Leaving abusive relationships (merged)

*Sparkle*_3

well if you've asked him to leave and he wont then you need to take action and kick him out, as hard as that may be.....
I think he's walking over you, how can someone refuse to leave someone elses property?? he obviously doesnt think your being serious, tell him, "i want a break and i want you to leave on tuesday" (or whatever day).
give him a date and time hopefully that might sink in...

vik6525

for two years we lived in 'his' flat, and yeah, i did all the housework there too... the thing is, i find myself making excuses for the way he behaves an awful lot. we had completly different upbringings, and i feel that sometimes it plays a big part in it. i had a proper 'middle class' upbringing, where any family problems were resolved around the dinner table, we're very affectionate with each other and we keep no secrets. he on the other hand had a very 'strange' upbringing. he has a very over bearing mother (even today, hes 31 and she still rings him at least 10 times a day to check up on him), his father is an alcoholic, and any problems they have in their family just get swept under the carpet. he's never really had any responsibility in his life, he got away with absolute murder as a child and a teenager (didnt bother going to school if he didnt fancy it etc) and he doesnt seem to have grown up. I know its not an excuse, but i can see sometimes why he is like he is. I just think that by 31 he should have started taking some responsibility, and part of that responsibility is, to me at least, to have an understanding that when you're in a relationship, you sometimes have to be a bit responsible for how the other person is feeling.

tru

Well I can't think of anything else. As he treats you the same in his flat too (I was really hoping the 'his and hers' thing was his way of thinking) then he has to go back to his place, at least for a while until you see a real change.

Black-Saturn, I hope you don't mind me saying this -

Vik, PM Black-Saturn, she has a link to an excellent website which explains emotional abuse very well.

grex9101

Pardon me for asking, but you did mention that "we dont really have much of a 'love life'". Is this maybe a bigger part of the problem than you perhaps realise?

Everyone is different of course, but it seems to me that you're not physically close to one another. Sometimes that speaks volumes about a relationship.

Also, he seems to be addicted to his games. Everyone has hobbys, sure, but it sounds like he's compulsively playing them which is certainly very unhealthy.

black-saturn

troo wrote:

Black-Saturn, I hope you don't mind me saying this -

Vik, PM Black-Saturn, she has a link to an excellent website which explains emotional abuse very well.

Thanks. I put 2 posts on this thread about my site but the board guide deleted them. Helpful arn't they? I've sent a PM to the OP about it.

This post will probably get deleted too.

vik6525

grex9101 wrote:

Pardon me for asking, but you did mention that "we dont really have much of a 'love life'". Is this maybe a bigger part of the problem than you perhaps realise?

Everyone is different of course, but it seems to me that you're not physically close to one another. Sometimes that speaks volumes about a relationship.

Also, he seems to be addicted to his games. Everyone has hobbys, sure, but it sounds like he's compulsively playing them which is certainly very unhealthy.

he is addicted to computer games, totally and utterly. but he cant see it. as i said, his line of work is computer games, but he brings them home just a little too much for my liking. as we speak, hes at his friends house, playing, yup, you guessed it, computer games. when i said we dont have a 'love life' what i mean is just that. as i said, he even plays computer games in bed, with headphones on. I dont get so much as a little kiss goodnight, never mind anything else.

joflo_2

It would appear that you are playing the role of mother to his 'son'. If this is not what you want, get his keys and arrange to have his stuff moved back as this may be the only way to get him to move out. He gets his stuff cleaned up, meals on the table etc. exactly the same as he is used to before, he has no reason to want to change his behaviour.

If he really cares for you then start again in your relationship, go on dates etc, if he is not interested in doing that then I am afraid that he is not worth your time and effort. Life is too short to waste.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Think about what you really want out of life and from a partner in that life and go for it.

elisebutt65

Just my tuppence worth:

You've asked him to leave and he has a place of his own. Box up his stuff - as much as you can and leave it at the shop for him, then change your locks!!

You've tried speaking to him and he's ignoring you This is a no win situation for you I'm afraid. Unless he can bring himself to talk about any problems he may have, then that's it- end of line!!

May be harsh but he needs a (not litereral) slap to bring him to his senses and if that means physically locking him out then do it. While he's out now, go and bolt the door or put the latch on so he can't get back in and put a note on the front door telling him to go back to his own home!!

vik6525

like i said,when he gets back today, im going to try one last time to get him to talk. he knows that ive been feeling really 'down' about this relationship for a while. I suggested to him that we take a break from one another for a while about 3 weeks ago, but he turned on the charm and promised things would be different. that was three weeks ago and i still havent seen a difference. I really do want to take a break from him, at least for a while, so i can figure out if i really am happier without him, and vice versa.

black-saturn

Good luck. Hope you get what you want in the end.