bit of advice about teenager who's lying and stealing

Uniscots97

I know this is a difficult situation and not easy to solve as every child is different. We asked her if she wanted to watch a DVD we'd got (one both her and her brother wanted to see) and we got a flat no. So we left it at that. we did offer. There's been more texts on her phone this time from one of the so-called friends and lets just say it wasn't pleasant. I know we're in a catch 22 situation with this one but had she had the phone she would have seen the text anyway so we decided to let her see the message. I suppose I was hoping she might see that these people just are using her for their amusement and think its funny that she gets into trouble. Her reaction however was that it couldn't have been her 'pal' that sent it in other words total denial. I did wonder whether she just said this to cover how she's really feeling and I reminded her about my godson's offer for her to go along to the cinema with him and his friends (male and female, so she can meet them. He offered this without prompting even after the cake incident) and told her everything would be ok. I think she knows herself that her so-called friends are setting her up for a fall every single time. But I don't think she'll admit that to us at the moment, maybe after she moves schools and settles in which she says she is really looking forward to.

bikerqueen

Must be really hard, and my only experience with teenagers is I was one once!

The only thing that springs to mind are the number of "white lies" that come from the adults, promising not to tell you she'd started smoking, you keeping the burnt duvet from her dad, you wanting to lie about what happened to the cake - even with the best intentions you've got to admit it's confusing, "lying is wrong! Except when i do it"

Also, I would have hated having friends foisted on me, whether they are related (your godson's friends) or people you work with's kids, and it would have pushed me further towards the deadzone people.

splishsplash

unixgirluk wrote: »

I know this is a difficult situation and not easy to solve as every child is different. We asked her if she wanted to watch a DVD we'd got (one both her and her brother wanted to see) and we got a flat no. So we left it at that. we did offer. There's been more texts on her phone this time from one of the so-called friends and lets just say it wasn't pleasant. I know we're in a catch 22 situation with this one but had she had the phone she would have seen the text anyway so we decided to let her see the message. I suppose I was hoping she might see that these people just are using her for their amusement and think its funny that she gets into trouble. Her reaction however was that it couldn't have been her 'pal' that sent it in other words total denial. I did wonder whether she just said this to cover how she's really feeling and I reminded her about my godson's offer for her to go along to the cinema with him and his friends (male and female, so she can meet them. He offered this without prompting even after the cake incident) and told her everything would be ok. I think she knows herself that her so-called friends are setting her up for a fall every single time. But I don't think she'll admit that to us at the moment, maybe after she moves schools and settles in which she says she is really looking forward to.

At the moment, these 'friends' represent the only group of people where she feels she's accepted on any level - and that's really shouting loudly at you about where her head is.
She needs the cushion of constant offers to join the family, given openly, with no conditions... again and again and again and again...
as Jaye says in that excellent post - create positive times, and build on them.
If you're successful at making her see how damaging those 'friends' are, she will need something to replace them... so again, try to keep the lines of communication open as best you can, even when you feel like you're being slapped in the face for your efforts.
Best of luck... I'm thinking about this thread a lot too...

Uniscots97

bikerqueen wrote: »

Must be really hard, and my only experience with teenagers is I was one once!

The only thing that springs to mind are the number of "white lies" that come from the adults, promising not to tell you she'd started smoking, you keeping the burnt duvet from her dad, you wanting to lie about what happened to the cake - even with the best intentions you've got to admit it's confusing, "lying is wrong! Except when i do it"

Also, I would have hated having friends foisted on me, whether they are related (your godson's friends) or people you work with's kids, and it would have pushed me further towards the deadzone people.

Its a catch 22 situation with that too. She says she doesn't want people judging her on past behaviour (fair enough). I've told her I don't like lying and yes I told her it was probably wrong for me to tell my godson a fib about the cake but I told her I was trying to protect her. There have been so many people (roughly her age) have turned their back on her because of her antics I suppose I was trying to give her a second chance. She asked me if my godson would introduce her to people so she would get to meet people in the area where I live then when I set it up she said she couldn't be bothered and moaned she was bored yet quite happily met up with my colleagues daughter I mentioned earlier in the thread. We've told her she can't have it all ways, she can't ask to meet people then refuse then complain she's bored.

Uniscots97

splishsplash wrote: »

At the moment, these 'friends' represent the only group of people where she feels she's accepted on any level - and that's really shouting loudly at you about where her head is.
She needs the cushion of constant offers to join the family, given openly, with no conditions... again and again and again and again...
as Jaye says in that excellent post - create positive times, and build on them.
If you're successful at making her see how damaging those 'friends' are, she will need something to replace them... so again, try to keep the lines of communication open as best you can, even when you feel like you're being slapped in the face for your efforts.
Best of luck... I'm thinking about this thread a lot too...

we keep trying. I take my hat off to my godson for not turning his back on her even when she told him she ate his cake and thought it was funny. She was friendly with one of my neighbours daughters (year below at school), then one day at the paper shop we saw this girl and she said "hello" and the youngest just shoved past her saying nothing. I apologised to the girl and asked youngest what was wrong, had they argued. The answer was no, she didn't want to hang about with a baby. . They got on great before, ok the girl is year below but so what. They like the same music, same clothes shop and make up. Who knows with that one.

I know if we push her about her so-called mates at her current school she won't believe us. !!!!!! she's been beaten up so many times and one of the so-called mates is dating the guy that assaulted her with a piece of metal (we did try saying to her that no real friend would go out with someone that had done that to one of her friends).

Uniscots97

jay11 wrote: »

Poor girl, what an awful cycle she's caught up in, and being rejected by her mum in such an obvious way can't have helped.

Poor you too unixgirl, I too think you're doing a great job, and my heart goes out to you all.

There's lots of great advice above, I'd only add trying to inject some positive times, where you consciously 9don't tell her) decide not to say anything negative/critical for a bit, be it 10 mins or an hour. Ignore negative behaviour for that time, unless it's something REALLY big, and find something positive to say, however small. Over time the time spans can be increased, so building up positive experiences.

Don't choose 'special' times, like trips out, as she probably feels a lot of pressure, almost like the suspense/anxiety of waiting for something to go wrong is so strong, that in the end she makes it, to escape the suspense/tension. Kicking her dad is a prime example--she doesn't want to spoil the the day--she loves you all--but believes it's inevietable, so makes it happen. Managing to behave in everyday activities is probably hard enough for now.

The key is to break the cycle and small windows of feeling good / things going well, will be a start, and can be built upon.

I'll try this again, I usually do this when I'm out with her (this is usually to get stuff for her and I try and make it fun). Although her answer to that one is that I'm ignoring her (even though its the little bad things and praising the good things) so she goes off and grabs perfume etc off shelf and breaks package open and sprays it. She's done that twice now. I was so embarrassed! and left with the bill for the perfume!

Oldernotwiser

unixgirluk wrote: »

I was so embarrassed! and left with the bill for the perfume!

But did you make her pay for it? You can talk to a young person about cause and effect but there's nothing like real experience to get it through to them.

Uniscots97

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

But did you make her pay for it? You can talk to a young person about cause and effect but there's nothing like real experience to get it through to them.

She doesn't earn any money as she's too young for a part time job so its being taken out of her pocket money (as is the phone bill, repaying the teacher, replacing teachers driver's license etc). I think sometimes she's see the effect and others she doesn't i.e. when she nicks money from her brothers room.

Oldernotwiser

As far as stealing goes, have you thought of taking her down to the police station? When our lad stole from our electrician we did this and he was given a VERY stern talking to - quite chilling actually. I don't think he totally stopped but he's now 23 with no criminal record which seems a wonder to me.

Uniscots97

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

As far as stealing goes, have you thought of taking her down to the police station? When our lad stole from our electrician we did this and he was given a VERY stern talking to - quite chilling actually. I don't think he totally stopped but he's now 23 with no criminal record which seems a wonder to me.

I like this idea and think I might mention it to my partner. Thank you