bit of advice about teenager who's lying and stealing

seven-day-weekend

But, tamarto, you can't just ignore or treat lightly her kicking her dad!. She is 14, not three!

Uniscots97

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

If she breaks them don't make a big thing out of it, just say calmly that you will not buy her any more.

Thats what I told her, so she calmly told me she'd nick mine. Calmly replied, she can "borrow" my straighteners anytime as long as she asks and takes care of them. Belive me it took a lot of will power to remain totally calm.

seven-day-weekend

tamarto wrote: »

OMG She sounds very similar to me as a teen:eek:


I lied all the time over little things as no one ever believed me anyway, i knew they knew i was lying but why tell the truth even when i did they didn't believe me although if you'd spoken to my step-mum or dad they would have been adamant they didn't do that.



quote]

Why should they believe you if you lied all the time?

freejunkie

I ve just read your thread, sorry to hear your situation. As I was reading it I was reminded of my cousin who had a simular problem with her dd.
She was stealing stole everything inc £100s of pounds out of her bank account, and from other family members, Opening mobile phone contracts and other agreements in her moms name, not coming home from school, the list goes on and on, to top it off the lies were terrible and pointless if you saw her run the tap and pour water into a glass, then ask her what she is drinking she would swear on a stack of bibles it was lemonade!!!!! Phew hard work. Any way shes still a work in progress but has changed dramatically since her mom got her a job (a paper round) plus she gave her £60 only to use to make money (ie buy something cheaply and sell it with profit).
Their relationship is vastly improved aswell as my poor cousins mental health.

tamarto

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

But, tamarto, you can't just ignore or treat lightly her kicking her dad!. She is 14, not three!

She was kicking the wall, and was kicking him at the same time, as the slate "was clean" obvious conclusion was it was an accident, rather that have a go again (how she would have felt) He could have moved. Then it wouldn't have happened.

I imagine she felt why not do it i'm being accused of it anyway

tamarto

Why should they believe you if you lied all the time?[/quote]


oh dear.

I lied all the time because they didn't believe me anyway, it's a vicious circle but as a child is a child the parents have to take responsibility for it. Also it's down to them if they want it changed being the bigger people!

If you are accusing someone all the time and it is a very easy trap to fall into how can you blame them if they turn into what you are accusing them of?

seven-day-weekend

I see your point tomarto and I agree it is the parents who have to take charge, but I honestly do not see that ignoring or making light of wrong and antisocial behaviour is going to improve it. She has to learn to live by societiy's rules the same as all the rest of us have to.

Thanks though for showing it from the other side, we'll have to agree to differ on how to deal with it!:D

tamarto

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I see your point tomarto and I agree it is the parents who have to take charge, but I honestly do not see that ignoring or making light of wrong and antisocial behaviour is going to improve it. She has to learn to live by societiy's rules the same as all the rest of us have to.

Thanks though for showing it from the other side, we'll have to agree to differ on how to deal with it!:D

I'm not saying to do that. Kicking a wall hardly constitutes antisocial behavior. Yes she did kick her dad but if the situation had been handled differenty in the beggining chances are she wouldn't have, you can't have both either it's a total clean sheet or it's not.

What they are doing obviously isn't working maybe a step back to see how they are behaving towards her is needed.

splishsplash

I really feel sorry for this little girl (and I do believe at 14 she's still just a child).
I think you have to start over, really. It will be an uphill struggle, and you've made a good start with the day out in the mall and the under 18 club conspiracy, but it's going to take an awful lot more than that...

I totally agree with RoxieW and Lunar on this, and feel myself coming down firmly on the side of the child.

I missed the thing about the teacher's wallet, but nothing else sound like it's terribly serious. It sounds like she's getting punished and hauled over the coals for every little thing. She has learned from her dad and other members of her family that she's just a troublemaker and a failure, and she has given up.

I'm not surprised by the lying and the cutting class, I'd expect it, given the story we've been told. It seems like her self-esteem is in her boots, and no-one is bolstering it very much.

Her dad needs to watch what he says too - what did he accomplish by that comment about the new school? What did that say to the child - 'I expect you to mess up - I'm just giving you advance notice of that fact' is what it would tell me.

Likewise, at the mall - just for once, being the adult and in the spirit of the day, why didn't her dad just get up and move away under the pretext of going to the bathroom or something after the first kick? That way, he could have prevented the day out being ruined. As someone else has said, a comment like 'This was a great idea - I've really had fun - well done (insert name here)' could have turned things around nice and quickly.

I'm just wondering, on a day-to-day basis, if she wrote down all the negative comments/looks/vibes that she gets from everyone in one column, and all the positive comments/looks/vibes in another, which would be the longer column?

It sounds like you're doing a terrific job, but with teenagers, I think you have to be careful to pick your battles. In the grand scheme of things, you don't want her to go out, get drunk, get an STD or pregnant, or get beaten up and/or killed. The phone, chocolate biscuit and ankle kicks are not cause for battles. If you don't weight your priorities, nor will she.

Uniscots97

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

tamarto wrote: »

OMG She sounds very similar to me as a teen:eek:


I lied all the time over little things as no one ever believed me anyway, i knew they knew i was lying but why tell the truth even when i did they didn't believe me although if you'd spoken to my step-mum or dad they would have been adamant they didn't do that.



quote]

Why should they believe you if you lied all the time?

we're in the same situation. The stuff you are totally sure about and she lies, then something big happens and she still lies so I can understand why some people will always be wary of her.