventually it sunk in.

I think if you ask him to 'help' you, you're making it sound like it's your job. Does that make sense?

vik6525

troo wrote:

He might assume you mean it once, and do it once. When he leaves something out again, it might not occur to him to tidy it up until you ask :think:

Mr troo was like this but now I pick up everyone's stuff and put it in piles at the bottom of the stairs. As they come in the house from work or school, I say "there's a pile of your stuff at the bottom of the stairs". They soon sort it out. I had to say this every time (they just don't seem to actually see it), but they're used to it now and do it automatically.

Sounds awful but I treated him like one of the kids when it came to untidiness, eventually it sunk in.

I think if you ask him to 'help' you, you're making it sound like it's your job. Does that make sense?

the last week or so, all his 'stuff' from his face wash stuff in the bathroom that he never puts away, to the games that are strewn accross the floor, to his clothes that are everywhere, is being thrown in the cupboard under the stairs. Im hoping that if he cant get his hands on things instantly, and has to rummage through the cupboard, he'll start putting them where they belong.

*Sparkle*_3

you really need to make him see how upset you are, sometimes people just need a kick up the bum!
Have you thought about having a little one or two week break from eachother perhaps thats what you need and maybe he'll realise what his missing once you've gone.

Running your own business no matter what the industry is tuff, at least with digging up roads you can stop working and go home and forget about work but with your own business it comes home with you.

Although that is no excuse for neglecting you.

vik6525

i do understand that maybe at times his work can be tricky or whatever, and i have made allowances for that. as i said, his line of work is computer games, and then when he gets home all he does is play computer games, even in bed. I've told him that i think we need a break from each other (in fact, i told him that today) but he wont leave the house because all his 'stuff' (meaning computer games and things) is here. the house we live in is actually mine, and he does have his own flat just down the road. but when i suggest that he goes to stay there for a bit, so we can have a bit of space, he refuses. it makes me so sad that what could have been resolved in two minutes, with a bit of kindness and understanding from him, seems to be dragging on and on and, in my mind at least, could signify the end of this (once good) relationship.

tru

Maybe he doesn't clean up because he sees it as yours? Same way that he wouldn't expect you to clean his flat because it's his?