bit of advice about teenager who's lying and stealing

ANDY597

RoxieW wrote: »

unless i'm missing something here this all sounds like pretty typical teenage stuff. And a lot of your points seem pretty petty - I mean, so what really if she eats the nutella or uses your clarins stuff or 'steals' a chocolate biscuit.
!

I gotta agree here a 100% it just all seems like normal teenage stuff to me.

How about just lightening up a bit ' and giving the kid a break. It could be an awfull lots worse, she could be on the street stealing cars and drinking, smoking, taking drugs and having underage sex.

So im thinking a mobile phone, some make up and a chocolate biscuit is not that bad.

Uniscots97

RoxieW wrote: »

unless i'm missing something here this all sounds like pretty typical teenage stuff. And a lot of your points seem pretty petty - I mean, so what really if she eats the nutella or uses your clarins stuff or 'steals' a chocolate biscuit.

to me she sounds like a lonely kid who cant catch a break.

sneaking out, of course, is wrong and dangerous but really if I were you I'd thank my lucky stars that she wasn't doing drugs/sex/meeting up with men met on the internet.

being honest here - when I was 14 I was having sex, dabbling in drugs, drinking and shoplifting. As were my peers. I did go to a rough school in a rough area and was dragged up on a council estate - obv not an upbringing I want for my own kids! I'm not proud of it but I was young and getting to grips with the world. I also went on to get 13 gcse's A and B grades (the best my school had ever seen), go to college whilst supporting myself through working, go to Uni, have a successful career, a beautiful home, a husband and 2 gorgeous kids.

I'm not having a go at you - just trying to give you a bit of perspective. It sounds to me like you are very annoyed with this girl and I'm sure she is picking up on this. Combine it with a supposed boyfriend who hates her, supposed friends who bully her and family members who berate her I'd imagine she's feeling very lonely, down and if i was a parent i'd be worried about her state of mind.

Can you try to reconnect with her? Take her out for the day, just the two of you - spend some time with her. Try to talk to her as an adult about her life. just steer clear of accusations about nutella!

There's nothing petty about this. How would like to have been the teacher she stole the purse from and cut up her drivers license (we were made to pay for that!)? or her brother who's stuff was defaced? The shampoo etc is the minor stuff, I'm trying to show that even with that when she's asked not to use something or to ask (she helped herself to a chocolate cake she was asked not to touch as it was for my godson's birthday) she still does as she likes no matter how she's punished. Even with the big stuff, she was grounded we still don't know where she got the new SIM card. Anything could have happened to her. She's had a kicking on at least 4 occassions from friends of her so called friends when she's been somewhere she shouldn't have been and still she hangs about with these losers. One of them sleeps around and thinks its funny that she now has chlamydia, I mean how can anyone find that funny? We're trying to be responsible here and not let her fall into the trap of drugs, under age sex etc. She's already seen one former schoolmate die the first time they took glue. Is it any wonder we want to protect her from that? But what it comes down to is I'm asking how we get through to her? If she's lying about the little stuff, what else isn't she telling us? Yes, I got upto stuff as a teenager as have all y friends I've asked about this but we learned our lesson when we were caught and punished!

misty

To be honest - reading your post - I think you are being very hard on her - albeit for the best of reasons.

The stealing - you say the brother is pretty sure - that's not the same as definately sure.

The biscuits etc - I guess because she has no money of her own to buy them as it has been taken away??? Eating all the nutella - come on ? it's hardly the cime of the cenbtury is it? Maybe she lies to avoid another telling off.

The mobile phone - how did we manage as kids without them - but to for todays kids it is a bit part of their identity - I understand why you took it away but that is a long time ago now. Could you not have given her a pay as you go sim and then deducted the mobile bill from her pocket money over time. She is still paying it back.

It does sound like she is in with a wrong crowd and that is something she is going to have to work out - maybe when she moves school this may happen - but it sounds like she is desperate for some kind of attention.

You repeat a few times - when is she going to learn - with age? as we all do - she is only 14.

I think you need to seperate the really important big stuff from the nutella type things.

My suggestion would be to say - let's forget everything that has gone before today and let's have a fresh start with little mention of her previous problems.

Give her a pay as you go sim - let her top it up with her own money.

Let her go out but with clear curfews and sanctions (reasonble ones)

Get her a diary where she confide her feelings and let some of what she's feeling out (and don't read it)

It's not good that she has lied but you need to think why she lied and your response to actions before and after.

I do think perhaps as it happening to you that you have maybe lost a bit of perspective and because you don't want things to develop into a worst situation you are over reacting and run the risk of pushing her into more stuff.

Uniscots97

As I said before I'm the calm one and I have spoken with her. Her answer is she wants to do what her friends are doing, under-age unprotected sex, drugs, alcohol, stealing, vandalising other people's property etc. She didn't word it like this but this is what her so-called friends have been caught doing (and her some of it). She calmed down for a bit after the last time I spoke to her, and even though she was grounded I managed to persuade her Dad to let her go on a school trip. I did explain to her that as she's asking to be trusted she needs to show us she can be trusted by hiding nothing from us and being open with us. She said she understood. I realise some of this will be down to the friends whispering in her ear and she goes along with it to keep fitting in but even when her new friend (who now wants nothing to do with her) says to her look why not obey the rules believe me you'll get to do more, why won't she listen?

Uniscots97

misty wrote: »

To be honest - reading your post - I think you are being very hard on her - albeit for the best of reasons.

The stealing - you say the brother is pretty sure - that's not the same as definately sure.

The biscuits etc - I guess because she has no money of her own to buy them as it has been taken away??? Eating all the nutella - come on ? it's hardly the cime of the cenbtury is it? Maybe she lies to avoid another telling off.

The mobile phone - how did we manage as kids without them - but to for todays kids it is a bit part of their identity - I understand why you took it away but that is a long time ago now. Could you not have given her a pay as you go sim and then deducted the mobile bill from her pocket money over time. She is still paying it back.

It does sound like she is in with a wrong crowd and that is something she is going to have to work out - maybe when she moves school this may happen - but it sounds like she is desperate for some kind of attention.

You repeat a few times - when is she going to learn - with age? as we all do - she is only 14.

I think you need to seperate the really important big stuff from the nutella type things.

My suggestion would be to say - let's forget everything that has gone before today and let's have a fresh start with little mention of her previous problems.

Give her a pay as you go sim - let her top it up with her own money.

Let her go out but with clear curfews and sanctions (reasonble ones)

Get her a diary where she confide her feelings and let some of what she's feeling out (and don't read it)

It's not good that she has lied but you need to think why she lied and your response to actions before and after.

I do think perhaps as it happening to you that you have maybe lost a bit of perspective and because you don't want things to develop into a worst situation you are over reacting and run the risk of pushing her into more stuff.

Her brother is now saying he's pretty sure to us. He's sick of the arguements. Their auntie overheard them talking and the eldest basically saying to his sister, I know you took my money and I won't grass you up this time but do it again and i'm telling Dad cause I'm sick of your behaviour and ashamed to say you're my sister. The eldest doesn't want to pursure it so we're left it.

The biscuits etc, she's been told own up and she won't be in trouble. We know its her. My godson's cake was a different matter, yet she still denied it was her even though she had been the only one in the house before my godson arrived for his barbecue party (we were out back setting up).

As for the pay as you go SIM, she had this before and stole money to top it up. She gets no pocket money as she's paying back the money its cost us to replace/repair items she's stolen/defaced (teacher's money and defaced driver's license,snapped her cousin's hair straighteners) or the other bills she's run up (the phone bill etc) so she's been told no phone till she proves she can be trusted. Even if that time comes soon (which hopefully it will) I have said to her she can earn extra money to go towards a top up I'll buy her by doing chores as she won't have any pocket money. This hasn't even spurred her on!!!

The last time we tried the curfew she disappeared and we were out of our minds with worry. She was found by Police drunk! We tried this again to give her another chance (with the daughter of my colleague) and still she pushed the boundaries and tried to get this other girl into trouble by suggesting they stay out later than agreed. It was only when the other girl said "fine, do what you want i'm going home" our youngest gave in as she wasn't familiar with where this girl stays.

I tried the diary thing that worked for all of about 2 weeks, before I found it in the bin along with a set of my false nails (which were kept at the back of one of my drawers in my room) which had been covered in pen. Her answer to this one was she was bored. This was even though my godson and his friends (male and female and about her age) had asked earlier if she wanted to go to the cinema with them and she said no even though we said she could go.

Oldernotwiser

When she says she wants to be trusted, what she means is she wants to do what she likes.

The fact that people here agree with what this girl says that "this is what teenagers do" shows how adults have given up on their responsibilities of guiding and disciplining the young people they're responsible for. When both adults and teenagers agree that there's nothing wrong with this behaviour then no extra explanation is needed for the behaviour we see in our streets all the time. The OP is trying to do the right thing but is being undermined by other adults who can't be bothered!

RoxieW

unixgirluk wrote: »

There's nothing petty about this. How would like to have been the teacher she stole the purse from and cut up her drivers license (we were made to pay for that!)? or her brother who's stuff was defaced? The shampoo etc is the minor stuff, I'm trying to show that even with that when she's asked not to use something or to ask (she helped herself to a chocolate cake she was asked not to touch as it was for my godson's birthday) she still does as she likes no matter how she's punished. Even with the big stuff, she was grounded we still don't know where she got the new SIM card. Anything could have happened to her. She's had a kicking on at least 4 occassions from friends of her so called friends when she's been somewhere she shouldn't have been and still she hangs about with these losers. One of them sleeps around and thinks its funny that she now has chlamydia, I mean how can anyone find that funny? We're trying to be responsible here and not let her fall into the trap of drugs, under age sex etc. She's already seen one former schoolmate die the first time they took glue. Is it any wonder we want to protect her from that? But what it comes down to is I'm asking how we get through to her? If she's lying about the little stuff, what else isn't she telling us? Yes, I got upto stuff as a teenager as have all y friends I've asked about this but we learned our lesson when we were caught and punished!

did i miss the bit about the teacher? sorry, it was quite a long post. obv this is wrong and she needed to be punished for but to lump this in with things that ARE very petty - I mean, she eats the nutella? She eats a biscuit? She uses your face wash or whatever - come on! Then you say its dying from glue sniffing that you want to protect her from? Well, sorry but it came across in your first post that you were annoyed at her for a list of inconveniences.

You have no evidence that she is sleeping around or doing drugs - and with the best will in the owrld, if she choses to do these things there isn't much, bar locking her in a room, you can do to stop her.

I gave you advice on how to get through to her. Its the same with drugs/sex etc. The best thing you can do is build a good relationship with her and keep the lines of communication open. Talk to her about the dangers of sex and drugs - it sounds like you have some good examples to use.

But parading her misdemeanors around other family members is just pushing her further away. You're basically saying that noone likes the poor girl - her brother, the neighbour? I hope this isn't coming across to her as it is to me. And as for the comments coming from her dad :mad: She's set up to !!!! everyone off before she's even done anything at the new school.

There is no easy answer - you can't make her listen to you or change her behaviour. If I were you I'd make her a priority for abit - as i've said, take her out, pour some love into her. Let her realise that she can talk to you about any worries/problems. If you build a good relationship she wont want to let you down.

It's only my opinion but she seems abit outcast from the family to me - an inconvenience and I'm sure she feels it. For example - she tells you that she's ill and you leave her with a distant family member while you go on a day out and night out?

RoxieW

By the way - I was never caught or punished for my teenage misdemeanors - I just grew up in my own time.

Uniscots97

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

When she says she wants to be trusted, what she means is she wants to do what she likes.

The fact that people here agree with what this girl says that "this is what teenagers do" shows how adults have given up on their responsibilities of guiding and disciplining the young people they're responsible for. When both adults and teenagers agree that there's nothing wrong with this behaviour then no extra explanation is needed for the behaviour we see in our streets all the time. The OP is trying to do the right thing but is being undermined by other adults who can't be bothered!

Thank you. I do agree with you that when she says she wants to be trusted she wants to do as she likes. Its a bad crowd she's fallen in with and just because their parents let them do as they like resulting in: expulsion, drunkeness, police record, chlamydia etc doesn't mean to say we should. I'm not saying she thinks this is normal but she sees this as being more "fun" than obeying the rules and telling us where she's going and bringing her friends round. I do feel sorry for her with the boyfriend thing. I spoke to him, but there's no way she'd believe me if I told her. We know she has to realise a lot of this for herself but we don't want her to be a statistic of teenage pregnancy, STD's (even spoke to her about HIV), drugs and drug death. we're trying to protect her.

Uniscots97

RoxieW wrote: »

did i miss the bit about the teacher? sorry, it was quite a long post. obv this is wrong and she needed to be punished for but to lump this in with things that ARE very petty - I mean, she eats the nutella? She eats a biscuit? She uses your face wash or whatever - come on! Then you say its dying from glue sniffing that you want to protect her from? Well, sorry but it came across in your first post that you were annoyed at her for a list of inconveniences.

You have no evidence that she is sleeping around or doing drugs - and with the best will in the owrld, if she choses to do these things there isn't much, bar locking her in a room, you can do to stop her.

I gave you advice on how to get through to her. Its the same with drugs/sex etc. The best thing you can do is build a good relationship with her and keep the lines of communication open. Talk to her about the dangers of sex and drugs - it sounds like you have some good examples to use.

But parading her misdemeanors around other family members is just pushing her further away. You're basically saying that noone likes the poor girl - her brother, the neighbour? I hope this isn't coming across to her as it is to me. And as for the comments coming from her dad :mad: She's set up to !!!! everyone off before she's even done anything at the new school.

There is no easy answer - you can't make her listen to you or change her behaviour. If I were you I'd make her a priority for abit - as i've said, take her out, pour some love into her. Let her realise that she can talk to you about any worries/problems. If you build a good relationship she wont want to let you down.

It's only my opinion but she seems abit outcast from the family to me - an inconvenience and I'm sure she feels it. For example - she tells you that she's ill and you leave her with a distant family member while you go on a day out and night out?

She's had the days out with me and her Dad (separately and together). She's had shopping trips, days at theme parks, cinema you name it. I even took her bra shopping a few months ago for the first time. She tells me more than she does her Dad. Her behaviour clears up for a bit then it starts yet again. I can't help her behaviour being paraded through the family she's in the same year as one of her cousins. The night out was to include her and she knew this and told us she was looking forward to it, it had been planned for a long time (tickets etc). we gave her the benefit of the doubt thinking she genuinely was ill. We asked her did she want us to cancel and she said no, so her other Auntie came to watch her. we now realise of course she wasn't ill and had planned this. Devious isn't in it.

Going back to the biscuits/razor etc as I said before if she lies about little things then what else isn't she telling us? BTW, she goes mental if anyone uses her stuff so why should it be any different the other way around? Rules are rules and its not as though she doesn't get bought her own stuff.