bit of advice about teenager who's lying and stealing

Craftyscholar

RoxieW wrote: »

As I've said, it seems like minor stuff (give or take) - what normal teenager hasnt tried smoking, run up a huge phone bill etc? I'd be more worried if she was very studious and reclusive tbh!

So being 'studious' is a cause for worry?
What would you do?
Forbid such a girl to read? Ban books?

seven-day-weekend

RoxieW wrote: »

I dont think the small things are inexplicable. it quite obv to me that she's lying because she doesnt believe that she wont get into trouble for it. quite logically in my opinion, as why would your parents bring it up if they didnt mind? she's defensive so lies.


I'd say try and be the friend that she seems to be desperately crying out for.

I personally do not think they lying is at all logical or acceptable, I think it is quite serious.

But I do agree with your final comment about her stepmum being her friend.
However, sometimes people like to talk in confidence to someone outside the family, which is why I suggested a mentor or counsellor.

RoxieW

Craftyscholar wrote: »

So being 'studious' is a cause for worry?
What would you do?
Forbid such a girl to read? Ban books?

no - of course not. It was just to illustrate that she is doing exactly as the majority of other teenagers are doing - as I did, as my peers did.

RoxieW

unixgirluk wrote: »

We have tried the reward thing etc for her improved behaviour she got her room done up and when she helped me out when her Dad was in hospital I bought her a top she wanted and said to her "I really appreciate how you've been, you've helped out and its nice seeing you smile even though your Dad's not well so this is just my way of saying good on you". I really thought she got it that day, I really did. 3 weeks later and she was skipping class again. I could have screamed. I realise she's in a difficult position with her so -called friends but she's been offered the chance to make new nice friends by my godson and not taken it.

3 weeks is quite a long time. TBH, the top and the nice day out will prob have been forgotten about by then. Teenagers act up from time to time. I think you need to deal with incidents as they arise - then move on and continue being supportive and kind.

Better go as I think this thread has eaten my day! I really wish you the best of luck.

Lunar_Eclipse

unixgirluk wrote: »

I have also offered (if she promises me that she'll behave), when she meets new friends from her new school I'll take them to the local under 18's nightclub (as long as her friends parents are ok with it) as long as I take them and pick them up and get to take them for burger or pizza afterwards (ok, sneaky on my part but I am trying with her)

You're doing a GREAT job. Only just spotted this.

I think the thing with the leg swinging is that she ended up reacting how one expected her to act. She defaulted to playing her role within the family as the 'bad' one. A matter of fact 'don't ruin our day, we're all having a lovely time together - thank you for suggesting it' from your OH would have stopped it. And she would have loved to have heard it.

It is attention seeking behaviour. She needs more love/acceptance from her Dad and if he could cool it a bit (not ignore, just not over react), I think it would help.

Reassurance comments like 'you are such a helpful daughter', 'it's fun hanging out with you' or whatever would really help. But he really needs to do the legwork I'm afraid.

So very sad about her mother. Easy to see how this could scar one for life. In fact it usually does I think.

I've posted enough now. Good luck.

Almost forgot. Two last important things. Lying about small things is NOT any indication that they may be lying about other (bigger) things. And always, ALWAYS give your child the benefit of the doubt. Never EVER assume the worst

Uniscots97

Craftyscholar wrote: »

So being 'studious' is a cause for worry?
What would you do?
Forbid such a girl to read? Ban books?

She loves books and both her Dad and I have tried to encourage this only for her to destroy them in a fit of temper. We don't have money to keep wasting on things like this. Yes we want to encourage her but how can we do that if she keeps destroying things and expects them to be replaced?

She once told me (not that long ago) that she wanted a pair of 140 quid hair straighteners, then added if her Dad didn't buy them for her she'd break hers so he'd have to buy them. As soon as she said it to me she realised what she had let slip. This is what we are up against.

Uniscots97

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

You're doing a GREAT job. Only just spotted this.

I think the thing with the leg swinging is that she ended up reacting how one expected her to act. She defaulted to playing her role within the family as the 'bad' one. A matter of fact 'don't ruin our day, we're all having a lovely time together - thank you for suggesting it' from your OH would have stopped it. And she would have loved to have heard it.

It is attention seeking behaviour. She needs more love/acceptance from her Dad and if he could cool it a bit (not ignore, just not over react), I think it would help.

Reassurance comments like 'you are such a helpful daughter', 'it's fun hanging out with you' or whatever would really help. But he really needs to do the legwork I'm afraid.

So very sad about her mother. Easy to see how this could scar one for life. In fact it usually does I think.

I've posted enough now. Good luck.

We both try and reassure her but sometimes she just wears us down. my parents have even suggested she might be doing it as a matter of "fun" to see how far she can push us.

seven-day-weekend

If she breaks them don't make a big thing out of it, just say calmly that you will not buy her any more.

tamarto

OMG She sounds very similar to me as a teen:eek:


I lied all the time over little things as no one ever believed me anyway, i knew they knew i was lying but why tell the truth even when i did they didn't believe me although if you'd spoken to my step-mum or dad they would have been adamant they didn't do that.

Infact the whole thing is scary except i wasn't hurt by my "friends" physically.

I imagine she feels very excluded from the family as everyone looks on her as the black sheep or even scape goat, many of the things i was accused of were untrue but as i was the bad one it must have been me, even my brother did it, he told me he used to think oh i'll take that as she'll get the blame anyway, guess what happened:rolleyes:

I don't think you are going to hear what you don't want to hear but for what it's worth you are on the right track but a clean slate has to mean that not oh she's fu*&ed up again why do we bother.

If it was a true clean slate her messing up i.e when she kicked her dad would have not been such a big deal, but as she's on the defensive....

Uniscots97

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Exactly! She knows she'll always be punished for something or other so just does what she likes. I think there is just a negative downward spiral pattern of behaviour that needs to be broken.

Have you tried guidance and request as opposed to control? ie it would be helpful if you could do x, instead of you are not allowed to do y?

She sounds very alike my eldest,. Stubborn. Needs to make her own decisions. Will not be told. (But placid in the main). Please try to reduce the control over her. I find it difficult, but it's the only thing that works IMO, so it's utterly pointless refusing to change the way one interracts with her.

And try to keep a long term perspective. She shows initiative, guts etc which whilst hard to handle, are much better in the long run that the 100% obedient sheep like child (adult!)

We have tried the guidance approach and that ended up with my godson's cake being eaten! I'd actually got her to help me with making some of the food (which she loves) and then that happens. You can probably see why we feel like we're hitting our heads off a brick wall.


Update: Her Dad has decided she has to stay in her room (apart from meals etc) until she goes back to school after the holidays. No tv etc. She's refused to apologise to her Auntie.