bit of advice about teenager who's lying and stealing

Uniscots97

Hi All,
I need a bit of advice. My partner's youngest (14) is driving us mad. She cut class from school in february and ran up 150 quid bill on her mobile so it was taken off her and was grounded (still in place). She had been in trouble before but was starting to behave so my partner said he was going to show he trusted her with a contract mobile but first sign of trouble with it and the phone was getting taken off her and contract cancelled. She got the phone in December for xmas and as I said above got it taken off her in february. She's not allowed out to hang about at her Dad's as the people she hangs about with at school aren't really her friends and encourage her to get into trouble or lead her into situations where she is confronted (and beaten up) by other friends of theirs (older) who don't like her.

Fast for ward to the weekend there and she says she's not well. we believed her. My partner and I aren't living together yet but he and the kids are moving in over the summer and the kids will be starting a new school. So we agreed she could stay at my partner's (watched by a family member) and we would get a night to ourselves at mine. We had a nice day together but decided to go out on saturday evening and my partner decided to pick something up from his he had forgotten. I stayed in the car since my partner said he'd only be 2 minutes. 5 minutes went by and I thought poor thing must be really unwell. Then the youngest walked past my car!!!! At first I thought I was seeing things, she's grounded she knows she's not allowed out.

My partner went ballistic. She waited till family member had gone to sleep and raided (and I mean raided) her Dad's room for her mobile. Put another SIM in it (she told us she saved up her lunch money to get this) and when she turned the phone on it rang straight away and it was her so called pals from school (no we didn't believe this either), so she agreed to sneak out and meet up with them and a boy she claims is her boyfriend (I'll get to that one in a minute).

when asked why she did it all she could say was "why not, its what teenagers do". I spoke to her and reminded her what she told me the last time she got into trouble that all she wanted was her Dad to trust her. I explained to her that she should have asked if she could go out and meet this boy. Her answer back to me was her Dad would say no. Told her that yes he might say no initially but by asking and not lying and sneaking about she would show her Dad she could be trusted. She still didn't get it.

We took her with us (we had to cancel our night out) and went to see another family member. The youngest turned on the water works that she didn't want to go. Tough basically. The family member that had been watching her was in tears that she'd let us down but we told her it wasn't her fault. The family we went to visit weren't sympathetic with the youngest and she got told off by them and basically told "do you ever learn"? I think the answer is no. we all spoke about it and agreed that yes we all did things at her age and got into trouble, but you didn't do it again!

The family told me (youngest wasn't in the room she was upstairs with her cousin), that they didn't trust any valuables around her and to watch where I leave my bag in my own home!

We took youngest back to mine (eldest staying with friends for weekend) and her Dad told her changed for bed and stay in bed on sunday. He removed her tv, radio etc from her room at mine. Sunday I had visitors after they left I brought the plate of biscuits back through to the kitchen (but forgot to put them away). Youngest got offered breakfast and lunch and didn't want any, so when it came to dinner I plated hers up and her Dad asked her to come down to get it. She ate her dinner and was asked to take her plate through to the kitchen and then go back to her bed. OH and I went through to the kitchen and realised there was a chocolate biscuit missing. No big deal but she's been told to ask. So her Dad asked her where the biscuit was, she said she hadn't taken it (why lie?). we told her she wasn't in trouble but asked why had she not said. Again she insisted she hadn't taken it. I found the wrapper this morning behind the radiator in the bathroom!

Why won't she learn? She doesn't want for things but she's not spolied either. The lad she claims is her boyfriend hates her. He called her mobile late saturday night (this was after OH threatened him with police when he called before), I stayed calm and spoke to him and aksed him not to call again. He told me he hates her and just wants to see the youngest beaten up. So in other words had she stayed out with her so called pals she was getting beaten up. Why won't she see these people aren't her friends?

She doesn't seem to have any respect for other people's property either. Her brother is pretty certain she's stolen money out of his room. She was asked not to use my razor or Clarins stuff I used my pigsback vouchers for (a treat believe me!!!), instead I bought her her own razor and fancy body wash. Jars of nutella are finished as quick as they get bought and the empty jars get left in the cupboard then she claims it wasn't her that finished it! (None of the rest of us eat it as we don't like it). She made friends with the daughter of one of my work colleagues who obeys the rules and gets to do more. Even she tried explaining it to the youngest with no avail. This girl is now trying to distance herself as she says she can't be bothered with the hassle if the youngest just won't learn a lesson.

Why won't she learn? She's costing us a fortune we don't have replacing items she's not careful with that belong to other people. She's not getting pocket money till its all paid off but its still hit us in the pocket every time she does it. She's been grounded, make up taken off her, straighters taken off her, not allowed to watch tv, no magazines, what else do we do? Nothing seems to be getting through to her.

I tried again saying to her this morning that if she wants to be trusted she needs to be upfront about everything and not lie or sneak about. But still she didn't get it and said "its just what teenagers do". As I said before yes teenagers do these things but they learn not to do it again. Please help. Any suggestions? We don't want a repeat of this in her new school (I don't think the kids will take her nonsense with her being the new kid), we'll have a big outlay for her new school uniform and don't really want to have to fork out for replacing other people's property.

scurr

Oh God, no advice just lots of sympathy. My 18 yr old (boy) is improving now but was hellish from the age of about 8 & my 10 yr old (girl) is a nightmare now. I had a new cooker installed a year or so ago and the guy who wired it all up was speechless - there were 49 crisp packets stuffed behind it. Can't even begin to tell you the rest of the story - would be here all day, but rest assured you're not alone

Uniscots97

Thanks Scurr not sure where to turn with this one when the majority of her family don't even trust her. I feel so sorry for my OH, he's just been through a huge operation and doesn't need this stress.

anguk

I don't really know what to say but I did wonder if some of the stealing was to impress her so-called friends and try to become one of them. Peer pressure can be a very powerful thing, maybe the new school could be a fresh start.

Uniscots97

I hope so Ang, but the stealing is even when the so-called friends aren't about (money from her brother's room etc). The lying about the biscuits/shampoo/razors/shower gel etc stuff makes me angry as I buy her the stuff she needs.

emsywoo123

Heavens above, my DD is only 4 and I am dreading the teenage years! I was a pain and did some stuff, but only once! I learnt.
The thing I find really important in your post is her "friends" it all sounds so so wrong, and I personally think that as long as she tries to be friends with them, you will always struggle. Why lie and say this boy is her b/f unless she wants him to be and be accepted by them? Mmmmmm.

Uniscots97

I know emsy, its difficult. One of her so-called friends has been expelled (thank goodness) and is moving out of the area. One of the bad influences removed. The thing is when she behaves she's a great kid. I've got a lot of time for her. I'm not saying that the friends are the sole cause of this but surely at 14 you can learn a lesson when you do something wrong? After all, being grounded, having mobile taken off you etc isn't much fun. There isn't much choice in peolple to hang about with at her school. When she tried to break away before from other older girls who got her into major trouble she was attacked with a sharp piece of metal! The nice girls at her school won't have anything to do with her because of her past and because they want nothing to do with the crowd she's currently friendly with. I realise high school can be a lonely place. I've tried talking to her about it and saying to her to be civil to people if she wants to break away so as not to cause problems but it falls on deaf ears. Can't understand the 'boyfriend' thing either. Does she not realise she's making a fool of herself?

emsywoo123

14/15 is such a tricky time for girls, I remember it clearly.

The thing with the boy is really sad. I think the new school will really help, I suppose at least only 1 more term at the one she is at.

duchy

Sounds like this "bad group" are telling her one thing and she's believing them not realizing they are making a fool of her (or deep down does realize and can't admit it even to herself-teenage self esteem can be a fragile thing and some kids will try and hide their "weakness" with agression and bad behaviour).
I'd back off telling her how "bad" she is-keep her really really closely supervised and move her to the new school as soon as possible-now if you can ! Even if it means more ferrying her to and fro til the move.
Sell it as a new start and a chance to reinvent herself. Maybe get her involved in something worthwhile over the summer holidays-perhaps as a helper in a camp for disabled kids? Broaden her horizons and bring her into contact with different kids her own age who have other values and ideas of "what teenagers do".
Honestly though I wouldn't keep broadcasting her bad behaviour to the whole of the extended family-it'll only make her more defensive and act up more.
She sounds awefully lonely and is struggling to relate to her peers-can't fit in with the "bad crowd" and isn't accepted by the "good".

Uniscots97

duchy wrote: »

Sounds like this "bad group" are telling her one thing and she's believing them not realizing they are making a fool of her (or deep down does realize and can't admit it even to herself-teenage self esteem can be a fragile thing and some kids will try and hide their "weakness" with agression and bad behaviour).
I'd back off telling her how "bad" she is-keep her really really closely supervised and move her to the new school as soon as possible-now if you can ! Even if it means more ferrying her to and fro til the move.
Sell it as a new start and a chance to reinvent herself. Maybe get her involved in something worthwhile over the summer holidays-perhaps as a helper in a camp for disabled kids? Broaden her horizons and bring her into contact with different kids her own age who have other values and ideas of "what teenagers do".
Honestly though I wouldn't keep broadcasting her bad behaviour to the whole of the extended family-it'll only make her more defensive and act up more.
She sounds awefully lonely and is struggling to relate to her peers-can't fit in with the "bad crowd" and isn't accepted by the "good".

Unfortunately the new school won't take her till August. I'm the calm one and have sold the idea of the new school as a fresh start. However, every time she does something like this her Dad and brother (and I can't blame them at all for saying this) say to her "don't you dare do this at the new school and muck it up for us here". Her cousin is in the same year as her so if there's any trouble the cousin will tell so the whole family finds out. I like the idea of her getting involved in something over the summer but think I can already hear her reply "I'm not doing that its boring". I feel like I'm hitting my head off a brick wall. She wanted to go to the gym during the easter holidays. We sat her down and said money was very tight at the moment (and explained why) and we didn't have the money to go to the gym she wanted to. A free gym pass came through the door for another gym (free week's trial). we suggested she go there with the girl from next door (who's 19 but keeps an eye on her and treats her like a little sister), but she said the other girl couldn't afford to go so she wasn't going on her own (this was even after explaining if we got the offer through the door the neighbours would too. This is my OH's current neighbours by the way).

The girl from next door now wants nothing to do with her after the trouble at the weekend as the youngest tried to drag this poor girl into it when she wasn't involved! So again she's lost out on someone decent through her behaviour.

RoxieW

unless i'm missing something here this all sounds like pretty typical teenage stuff. And a lot of your points seem pretty petty - I mean, so what really if she eats the nutella or uses your clarins stuff or 'steals' a chocolate biscuit.

to me she sounds like a lonely kid who cant catch a break.

sneaking out, of course, is wrong and dangerous but really if I were you I'd thank my lucky stars that she wasn't doing drugs/sex/meeting up with men met on the internet.

being honest here - when I was 14 I was having sex, dabbling in drugs, drinking and shoplifting. As were my peers. I did go to a rough school in a rough area and was dragged up on a council estate - obv not an upbringing I want for my own kids! I'm not proud of it but I was young and getting to grips with the world. I also went on to get 13 gcse's A and B grades (the best my school had ever seen), go to college whilst supporting myself through working, go to Uni, have a successful career, a beautiful home, a husband and 2 gorgeous kids.

I'm not having a go at you - just trying to give you a bit of perspective. It sounds to me like you are very annoyed with this girl and I'm sure she is picking up on this. Combine it with a supposed boyfriend who hates her, supposed friends who bully her and family members who berate her I'd imagine she's feeling very lonely, down and if i was a parent i'd be worried about her state of mind.

Can you try to reconnect with her? Take her out for the day, just the two of you - spend some time with her. Try to talk to her as an adult about her life. just steer clear of accusations about nutella!