bit of advice about teenager who's lying and stealing

jay11_2

unixgirluk wrote: »

I'll try this again, I usually do this when I'm out with her (this is usually to get stuff for her and I try and make it fun). Although her answer to that one is that I'm ignoring her (even though its the little bad things and praising the good things) so she goes off and grabs perfume etc off shelf and breaks package open and sprays it. She's done that twice now. I was so embarrassed! and left with the bill for the perfume!

I'd stick to 'normal' times at home, just don't take her into situations where you will potentially be embarassed by her behaviour or have to manage the fallout. Why put yourself through it. Just, whenever possible, grab the moment if she asks to talk, or drifts over and starts interracting with you. Maybe she feels that you only want to be with her when you make an effort.

What kids really need to feel secure is to be loved, valued, and accepted in normal, everyday activities, just the everyday, mundane foundations of life. Teenagers, in many ways, need us much more than little children, because we have to be there when they're ready to do, to talk, just to be with us. They can be ruled by their emotions and can only talk/interract, etc, when they're in the right place emotionally. They need to feel we love them all the time, even when we're busy.

It's soo hard, but it does work, and once you get past the first bit and she knows you love her every day, all day, always unconditionally, (we all need that!) her 'needs' should ease off. It really sounds as if she feels unwanted, disliked, and like a pest and inconvenience to everyone in her life, imagine how painful that must be. Her dad needs to start reassuring her too. It's pretty obvious (from her behaviour) that she can't change right now, so the adults need to, before you lose her.

Uniscots97

Thanks Jay, I do try and reassure her. When she asked for help with her computing class of course I helped her. I try and involve her in things in the house too. I taught her to make her 2 favourite dishes and have taught her how to bake. She loves baking and sudoku (I taught her) but I can't do those things with her all the time.
I realise it must be hard for her that people turn away from her, but then again I can't blame some of them because of the way she's treated them. She doesn't like saying sorry. I think she was surprised my godson didn't turn his back on her, I only hope she doesn't inadvertently turn it into a contest to see if she can push him away (seen a few adults do this).

culpepper

Do try the child psychologist route if you havent already(sorry only read first 2 pages of this thread).
I had teen problems myself and would have hated a school 'mentor' but I saw a child psychologist for about 18 months and it was such a relief to have someone to talk to who was not judgemental and just happy to listen to me.
I noticed the nutella incident on page one and that you say she is the only one who eats it. To me that is strange because surely you are just buying it for her ,if only she ,eats it and why care if its gone quickly? Just dont buy anymore until you are ready to and she will soon work out ekeing it out for longer.

Lunar_Eclipse

unixgirluk wrote: »

I take my hat off to my godson for not turning his back on her even when she told him she ate his cake and thought it was funny.

Why? You can't have behaviour expectations both ways! If you believe she was in the wrong, he is simply acting how you would expect, surely? (Otherwise you clearly do not treat her equally.) Thus if you believe her actions were unacceptable and selfish in eating his cake, then you must surely expect his gracious positive behaviour in forgiving and forgetting? Or do you expect him to be petty and hold a grudge - thus reinforcing that your 'step daughter' is a 'bad' person.

And of course she can ask to meet people and then change her mind. She's probably feeling so low about herself that she's lost confidence, but will come round. She needs to call some of shots - clearly! Your Godson is not going way beyond the call of duty in taking her out once or twice. It is a nice thing to do admittedly, but not miraculous behaviour.

I am beginning to think that your expectations of her are FAR too high and she is right in feeling that she will never rise to them. It also sounds like your Godson is held on some sort of pedestal (comparatively) tbh.

How hard did your try to get her to watch the DVD with you? Of course she really wanted to. She just suspected that the rest of the family didn't really care whether she did or not. Asking once would support this view IMO.

It's all just a test. And a battle of wills. And I'm really not reading that she is getting what she needs right now.

Uniscots97

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Why? You can't have behaviour expectations both ways! If you believe she was in the wrong, he is simply acting how you would expect, surely? (Otherwise you clearly do not treat her equally.) Thus if you believe her actions were unacceptable and selfish in eating his cake, then you must surely expect his gracious positive behaviour in forgiving and forgetting? Or do you expect him to be petty and hold a grudge - thus reinforcing that your 'step daughter' is a 'bad' person.

And of course she can ask to meet people and then change her mind. She's probably feeling so low about herself that she's lost confidence, but will come round. She needs to call some of shots - clearly! Your Godson is not going way beyond the call of duty in taking her out once or twice. It is a nice thing to do admittedly, but not miraculous behaviour.

I am beginning to think that your expectations of her are FAR too high and she is right in feeling that she will never rise to them. It also sounds like your Godson is held on some sort of pedestal (comparatively) tbh.

How hard did your try to get her to watch the DVD with you? Of course she really wanted to. She just suspected that the rest of the family didn't really care whether she did or not. Asking once would support this view IMO.

It's all just a test. And a battle of wills. And I'm really not reading that she is getting what she needs right now.

She was asked three times, including both her Dad and I talking to her calmly and asking her if she'd like to come through and watch the film (she was told what the film was).
As for my godson he's put up with a lot from the youngest (told to us by her brother and he wouldn't make up stories), things that had I been put through at his age I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with the person doing them. Its not that he's soft, I think he genuinely wants her to fit in as he's sees behind the facade of bad behaviour.

RoxieW

Agree with lunar - but I've given up now!

tamarto

RoxieW wrote: »

Agree with lunar - but I've given up now!

I could see it was a loosing battle yesterday I hope they all work it out i really do, but unless the adults take some sort of responsibility i can't see it.

My best wishes to the OP and family :beer:

Lunar_Eclipse

unixgirluk wrote: »

I like this idea and think I might mention it to my partner. Thank you

Nooooo! It's a great idea, but in this instance I think it may just be the camel that breaks the straw's back.

I have just read all the things that are owing on her pocket money. Do you believe hand on heart that she can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel? I hope so and obviously don't know the details about paying back this money so hope that my impression of her being in way too deep and everyone being fine with leaving her to tread water, is wrong.:D

Can you really not see things from her perspective? Admittedly it's hard for anyone to begin to imagine who hasn't been abandoned by their mother and written off by everyone else as a bad person.

I'm signing off from this thread now. I have been thinking about you all a lot, but am too upset that things aren't going to change. I now believe that when you came here asking for advice, you actually wanted reinforcement that everything you are already doing is right. Punitive, controlling and very conditional. I haven't seen much evidence of support and encouragement and most importantly that you all know what a fabulous good person she is and how much you genuinely enjoy her company and having her sharing your life. It sounds like she is a major inconvenience tbh. I know you have said you love her.

So before I go, the following two sayings sum it all up for me at this moment in time:
'Actions speak louder than words' and
'If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got'.

Good luck.

Lunar_Eclipse

unixgirluk wrote: »

he's sees behind the facade of bad behaviour.

Sounds like he might be the only one.;)

Sorry.

Uniscots97

culpepper wrote: »

Do try the child psychologist route if you havent already(sorry only read first 2 pages of this thread).
I had teen problems myself and would have hated a school 'mentor' but I saw a child psychologist for about 18 months and it was such a relief to have someone to talk to who was not judgemental and just happy to listen to me.
I noticed the nutella incident on page one and that you say she is the only one who eats it. To me that is strange because surely you are just buying it for her ,if only she ,eats it and why care if its gone quickly? Just dont buy anymore until you are ready to and she will soon work out ekeing it out for longer.

The nutella thing was more about her claiming it wasn't her that left the empty jar at the back of the cupboard (I'd calmly said to her if she finishes something tell me so I can put it on the shopping list), then came out with it couldn't have been her that finished her it must have been someone else. Who finished it hadn't been mentioned, we were annoyed that she made things up when she wasn't getting into trouble for anything. Its the sneaking about too (the cake incident included), where she'll have lunch or dinner and be offered a pudding or a biscuit. Sometimes she'll take it sometimes she won't then when our backs are turned she'll eat in secret (the record has been 4 packets of crisps and a packet of chocolate biscuits). Now before anyone suggests we are not feeding her enough she gets a bigger portion than I eat. I had worried she may be getting comments from her pals about her size (she's an 8), and I have talked her to her about this. She also opened up to me about one of her classmates who was eating tissues and knew it was wrong but wanted to know why and what it could do (I had a word with that girl's mother and thankfully that girl is getting treatment for her diagnosed anorexia). I told her I was proud of her for telling me and talking to me about it but I still don't understand sneaking about and the amounts of food. I'm well versed in bulimia and I know she isn't throwing up so its not that. She's knows if she wants a snack all she has to do is say and the answer's yes. so why the sneaking and the amounts?