bit of advice about teenager who's lying and stealing

moggylover

P.S. you are welcome to PM as well - sometimes we all need someone who will be far enough away to take a more rational look at the situation - and someone who has been in a similar position!

Savvy_Sue

unixgirluk wrote: »

She now puts her hair straighteners onto a heat mat. But she still will lie even when she knows we know it was her, its so infuriating.

You say she doesn't learn - but she HAS learned! She's putting her hair straighteners on a heat mat! :j

Steel_2

Her mother left her.

Regardless of the fact you are now there, her mother left her.

Her mind has twisted everything to make her think that it was somehow her fault. Because that's what brains do. They try and find 'logic' where there is none and her childlike brain has come up with this line of 'logic', probably at a very early age.

1) Dads leave, not mums. If mums leave, there must have been something very, very bad to make them leave.

2) Bad things are worthless and get thrown out. Nobody keeps bad things around. Things they don't want -things that are worthless - they throw out, or if necessary they leave to get away from.

3) Mums and dads love each other, so it couldn't have been her dad that was bad, who was worthless. It must have been something or someone else.

4) Everything was fine before she came along. Mum left after she came along. Therefore it must be her that's bad, her that's worthless. If she was worth something her mother would have stayed. Therefore, if her mother left, she must be worthless.

Fast forward to your current situation.

In order to make the 'logic' work, you and her dad must 'leave' as well. If she is worthless it doesn't make sense that you two are still here. So she behaves in a way that makes you 'leave', even if that's only downstairs, so her brain will relax because the 'logic' is being followed. Eventually her behviour may have you 'give up on her', send her away to live with relatives or, if she breaks the law, the authorities will imprison her. This would follow the logic.

Her friends see her as worthless - they beat her up and are nasty to her -therefore she hangs around with them because the 'logic' works. Her boyfriend hates her - thinks she's worthless - therefore the 'logic' works and she hangs around him.

Anyone who is nice to her, who sees her as worthwhile to talk to or hang around with, are discarded because it doesn't fit with her brain's twisted 'logic'.

She'll have problems with seeking approval - if she isn't already - and seek the approval of people who think she's worthless in a desperate effort to prove she is worthwhile (view it as her real self fighting back). The minute those who thinks she's worthless start to warm to her or make a connection with her, she'll yo-yo back the other way and the old 'logic' will kick in to get rid of them or turn them back to being nasty.

You need to get some books on the psychology of child abandonment issues and start boning up on the subject. Some of the discipline you give her may be fitting with her 'logic' and making the situation worse, but you need to figure out which ones and find out what to replace them with instead.

You may not be able to fix the situation. But you can at least understand it.

Savvy_Sue

Sadly, I think Steel is talking a lot of sense.