bit of advice about teenager who's lying and stealing

jay11_2

Have you and OH looked into parenting classes (to parent teens, obviously). Not a criticism, as what you're doing would probably be great with 90% of teens, you just happen to be dealing with one of the other 10%. Just a thought, that we all need help at times, and you need any tips/ideas/support that can help in this difficult situation.

Out of interest are there any female older relatives that she gets on well with--would give you and OH a breather too.

splishsplash

I think you're doing a fantastic job, and I think you are great to keep on trying.

As the thread unfolds, I see that this is not your ordinary run-of-the-mill child with the usual teenage problems.

This sounds like a child who's been fractured to the bottom of her very soul, and will probably have an uphill struggle for years to come - if she bothers trying to claw back some of her potential and self-worth.

I think counselling is a very good idea, but I think also that her dad, brother and you should join her and get some ideas about how to start getting through to her, and having a look at your own behaviours around her. Something has to change. I would think her brother and particularly her dad need to do this.

The police station might work for some children (for instance, I know my kids would be shivering in their shoes if I did such a thing), but in this case, I don't think it will achieve much - it would be no more than she expects deep down in her heart. It would be yet another step in a self-fulfilling prophecy that everyone around her is convinced will happen anyway - she's bad, it's inevitable that she'll end up in jail/on drugs/pregnant/homeless - take your pick. That's what everyone thinks really, isn't it? I bet the usual reaction now to her is this :rolleyes: by most of her immediate and extended family.

I think she's so lucky to have you in her corner. I really do. I commend you for all your efforts, and I can only imagine the patience you have shown. I would plead with you to keep it up - don't give up on her just yet, even though it seems pretty hopeless. You can get some results, even if it takes a while to see them.

Look at it this way, she can either start to improve her behaviour, or get worse and end up consigned to the bottom of the pond in a couple of years - a couple of years' dedicated efforts now could make all the difference.

jay11_2

splishsplash wrote: »

I think you're doing a fantastic job, and I think you are great to keep on trying.

As the thread unfolds, I see that this is not your ordinary run-of-the-mill child with the usual teenage problems.

This sounds like a child who's been fractured to the bottom of her very soul, and will probably have an uphill struggle for years to come - if she bothers trying to claw back some of her potential and self-worth.

I think counselling is a very good idea, but I think also that her dad, brother and you should join her and get some ideas about how to start getting through to her, and having a look at your own behaviours around her. Something has to change. I would think her brother and particularly her dad need to do this.

The police station might work for some children (for instance, I know my kids would be shivering in their shoes if I did such a thing), but in this case, I don't think it will achieve much - it would be no more than she expects deep down in her heart. It would be yet another step in a self-fulfilling prophecy that everyone around her is convinced will happen anyway - she's bad, it's inevitable that she'll end up in jail/on drugs/pregnant/homeless - take your pick. That's what everyone thinks really, isn't it? I bet the usual reaction now to her is this :rolleyes: by most of her immediate and extended family.

I think she's so lucky to have you in her corner. I really do. I commend you for all your efforts, and I can only imagine the patience you have shown. I would plead with you to keep it up - don't give up on her just yet, even though it seems pretty hopeless. You can get some results, even if it takes a while to see them.

Look at it this way, she can either start to improve her behaviour, or get worse and end up consigned to the bottom of the pond in a couple of years - a couple of years' dedicated efforts now could make all the difference.

Absolutley spot on, really, really, great post. Please don't give up unixgirl.

lisaf

Hi Unixgirl,
as a Mum to a very mixed up 16 year old daughter, i can really sympathise! It sounds as though you're doing all you can.
My dd is currently having counselling sessions (via her GP) for her issues but i realise it's a long road.
Just really try and keep the lines of communication open at any cost, even if it doesn't seem you're getting anywhere you really will be.
I think what i find hard to deal with is that i had a pretty tough upbringing and have given my daughter all that i never had (maybe that's the problem). I suppose i just got my head down and got through the bad times without bringing everyone with me but she is determined to bring the whole family down with her when things aren't going her way.
Regardless, we just keep plodding away (her stepdad and me)! and just pray for the good times to roll again!
On another note, my brother has a 13 year old stepson who last week (whilst my brother was out), got into an argument with his mum and gave her a black eye!
To me, that was just unbelievable! I mean my dd is by no means an angel but was absolutely disgusted that he could have hurt his Mum.
It was all kept a secret until my brother told another brother in confidence but he was so disgusted, he told us all.
He's been grounded and had all his 'toys' taken away but when i saw him the other day, he didn't look one bit ashamed as him Mum walked through the door in front of him with a great big black eye!
How would anyone else have dealt with this? Still in shock!
Lisa x

Sorry for the ramble Unixgirl!

Oldernotwiser

RoxieW wrote: »

What makes you so sure that you've brought your children up the 'right way'? :rolleyes: You're surprised that your son has no criminal record?!

When you've fostered a very challenging boy for over 10 years, a placement that ended only when the level of violence put our lives at risk, then maybe you'll have earned the right to say this. If I'd meant my son I'd have said so! And yes, we were sometimes told by so called professionals that WE should be the ones to change; it's about the most unhelpful thing you can be told in this situation.

jay11_2

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

When you've fostered a very challenging boy for over 10 years, a placement that ended only when the level of violence put our lives at risk, then maybe you'll have earned the right to say this. If I'd meant my son I'd have said so! And yes, we were sometimes told by so called professionals that WE should be the ones to change; it's about the most unhelpful thing you can be told in this situation.

That's a bit harsh, people are only trying to help, and everyone has said at some point that OP is doing well. People are just saying look at the girls point of view also, not exclusively, as teens need help to change. Also, this is their child, not one who can be moved on if they clash. (Not ideal, and not saying you've done it, but kids do get moved on for this reason, sadly.) She also doesn't seem to be violent, which is a whole different kettle of fish.

I'm sorry you had such a tough time with SS, sadly does happen, but doesn't make it OK, but most social workers (in my experience) are hard-working, committed professionals. Not what OP is dealing with here though.

lisaf

Jay,
i have to say that in my own experience of most social workers, although maybe hard working and committed, they do not for the most part live in the real world.
I have seen at very close quarters, kids being given back to their Mums
when it is blatantly obvious that the abuse they were taken away for in the
first place is going to continue when they are returned as the 'Mum' (if i can stretch to that word in this case) has manipulated their social worker that they are in fact
very capable etc and if the social services would only move them to a bigger
house/nicer area with all new appliances etc all will be ok.
Believe me i have seen this happen on too many occasions to remember.
Unfortunately, they have no idea of what life is like on these 'sink' estates
and never will do.
Lisa

jay11_2

lisaf,
that's a fair point, though I'd change 'most' to 'many'. The training /legislation certainly has a lot to answer for, a combination of not enough variety of professional placements, or something else lacking and the 'keep children at home at all costs' policy, which effectively ties the hands of good social workers. (Whose decision to remove a child can be overruled by a manager anyway--go figure?)

Whatever, something's missing, maybe it'll improve as more trained to degree level enter the field (the longer training time will hopefully improve quality of training, and weed out the weak ones). We can only hope...

I guess I'm trying to say that they can only hope to be as good as their training, and what we as a society demand of them, such as demonstrating 'continuing professional development', which many other professionals have to do to stay qualified. If society accepts less...then the lazy/badly trained ones will live down to that.

Oldernotwiser

jay11 wrote: »

That's a bit harsh,

Harsh? Perhaps you didn't read the post that RoxieW directed at me?

As one of the people who has been in a similar position to the OP (neither child is ours by birth) I feel that my opinion is legitimate. Many people posting on her seem to be talking about normal, "difficult" teenagers; there are other kids that can appear to be from a different planet. You can have no idea unless you've been there and all the sanctimonious waffle about "unconditional love" and "praising the positive" comes over as so much theoretical piffle. The OP has come on here for help and support and has ended up being criticised because she points out that some of the suggestions she's already tried and they haven't worked.

jay11_2

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Harsh? Perhaps you didn't read the post that RoxieW directed at me?

As one of the people who has been in a similar position to the OP (neither child is ours by birth) I feel that my opinion is legitimate. Many people posting on her seem to be talking about normal, "difficult" teenagers; there are other kids that can appear to be from a different planet. You can have no idea unless you've been there and all the sanctimonious waffle about "unconditional love" and "praising the positive" comes over as so much theoretical piffle. The OP has come on here for help and support and has ended up being criticised because she points out that some of the suggestions she's already tried and they haven't worked.

I've been there thanks. Different planet? Nope, just either fundamentally, psychologically disturbed, or victims of our society.

Praising the positive does work, and unconditional love exists. You may not agree, that's your loss--the OP hasn't said anything against them. How does talking about 'worse' kids help the OP?

You're entitled to your point of view, I'm sorry you don't feel I'm entitled to mine. But go ahead, RosieW was sharp with you, why not return the favour--that's your choice.

The criiticisms were related to the OP not really getting what people were saying, crossed wires, understandable given the stress she's under