boyfriend says he can't upset wife!!!!

miserly_mum

I am the ex wife of a man who wanted to have his cake and eat it too

About 18 months after we split up (i'd finally had enough of being cheated on and his unreasonable behaviour) he met a lovely girl much younger than him.

Everything was great until she got pregnant and guess what.....he wanted to come back.

After I politely refused I decided it was time to get a divorce and guess what..he refused, but was telling her it was me who wouldn't divorce him.

She believed every word and I was the big villan as she really wanted to get married and saw me as the jealous ex wife.who was refusing to "free" her man. He has admitted to our oldest son that he thought that while we were still legally married I would eventually take him back if things didn't work out with his GF

I had to wait 5 years for my divorce and even then he wouldn't sign the papers to make it go through quicker. That was almost a year ago and she knew nothing about the divorce until my daughter told her recently.

The long winded point i'm trying to make is, just because he tells you things are a certain way doesn't mean they are.Don't let your love for him over ride your common sense.

I don't know why your BF and his wife split but i'm wondering why (if the marriage is really over) he worries about her feelings so much and she's acting all angry and jealous when she found out about you?

glossgal

OP, I don't envy you one bit it's a no-win situation really isnt it? I understand you can't pretend he isn't married but it's early days for them-18 months apart is not a particularly long time in the scheme of things. If I'm being brutally honest then I suppose you could look at it objectively and say if he wanted to do it then he would. Please don't take offence at his because I don't want to sound rude but is this a 'rebound' relationship? If so then you may never win because this man will be stuck between his past and his future. From what you've said he sounds like a decent enough guy but if he's confused you can't demand the same level of commitment off him because he won't be in the frame of mind to give it (but won't admit it because he doesn't want to lose you). He should be honest about this though which is probably where your frustration is coming from. Trouble is, if he's feeling pressure from you he'll just turn in on himself- he's a man, thats what they do

caroleann

Hi Miserly Mum,
That sounds like an horrendous situation you were in, i'm glad you got through it and came out the other end with your head held high.
Its hard to get to the bottom of things when I have no contact with anyone on 'his' side, to verify every thing he's told me is impossible, I have to sift through things and come to my own conclusions, I think the marriage wasn't properly over even though they were living apart, I know she visited him on at least two occasions at his new place and they ended up in bed!!!! he says it was just 'familiar, and a need they both had', in fact when we were just getting together and were on the phone one night at 11.pm she turned up at his door, I ran for the hills and took a lot of convincing to give him another chance and that there was nothing going on.
That is why she reacted so badly when she found out he had a girlfriend, she saw the previous one to me off by getting him back only for them to split a few weeks later when he realised she hadn't 'changed'.
I'm, kept well away from his kids, even though he's a big part of my kids' life, which hurts, I'm a decent person and not someone to be ashamed of.
I'm playing the waiting game now, will keep you posted as to the outcome.

miserly_mum

I was still legally married when I met my Partner. It didn't bother him because he knew the marriage was over and there was no chance we would get back together.

It never made him insecure although he prefers it now i'm not someone elses wife. To be honest the day my decree absolute came through wasn't really a biggy.

We feel no real need to get married and have been very happy together for 3 years and have a lovely son.

Are your worries over his divorce because you are hoping he will ask you to marry him?

caroleann

glossgal wrote: »

OP, I don't envy you one bit it's a no-win situation really isnt it? I understand you can't pretend he isn't married but it's early days for them-18 months apart is not a particularly long time in the scheme of things. If I'm being brutally honest then I suppose you could look at it objectively and say if he wanted to do it then he would. Please don't take offence at his because I don't want to sound rude but is this a 'rebound' relationship? If so then you may never win because this man will be stuck between his past and his future. From what you've said he sounds like a decent enough guy but if he's confused you can't demand the same level of commitment off him because he won't be in the frame of mind to give it (but won't admit it because he doesn't want to lose you). He should be honest about this though which is probably where your frustration is coming from. Trouble is, if he's feeling pressure from you he'll just turn in on himself- he's a man, thats what they do

You're so on the ball. Everything you've said I can relate to, he says he's committed and has moved on from wife, wants to be with me in the future, etc,etc. but yes I can see the reaction I'm getting, he's gone in his cave and wont come out till he's ready.Wants to keep everyone happy, said just yesterday when I told him how much it was hurting me, 'I don't want to hurt anybody', wife, kids, me? dont think you can make an ommlette without breaking eggs, can you?

caroleann

miserly_mum wrote: »

I was still legally married when I met my Partner. It didn't bother him because he knew the marriage was over and there was no chance we would get back together.

It never made him insecure although he prefers it now i'm not someone elses wife. To be honest the day my decree absolute came through wasn't really a biggy.

We feel no real need to get married and have been very happy together for 3 years and have a lovely son.

Are your worries over his divorce because you are hoping he will ask you to marry him?

I think its a bit like your partner felt, dont want him to be someone else's husband, I would'nt jump into a marriage but would love to live with him as a couple while we both decide what our future held, to be honest, yes a few years down the line would be proud to be his wife.

glossgal

caroleann wrote: »

You're so on the ball. Everything you've said I can relate to, he says he's committed and has moved on from wife, wants to be with me in the future, etc,etc. but yes I can see the reaction I'm getting, he's gone in his cave and wont come out till he's ready.Wants to keep everyone happy, said just yesterday when I told him how much it was hurting me, 'I don't want to hurt anybody', wife, kids, me? dont think you can make an ommlette without breaking eggs, can you?

Ah yes, the man cave -that place has a lot to answer for!

miserly_mum

I suppose it really all depends how much time and emotion you are prepared to (possiibly) waste on this relationship?

Your BF may well be worried about the money side of things. Or it might be he's just not finding it easy letting go of what was his life for 20 plus years.

Not so much his wife as the married/family life as a whole? Which if i'm honest I can understand. The divorce with seal the end of an era for him.

New relationships after long marriages can be scary stuff, (as i'm sure you know). Maybe he has a jaundiced view of marriage at the moment and uses being legally married as a way of not having to take your and his relationship that one step further. ie proposing

Steel_2

(((caroleann)))

Always judge a man by his actions, not his words. I was always taught to look out for warm words and cool actions, which mean nothing and are designed to keep a woman hooked.

If he was over his wife he'd want to get as far away from her as possible and start a new life. By not continuing with the divorce, by seeing her for coffee and sleeping with her when they are technically separated (and you really don't know how often this happened, only what he's told you), by treading on eggshells so as not to upset her he's the one continuing to keep her in his life.

He's allowing this to happen. He's keeping the links alive. His words say the opposite of his actions and betray how he really feels about her. He still cares for her.

"He's a lovely, gentle, kind man, with so many good points"

But standing up to his wife and putting you first is not one of them.
How long are you going to give him to start the divorce ball rolling again. A year of your life? Two years? What about five years? What if because of the pension he never does so he can claim his full entitlement? Where will you draw the line and say "enough".

Take very good care of yourself caroleann and draw the lines in the sand now. His indecision could drag this on for years and, if you allow it to, mess you up emotionally.

Melodyx

Ooh Steel, I soo agree with you speaking as someone who was brought up to believe in words rather than looking at 'deeds' and if the words matched the deeds. After my marriage ended I was very vulnerable looking back and got involved with an alcoholic and a con man before I worked out that I had to look at the actions rather than the words. This has stood me in very good stead for many years now. Of course I thought I was getting involved with the loveliest men on the planet as they could 'talk the talk' and they appeared a thousand times better than my ex-H, it took ages to see through the smoke screen on both occasions and work out what was really going on. i.e. to use a bit of a cliche they couldn't 'walk the walk'. I look back on it now and feel they were lost years and the only sense I can make of it is that I've learned some important lessons. i.e. ignore the words, just look at the actions...